I follow Kyle into the living room. “Have a seat, and I’ll grab us some beers. Or do you want something stronger?”
“A beer is fine.”
Once Kyle’s out of sight I flop down on the sofa, the adrenaline that led me here fading away fast. He’s been right all along—we do need to face our past. Those guys in the pub allowed me to see everything differently, like a camera lens bringing a pictureinto crystal clear focus. I thought I’d forgiven Kyle, thought I’d forgiven myself, but now I realise I never truly have.
Now, as all the blame falls away, I see that we were just kids, and we were both victims. I’ve got so many unanswered questions, and there’s still hurt and anger to let go of, but I’m ready to face it head-on now.
Kyle returns with two beers, handing me one then taking a seat beside me on the sofa. There’s a movie playing on the TV, but he turns it off. I ache to touch him, map his skin with my fingers and discover what is still the same and what has matured into something even more tempting. But mostly, I just want time with him. Unrushed. Private. Where only we exist. A world where we don’t have husbands or families or jobs. Knowing I can’t have that devastates me in ways I cannot begin to put into words.
“Bren, tell me what’s going on.”
Closing my eyes for a moment, I gather my thoughts before resettling my gaze on him. “I guess at first I came here thinkin’ we could fix things. You know, talk things through and make peace with the past. Which we can, of course, and we should. But unfortunately, that won’t solve our bigger problem.”
Confusion clouds Kyle’s face. “Bren, I don’t understand. What is our bigger problem?”
I push off the sofa and walk over to the window because I can’t say the next part while looking at him. “I want us to forgive each other and move on for real, but I know you’ll want more. It’s always more with you, Ky. Even back in the day you were constantly pushin’ me, wantin’ more than I could give, and it seems like that hasn’t changed.” I clear my throat, my voice about to betray me. “But did you ever stop to think that maybe I don’t have anythin’ more to give you?”
“Brendan, please turn around.”
I turn to find Kyle standing a few feet in front of me, boyish hope plastered all over his face. Maybe I shouldn’t have come after all.
“Bren, I know you still feel something for me. The other night, when you kissed me, that wasn’t someone who has nothing left to give. The question you should be asking is how long you’re going to keep lying to yourself.”
“Ky, this isn’t about me lying to myself. This is about Chris. Chris doesn’t deserve this shit. He’s a good man.”
“What, andyoudon’t deserve to be happy? Do you honestly think Chris wants to be with a man who loves someone else? Do you think that’s going to bringhimhappiness?”
I’m torn, my head and heart ripping me in opposite directions. “Fuckin’ hell, Ky. I love Chris. Ido.”
“But you’re notinlove with him, are you?”
Unable to hold his gaze any longer, I look away. “I’m not in love with you, either.” Guilt instantly washes over me with the realisation of what I’ve inadvertently revealed.
Kyle takes another tiny step closer, the temperature of my skin rising with his closeness.
“But you could be. I know you feel it. This undeniable pull between us. It’s still as strong as it was when we were boys.”
“It’s too late,” I say, exasperated. “I married someone else. You never bothered to come lookin’ for me. You walked away and now all these years later you think you can just waltz back into my life and expect me to come runnin’. That’s not fuckin’ fair Ky, and you know it.”
He edges closer again, this time reaching out for me. I glare in warning, and he drops his hand.
“You always protected me,” he whispers. “You made so many sacrifices, and you looked after me when I got sick. But, most of all, you were the only one that truly loved me. And what did I do? I abandoned you when you needed me most. I know that mybipolar was a big part of the problem, but I was a coward too. I’d do anything—fuckinganything, Bren—to go back in time and do things differently.”
His words are everything I had wanted to hear for so long, especially when I was rotting away in prison, desperate for a reason to keep living. But to hear them now, well, it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t erase all those years of heartache. “But you can’t,” I whisper.
“Bren, I never stopped loving you. The reason why I walked away and didn’t visit you in prison was because I felt somehow responsible and unworthy of you. I was already broken at nineteen and I didn’t think I could ever repair the damage I had done to our relationship.”
Tears fill Kyle’s eyes. I ache to hold him, to tell him he was never responsible and was always worthy, isstillso worthy, but I let him go on. Let him say his piece.
“Please Bren, I need you to understand, and I need to set things right between us. When you landed on my doorstep two months ago, I couldn’t shove it down anymore. I couldn’t keep denying my feelings. Because I do want another chance. I wantyou.”
And there it is. The problem we can’t solve.
Chapter 29
Kyle
Now
