He’s probably kissing her under the stars, and he’s surely not thinking of me. I do my best not to think about him.
Callum is talking about how he got into mountain biking. Icling to his words, trying to make them mean more than they do. We’ve basically had this conversation ten times by now. It’s the only thing we really have in common, so I keep hanging on. He says, “I was born on a bike.”
What he actually means is that his parents wanted him to be successful, and they had the money to support his passion. I always wonder how many phenomenal riders there would be if everyone was afforded the same gear and connections. Mountain sports are expensive and the barrier to entry is very real, even if rich kids pretend it’s not.
We find a boutique pop-up that serves gourmet grilled cheese. I’m skeptical, but Callum proves me wrong—it’s delicious.
“It’s pretty good, right?”
The cheese is half melting out the side of my mouth, and my subconscious immediately drifts back to the last grilled cheese I had and who I shared it with.
Under me, the leather bench squeaks as I shift closer to him. “Yeah, it’s good.”
We find our way to an old gondola cabin turned private seating area. It’s intimate, maybe a little too intimate. The conversation is flowing, but it doesn’t last long.
“I should have asked you out sooner.”
I put on my best flirty smile. “Well, why didn’t you?”
“Well…” He pauses for a long time, like the words he’s looking for might not exist. “I always thought you and Reid were a thing.”
I’m beet red, I can feel it. I do my best to appear nonchalant. “Oh, no. We’ve always just been friends.”
He looks skeptical, and I can’t blame him. “Oh. I always got the sense that he didn’t want other men to get near you. That seems to be the consensus among the guys.”
My eyes roll back involuntarily. “He thinks he has to ‘protect me’. He treats me like a little sister.”
The sound that Callum makes is embarrassing. It’s the kind of sound someone makes when it’s clear they don’t believe you, but they’re going to let it go. He can see straight through to the depths of my soul. My unrequited obsession for Reid is wide open in front of him to dissect. I’m so damn obvious, but he takes pity on me and lets it go.
We shift the conversation to tomorrow’s race, and that brings on a different sort of anxiety.
“Usually I’m terrified, but this time I just can’t wait to prove myself,” I tell Callum, and I’m surprised how truthful it feels.
“That’s awesome, Addie!” Callum sounds genuinely excited. “What changed?”
I can’t tell if he’s asking because he actually cares about my journey or because he’s looking for tips.
“I got a new therapist and started going twice a week.” I laugh like it’s a joke, but I’ve never been more honest. “Journaling has really helped too, giving myself a set time and space to express all of my fears so they don’t consume me when I’m on the trail.”
“What do you journal about?” He stutters. “Sorry if that’s intrusive.”
“No, it’s fine.” It is fine—really, it is. In a way, it’s relieving to actually talk about this with someone. “I kind of just dump out all of my worst thoughts and most irrational fears. It feels dumb at first, but I feel a little lighter after.”
He leans in like he wants me to keep going. I’m certain now that he’s asking for advice. It shocks me, since he’s always been a competent rider. Not a superstar, but skilled, and he’s never once come off as scared, even though he’s explicitly told me he is.
I lean in some too. “I still can’t believe you get scared. You always seem so sure of yourself.”
Callum laughs, like actually laughs. “Addie.”
He stares at me with wide eyes and I motion for him to go on. “Of course I get scared Addie. We all do.”
The shock is painted on my face. Sure, I know logically that other riders must get scared after an injury or a crash, but they never appear to be affected by it. Reid doesn’t, that’s for sure. I let that realization sink in a bit before replying, “None of you guys ever seem scared.”
“I think some people just process it differently. You never seem scared either, Addie.” He touches my arm lightly as he says my name, and I do my best to let it rest there and not draw myself back.
“You must not be watching. I freak out every time I ride.”
The night draws to a close, and he drives me back to my van. There’s still a light on in Reid’s van when Callum drops me off. For half a second, I consider inviting him in, but it’s not like I have anywhere for him to sit anyway, so I decide to do something out of character instead. Leaning over, my lips gently graze his before pulling away too fast.
