“Golden.” Lucero’s hand rests on my neck, big and warm and possessive. Under his gaze I’m realer than I’ve ever been.
But…
“I feel out of control.”
My shoulders tremble as I fight back tears that always rise when I’m around this man. It’s as if what I feel for him—desire, confusion, frustration, connection—can’t bear to be pushed down anymore, and, desperate to escape, it’s found another way to leak out.
“It’s not just that you’re my soulmate, it’s that I don’t have a say in how I get to react to you. Or…” My voice trembles “Or how you react to me.”
He shakes his head, not understanding. “There is a choice; you chose to walk away four days ago, and then you chose to come with me tonight.”
“And you followed me because you think you have to!” I cry out. “You don’t even want me, Lucero.”
He makes a sound like the very thought is insane. “Of course I do.”
I force my chin up. “I’m not going to be your damn golden replacement!”
Lucero huffs out a breath, features scrunched in bewilderment.
In the corner of my eye Kai edges towards the kitchen knives stabbed into a wooden block. I grip his hand to keep him by my side. Kai doesn’t need to worry that Lucero will hurt me. He never would, I know it in my bones even as I fight back.
“You only want me because I’m your super special soulmate, made exactly for you!”
“Silly boy.” Lucero’s face softens and he lays his palms flat, like he’s offering himself. “Don’t you see it's the other way around? I was born for you. I died and became a vampire to know you, in every way that I can. My very purpose on this earth is you.”
Those damned tears wobble my vision. “Sounds pretty toxic, dude. Maybe you need therapy before a new boyfriend.”
“Alright, I think we should all cool down,” Kai he interjects smoothly.
Lucero closes his eyes, trying to find patience. “This is going all wrong again, I just need to explain and then you’ll understand. Why don’t you dry off first, and we can talk when you're more comfortable.”
“You don’t want me, Lucero!” I scream. He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off. “Take away this soulmate thing, would you look at me twice?”
“Or keep fighting, I guess,” Kai grumbles.
“Are you asking if I think you’re beautiful? Because yes, Golden. You steal my breath, I’ve never met anyone as beautiful.”
“What about your other soulmates?” I’m shouting, I can’t stop myself even if a part of me wants to fall into his arms and be loved.
But to not even be second place, but fourth? To not really be picked, but be some cosmic obligation? How could I live with that?
“Yes,” Lucero replies curtly, “they were beautiful, is that what you want to hear?”
‘Not really,’ I think, a bitter part of myself wishing they didn’t even exist, so he can never compare and find me lacking.
“Your beauty is otherworldly, and more than that I see how kind you are,” Lucero says, voice softening, tender. “How sweet.”
“It isn’t even about how I look.” I slap a hand over my chest. “It’s because everything you feel is because of the soul thing, isn't it?”
“Golden, mate, c’mon. Let’s stop this.” Kai tugs at my hand.
I pull away from Kai. “It’s true!”
“You’re being stubborn, Golden.” It was the first time Lucero aimed real frustration at me, and I liked it—liked that he wasn’t just some man-shaped lump of clay whose only desire seemed to please me.
“And you aren’t?” I wave a hand in Lucero’s direction. “How many street rats like me do you pass every day?”
This time he does grab my upper arm. “Don’t call yourself such a thing.”
