The room that would have belonged to my baby is hollow and quiet.
I reach under the crib to grab the mirror and the baggy of coke I know that’s under there from my last break down. I can’t handle the pain of knowing I fucked everything up. I pushed Bella away and now there’s no getting her back.
I dump the baggy of coke on the mirror, sliding the credit card off the mirror to create a line. The dollar I used the last time is lying on the mirror all rolled up ready for me to blow two years of sobriety.
Once the white angel powder is in a perfect line, I stick the dollar in my nose to numb the pain. I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to fight the demons that follow me around no matter how much I try to fight them.
The monsters that haunt my memories of everything I have ruined. I could never be the man I needed to be to earn the love and trust of Bella. I could never be the one she needed fully.
I’m not worth a life full of love.
I do a quick sniff and instantly feel all my nerve endings waking up for the first time since the last time I have done it. I don’t want to fight the high I need to get through to get over Bella.
I groan, dropping the mirror on the carpet. I rub my nose and moan a little as I feel each and every little bit of pain that I once felt leave my body.
“I’m so sorry, Bella. I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry to everyone,” I confess in a room full of no one. The only people in the world I could have needed and did need have left.
The baby I once thought I had growing, was killed by a selfish ex-girlfriend. I could have saved the baby. Could I have? I want to say I could have saved the baby from my evil fuckin’ ex from killing him.
Could I have prevented the pain I feel right now if I would have put on a condom? Probably. At the end, I’m an enforcer for The Diablos. Do I even deserve anything that beautiful?
Do I deserve the love I would have gotten from Bella?
I’ve run out of time to save my life and now I’m done for.
I pick up the mirror, getting another line in order to sniff. I sniff it quickly and laugh at the sad sack of shit I’ve become.
I do another.
And another.
And another.
Then I do another in hopes of blacking out from the high. Anything that will stop the pain of pushing Bella away and losing everything I once thought I needed.
Bella
At night he comes for me. Each night he comes for me, the more I cry myself to sleep after he leaves. He says he loves me but I didn’t think love was supposed to hurt this bad.
“Bella, why’re you crying?” He asks. “Did dad hurt you?”
I shake my head not wanting to anger my father anymore. “No.”
If I admit that he hurt me, who knows what would happen to me next. My body can’t take anymore. I can’t handle it.
He brushes the hair off my face and leans in to give me a kiss on my forehead. To anyone else, it would seem paternal. I know the truth.
It’s a form of reminding me I belong to him. I won’t ever be able to leave him.
I cry myself to sleep.
Turns out two weeks in a motel room can do a lot for a woman. I’ve spent the past two weeks banging out all of my homework and emailing the professors thanking them for their understanding. I had no idea how much I needed to focus on something more than Beast and The Diablos MC.
Each time I finished an assignment, I felt like I was getting my life back on track.
Pushing the thoughts of Beast out of my mind, I focused more on what I wanted to do when I grew up. Each time I considered something, I wondered if I would run into Beast in that profession. What would it feel like to run into him after all is said and done? Would he still want me if I were to be a lawyer?
The MC princess moving on and trying to stop crime and violence.
