It almost feels like we’re flirting. If we were two different people maybe we would be. Maybe he’d throw me over his shoulder and we’d make out on a picnic blanket. Maybe we’d bake in the mountain sun until our clothes were dry and our bones were warm. Maybe then we’d run back to our vans, laughing and smiling the whole way down.
That’s not our reality though. The truth of it all depresses me a little. This feels like a backslide. I’ve been doing so well, focusing on what’s within my control and working for it, but one lingering glance from Reid and I’m tumbling down into desperation again. Pathetic.
Reid splashes behind me, but I ignore him and post myself on a rock to sunbathe. He ushers himself out of the lake and rips off his soaking wet shirt. He grunts as he does it, drawing my attention to him briefly before I realize that’s exactly what he wants, so I look away.
Light drops of water hit my leg as he shakes his hair out once more. This time it annoys me. He looks at me with that signature smirk. “Why’d you leave me all alone?”
He’s trying to hang onto the moment, but it’s gone. We should let it go with dignity.
Reid takes my shrug for what it is, a beacon of indifference. The wall is back up between us. I think I like it, it feels safe here. I’ll focus on keeping Reid out and learning to let Callum in.
19
The sunset came and went, and Reid and I are back to coexisting by the time the sky fades. I refuse to let it get in my head. Therapy went well, she reminded me of how far I’ve come and actually made me sit with the feeling of pride. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I felt like I had to pee the whole time, I couldn’t wait to expel that feeling from my body, even though it was a good feeling.
That fucked with me a little—it hit me how messed up I really am. When did I start to let fear of loss keep me from feeling anything at all? I’d like to say it started when Damien’s wife died, but I think it goes deeper if I’m being honest with myself. I’m scared to figure out when it all started.
Visualizations are working. I can see myself up at the trail head, confidently preparing to race, and more than that, I can feel it. I can feel the success of landing a jump in my body. I’m ready.
Part way through my visualizations, my phone starts vibrating—it’s Callum. We’ve only facetimed a few times, so I shake myself out of my head and try to brush my hair out a little with my fingers before answering.
“Hey, Beautiful.”
My cheeks flush every time he compliments me. I’m pretty sure that’s a good sign, but I can’t be sure—I’ve never done this before. I’ve had a few hookups over the years, but nothing has been serious.
At least I’m feeling something for someone who isn’t Reid. I focus on his chestnut brown eyes. “Hey, handsome.”
It sounds more natural than the last time I said it, and I count that as a success. “So,” his eyes dart around his hotel room, “I was wondering if you wanted to go out tonight?”
I didn’t see that coming. In hindsight, I should have. We’ve been flirting for over a month, so it was probably about time we went on a date. Comparative to the timeline in the books I usually read, I’m pretty sure we’re behind. I’m channeling my inner Wyoming Addie—the version of me who’s brave and free. I try to say ‘yes’ but somehow combine it with ‘yep’, and it all comes out a bit jumbled.
Callum’s laugh trickles through me like warm honey. “So that’s a ‘yes’?”
Nodding demurely, I focus myself on my breathing again. It’s slipping away. He’s staring at me intensely. “What? Do I have something in my teeth?”
His eyes are darting again, but this time between my lips and my eyes. Voice shaky, he replies, “No no no, you’re perfect. I can’t believe I scored a date with THE Baddie Addie.”
Callum’s joking, but it still feels good.
“You better savor it,” I joke back.
He’s smiling the words, “Oh trust me, I will. I’ll pick you up at 7?”
My finger hovers over the end call button while I nod again. I have to hang up before I fuck this up. Callum waves goodbye, and I throw my phone against my bed as the call ends and let out a strangled scream into my pillow.
It’s been ages since I’ve been on a date. I’m not sure I remember how to do it, but I promised myself I would try. I keep it casual with a pair of yoga pants and my vans. The top I choose is one Riley got for me—it’s tighter than I’m used to, but my boobs look good.
Fuck it, I’m gonna let my hair down too. It’s messy, half curly, half wavy, but it’s mine and I’m gonna own it. Who gives a fuck if some guy doesn’t enjoy the way the dead proteins on my head lay across my shoulders?
He’s staying at a hotel downtown, and part of me wonders if he’ll invite me over after the date. I already know I’m not ready for that, and I’ll say no. But it would be nice to be asked…I think.
Having him pick me up from my literal vehicle feels stupid, but I lean in and try not to think too hard about it. He’s trying to be sweet, so I’m doing my best to let him. He’s playing classic outdoorsy music, gentle strums of guitar with a bit of poetry mixed in.
It’s nice…he’s nice. I deserve nice, right?
The village is still very much alive. There’s a few fires scattered throughout, and a mix of families and mountain bums are soaking up the summer skies. The warm glow from string lights fills the air, just like it did in the gazebo when Callum and I officially met. It’s Kismet—or a signal that the menu is going to be overpriced. Either way, I’m going to appreciate it.
For a second, just a second, I find myself wondering what Reid is doing tonight. I texted him to let him know he could use whatever was in the fridge and the miniature kitchen in Willa if he needed. I’m not sure why the idea of him being bored or lonely got to me so much. Chances are, he’s with that girl from last summer.
