“I’m glad I came, but.” She sat up and put her feet on the floor. “I need to go to the bathroom.” I rolled my eyes at the goofy face she made. “But when I come back, will you tell me what happened?”
“Yeah,” I said to her naked back as she walked to the bathroom.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Rocco
When people talked about contentment, true absolute bliss, I always envisioned a billionaire somewhere in some exotic location. Lounging without a care in the world.
No. This was bliss. Julia del Mar Ortiz, naked and still warm from making love, draped over my chest while I ran my fingers over her back.
This was what being whole felt like.
She’d come back from the bathroom and brought us water. We’d kissed and touched for what felt like hours and now in the darkness of the room, our silence felt sacred.
She turned around, running her leg over mine, and looked up. Her face was barely visible in the darkness of the room, but I knew the question was coming. “What happened?”
Usually I didn’t want to discuss my family, or at least not my parents. The scars still felt so raw at times like this. I never went over this stuff with Sofia, because hers were pretty raw too. So other than Coach and my therapist, I never talked about my family. But right now with Julia here, for the first time in a very long time I felt like I was safe to open up.
I sighed as I pulled her up and tightened my arms around her.
“Honestly, the same shit as always. You’d think I’d learn to not let my dad get to me like that. But he knows how to push my buttons, and I end up acting as bad as he does.”
I could feel the tension in her body as she quietly listened. She’d told me before she tried not to “therapize” her friends, but I also knew how hard it was for her to not help.
She kissed my shoulder before she spoke, and when she did her voice was so gentle. “It’s not easy going back into a place that has never felt safe for you. People talk about resilience and how kids just get over bad stuff that happens in childhood, and in many ways they do. You can heal, you can develop ways to cope, but your body and your brain hasn’t forgotten how scary and unsafe you felt as a kid around your dad, in your home.”
I exhaled, not sure how deeply I wanted to go into this shit. “The thing is, I’d gotten past this, or at least tried to find ways to manage the fight-or-flight instinct that takes over my brain when I’m around them, and for the most part it works. Except with my dad. He just takes me right back to square one.” I sighed, feeling the tension in my shoulders as I remembered how ugly he’d been today. “I almost punched him in front of the baby.”
She ran a hand over my chest and in a very low voice whispered, “Oh, babe.”
The way that endearment slipped out, like it was the most natural thing in the world. It was hard not to want to take every risk if it meant there’d be some kind of future where this was my life.
“He was about to say hateful, nasty shit and I just lost it. I knew he did it on purpose too. Because he knows I can take anything he wants to spew about me, but I won’t stand for him talking about Sofia.”
She shook her head. “Abusive people are masters at manipulation. He knows you’d protect your sister.”
“He told me I was just like him and even though I know it’s not true, I can’t deny that the first thing I did was lunge at him. I reacted exactly like he would. He’s never going to change and Sofia can’t stop herself from going over there. I don’t know if she feels guilty or what the fuck it is, but it’s not a good environment for her or for Blue.”
Julia’s soothing hands were the only thing keeping me from going to a bad headspace. “It’s hard to walk away from your parents. Honestly, kids who grow up in abusive homes sometimes have the hardest times severing ties. Trauma is complicated.”
I sighed, and tipped my head up. “I need to get her out of here. She feels bad for them and ends up bringing the baby. I found out today my dad talked her into letting my mom watch Blue a couple of afternoons a week. It’s on the days my father isn’t home, and that usually means my mom isn’t drinking or stressed out from having him around, but with them you never know. And I know my mom loves the baby, and wants to be able to help Sofia, but they’re just not reliable.”
“It must he exhausting, worrying about them all the time. And feeling guilty because you feel that way about your parents. It’s a lot, baby.”
That was it. The guilt about not trusting my parents.
“Yeah.” The word came out in a rush of breath. I felt tired and on edge from thinking about my parents and the pressure I felt to act before something bad happened to Sofia or Blue.
I looked down at her again, the care and worry so obvious on her face. This was all so much. I never knew I could have all this. A woman who made me burn for her, who gave herself to me exactly like I needed it. Someone who fulfilled every want, every desire and then could sit with me in the same bed and make me feel safe enough to say the things I could barely tell myself. I slunk down until we were on our sides, face-to-face, and pressed my mouth to hers.
“You’re incredible. Thank you for coming tonight.”
She returned the kiss and licked the seam of my mouth before pulling away. “It’s the least I can do, since you’ll have to put up with the Ortizes tomorrow.”
I smiled at that and pushed closer, a warm feeling spreading in my chest when I thought of spending time with her family.
“I like hanging out with your folks, and I can’t wait to try the sancocho. I’ve only ever had it in restaurants and I know it’s gotta be better homemade.”
