I felt a ghost of a smile on my shoulder, and when she spoke I could hear it in her voice. “Pura and Yolanda don’t mess around when it comes to sancocho. Prepare yourself to go into meat shock. They put so many kinds in that thing.”
“I can’t wait. It’ll be nice to go to your place.”
Neither of us had to say how different being with her family would be from being with mine.
I was drifting in the silence when Julia spoke. “You have to get your sister and yourself out of here. It’s not good for any of you.”
She held herself tightly and just out of my reach. Like she knew it was the right thing to do and say but also meant that we’d lose what we had right now. Or maybe when she said it like me, she thought of Dallas as a possible place for the three of us to start fresh. Maybe the city where I’d found her could be the right amount of distance between me and my parents. But I didn’t ask her. I couldn’t bear to hear her tell me that the thought of me permanently in Dallas had never occurred to her.
Julia
“I can’t believe you’re already leaving in two days. We’ll miss you.”
I froze in the middle of rolling up a pair of jeans and found my mom standing in the doorway of my bedroom. Rocco had left earlier and after some heated kisses on my parents’ porch he’d gone back to his hotel. We would see each other when I got back, but I was already fretting about the more permanent separation coming in just a few weeks.
As soon as he left, I’d come back into the house and started arranging my clothes in my suitcase as if packing would make the time go faster. Everything about what I was feeling confused me. Rocco had obligations to his sister and I needed to keep living my life, making a go of things in Dallas. Those two things were not happening in the same place. I could’ve told him last night to consider a move south. That maybe the New York City suburbs weren’t far enough for their parents’ influence to wane, but I chickened out. I didn’t want to hear it when he told me he didn’t want to do it. That my being there wasn’t enough of a reason for him to leave New York behind.
“Lita, where did you go, mija?”
“Sorry, Mami.” I tried to remember what she’d asked me. “Yeah, I’ll miss you guys too. We have plans for New Year’s with the Exiles, so I just wanted to make sure I didn’t forget the dress I wore for Nochebuena, in case I want to use it.”
“He really likes you.” The tone in my mother’s voice made it clear that she was well aware of the way things were between Rocco and me. I’d tried not to be obvious, but I’d caught him looking at me like he wanted to tear me apart a few times, over the sancocho. I was sure I’d been looking at him the same way all night, and neither of my parents was blind—nor was my grandmother, for that matter.
“I like him. He’s been a good friend.”
My mother dipped her head and gave me a lopsided smile, which I knew meant that she was seeing right through me. She sat on the bed and began folding clothes, without looking at me.
“Friends, you say? I never knew you kissed your friends the way you were kissing that man on our porch, mija.”
Damn Rocco and his irresistible mouth.
“Mami, it’s complicated, okay? He has to stick around here. His relationship with his parents is really hard and it’s taking a toll on his sister and his niece. He’s got a plan to get a place in Westchester. I’m in Dallas. Long distance doesn’t work; he can’t just change the plans he has with his sister. I don’t even want him to. So it’s pointless.”
“Okay, so why can’t you come back here?” The hopeful note in her voice almost killed me.
I shook my head and zipped up my bag a little more forcefully than necessary. “I’m not doing that. I’m not moving across the country for a man ever again.”
My mother looked at me with such concern. I hoped that she had a way to fix it, because I was out of ideas that didn’t involve me hating myself in the end. “Mija, don’t let what Matt did dictate your life. I’m not going to act like I wouldn’t love to have you closer, but believe me that’s not the reason why I’m saying you could always come back.”
I sat down next to her, not knowing what to say. How to explain all the conflicting feelings inside me. I wanted to be the kind of person who wasn’t swept away by a feeling or my need for someone. I wanted to be someone who could stick to my plan and not be unraveled by a relationship.
“Mami, I can’t keep uprooting my life to follow men. I can’t.” My voice broke then, from how fucking agonizing all this felt. “What aboutme? What about my loyalty to myself and my own needs?”
She nodded and held my hand. “Of course, baby, that’s the most important thing—being happy with yourself. But it’s more than Rocco, although...the way he looks at you, sweetheart. That’s not easy to walk away from.” She rolled her eyes and looked toward the open door. “Your abuelita is smitten. Esos ojos azules.” We both laughed at my grandmother’s swooning for Rocco’s blue eyes. “What I meant was, you seemed happy in Dallas. You love your job, the friends you’ve made. You made a life there, honey. You found yourself in a bad situation and you really made the best of it. I just want you to know that you don’t have to feel like you can’t come back here just because the last move didn’t work the way you thought it would.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“Thanks, Mami.”
My mom got up then and left the room. I thought she was just letting me be but a moment later she came back with my dad, and he looked like he was primed to give me one of his “talks.”
When they were in lecture mode, it was better to just let them say their piece.
“Oh, God. Is this about to become a ‘Growth Moment’?”
My father was not amused. “Yes, it is, young lady. Just because you’re grown and living in another state doesn’t mean your parents can’t still tell you what’s what.”
My mom held my hand and looked at my dad before she spoke. “Did you know that right before we went to California for your dad’s PhD, I left him and went back to Santo Domingo without even saying goodbye?”
