Forcing myself to stand, I shuffle to the bathroom.
I see a whole different side to my husband now. Perhaps the signs have always been there, but I’ve been too caught up in the romance to notice. All the glitz and glam has been a deflection, like distorted carnival mirrors, so I wouldn’t see what was really happening.
I am James’s possession, his plaything. ExceptnowI’m no longer shiny and new. I’m not fun to be around and I don’t havea six-pack anymore. As if I have the time or energy to visit the gym every day with a young child to care for.
I was fucking stupid to have been so blind. Now I’m trapped. But I need to make it work for Lu’s sake. I’ve already tried to leave once or twice, but he put a stop to that. Told me I’d never see Lu again. That he’d make sure the courts knew about my past—my drug taking, my hooking—and all the crazy shit I do when I’m manic. James said I’d lose custody, and there’s no way I would ever risk finding out if he’s right. He’s the lawyer, he knows this stuff.
It’s embarrassing to admit, but sometimes our fights go too far. A slap across my face, bruises around my wrists and shoulders. Locking me in our bedroom. “It’s to keep you safe,” he says.
I try to just suck it up now. Argue less. I’m a Davies, and I’ve been through worse shit than this. I’ve got a nice house and a car and never have to worry about paying bills. And Lu deserves two parents, and after-school activities, and every opportunity money can buy. If all it takes is to play at being the perfect husband, then I’ll do it. I’m determined Lu will have everything I never did.
After my shower, I walk down the hall to Lu’s bedroom. She’s sitting on the floor with her dolls lined up and ready to play. Sinking down beside her, I kiss the top of her head. “Which one should I hold?” I ask.
“This one, Daddy,” she says, showing me her favourite. “You feed her. I’m going to make her a bed.”
I watch my precious little girl lay out some blankets as I pretend to feed the doll.
I’ll sacrifice anything for her. She’s worth everything.
I’m nothing like my parents, I remind myself. And I never will be.
Chapter 28
Brendan
Now
Sam, one of my employees, announces his wife is expecting, so the whole crew gathers at the local pub to celebrate. We grab a couple of booths side-by-side and, as the boss, I shout the first round of beers.
I’m on my second drink when two men stroll in, hand-in-hand, and take a seat in the corner booth on the opposite side of the pub. They look young, only eighteen or nineteen, faces bright with the possibilities of life. They look at each other like they’re the only two people on the planet and I can’t take my eyes off them. The longer I watch, the bigger the lump grows in my throat, until I can barely speak.
At first, they’re seated on opposite sides of the booth, holding hands across the table; but soon the blonde one moves, sliding in next to his boyfriend. From where I’m seated, I can see him run his hand up and down the brunette’s thigh, inching closer and closer to his groin.
Then their lips are together, moving with brazen and unabashed desire. It’s fucking beautiful. They don’t seem to have a care in the world—so at ease with their sexuality—and surprisingly, not one person in the pub says a single word.
I’m hit with a desperate ache for their existence. For my younger self to have had this with Kyle. This freedom to love and just be myself.
I feel robbed.
Bruce took everything from me, and stole from Kyle, too. The realisation shifts something inside me, something that I had cut myself off from.
Standing, I slip my phone into my pocket, then stride out of the pub without even so much as a goodbye.
Fifteen minutes later, after speeding down the highway, I stand on the Johnson front porch and waver. My heart thumps erratically, my breaths shallow and uncertain. Shit, is this crazy? Have I lost my fucking mind? I remember Ky mentioning James is away and Lucinda on camp, but still, should I be here? Doesn’t that make it even worse? I swallow nervously, knowing that’s precisely why I’m here.
So, with a shaking hand, I ring the bell.
An eternity seems to pass while I bounce nervously on my heels. When Kyle finally opens the door, his face is a jumble of confusion and surprise.
“Bren? What are you doing here?”
“Don’t have a fuckin’ clue why I’m here,” I say, even though that’s not true. My face burns with both fear and excitement, so I continue before I lose my courage. “I saw this couple at the pub. They were young, probably still in their teens, but they reminded me so much of us when we were alone, when I’d…when I’d…let go. And allow myself to be the real me.”
I suck in a shuddering breath and then exhale slowly, hoping Kyle understands what I’m trying to say. He doesn’t speak, his eyes soft and concerned, so I push on. “I wish we could’ve been like that all the time. You know, out in the open. At the pub, walking down the street, public PDAs and all that shit. I wish Bruce could’ve just let us fuckin’be.”
Kyle's eyes dart all over my face, searching for answers. “Why don’t you come in and have a drink, Bren. It sounds like you need one.” He smiles, his eyes gentle and affectionate, and I melt.
I don’t need to be nervous. Not really. This is Kyle. The boy I was once willing to die for. The boy who pursued me and made me feel like I was worth something. The ending was heartbreaking, but those years together were the happiest of my life.
