The following day I spend studying, even getting a jump on next week’s assignment. Around 7:00 PM, I decide to call it quits, my mind so fried that the words on the page begin to blur. Since I can’t be stuffed cooking, I throw a frozen dinner in the microwave then settle on the sofa to watch a movie while I eat. My mind wanders to Lu, missing her, but hoping she’s having a fantastic time. The kids weren’t allowed to take their phones, so I can’t even text her and check in.
By midway through the movie, I stop paying attention, my thoughts returning to Bren yet again. I’m confident he’ll want to talk at some point in the future. But for now, I need to give him the time and space to process what still lies between us. We can’t afford to have another fight, so I won’t push it no matter how much I want to.
When we were young, our relationship was passionate and explosive. We’d often fight then fuck, the intensity of our love almost bordering on toxic. Jealousy and possessiveness were an accelerant we doused ourselves in, and we lived in a constant state of push and pull. It was addictive in a way, and the hunger with which we loved made me feel wanted. Something I had never felt before Bren. My parents didn’t want me, and I’d neverhad a close friend I could rely on. While my siblings did the best they could, they were facing their own battles, trying to survive just like I was.
It’s only been over the last few years that I’ve truly come to understand the effects of my childhood trauma. Dr. Riley would talk about it, but it didn’t sink in for the longest time. I realise that since Bren has come back into my life we’ve been triggering each other into fight or flight all over again, and it needs to stop. Because if we get a second chance at this, I want to do it right and have a healthy, stable relationship.
Pushing off the sofa, I head into the kitchen and pull the tub of ice cream from the freezer. While I wait for Bren to be ready to talk, I have plenty to keep myself busy. On top of completing the course and getting a job, I need to check out rental house options so I can budget for my and Lu’s future without James. We’ll need some new furniture, and I’ll have to hire a removal company to get our personal possessions out of the house. This, of course, is all dependent on the assumption that she’s coming with me, which I’m feeling more and more confident about with each passing day.
I feel certain we’ve turned a corner and are genuinely connecting again. I don’t plan on telling her any details ahead of time, not until I have all my ducks lined up in a nice straight row. James is strategic and arrogant and hates to lose. He’ll pull every legal move in the book to take Lu from me, so I need to stay one step ahead.
Chapter 27
Kyle
12 years earlier
When Lucinda is almost three, I cycle through a brief manic period, charging ten grand on credit cards in two days and exercising for three nights in a row until I collapse. Then I descend into a debilitating depression. After a change in medsand three weeks in bed, the fog finally clears, and I’m faced with a very unhappy husband. He rants about what I’ve put him through—having to take time off work to care for Lu, causing him to lose an important case, and jeopardising his career—while I sit on the edge of the bed, Lu on my lap.
I don’t respond. Lu’s little hands wrap around my neck, her face tucking in under my chin. She smells like strawberry bubble bath, and it brings a smile to my face. I worry I’ve given her a fear of abandonment and neglected her, or perhaps worse: made her afraid of me.
James’s voice drones on and on as he keeps complaining. Since having Lu, my mental health has become a huge inconvenience to him. I shut out his words as I look at my daughter’s perfect heart-shaped face. She looks back at me, her big, blue, innocent eyes filled with concern.
Brushing the fine blonde hair off her forehead, we rub our noses together. Lu giggles, so I do it again.
“I love you, pumpkin,” I whisper.
“I wuv you, Daddy. Are you all better now? You was sick.”
“I’m still tired but I’m slowly getting better,” I tell her. “I’m sorry, beautiful.”
Lu holds my face in her tiny hands then plants a smoochy kiss to my lips. “I missed you,” she says, eyes wide and serious.
James has gone into the ensuite, but I know he hasn’t finished with his verbal tirade.
“I missed you too. Let’s play with your dolls today.”
Lu turns my face so she can whisper into my ear. “Goody goody cos Papa won’t pway wif me.”
It’s not a surprise, but it would’ve been nice for James to make an effort while I was bed bound. “Well, I will. It’s my favourite thing to do.” I force my lips into a smile.
“Daddy, you stinky!” she says, fingers pinching her nose closed.
I laugh. “I am. I’ll have a shower and then we can play. Have you eaten your breakfast?”
“Yep! I had fwuity loops. I get my dolls weady.” Lu climbs off my lap and bounds out of the room. She’s so smart that some days I think I will burst with pride. She already knows the alphabet and her numbers to ten, and her vocabulary and sentences are amazing for her age. It makes me believe I’m doing something right.
When James returns, he starts pacing the room as he continues with his bullshit.
“How was I supposed to explain to the senior partners that my husband was lying in bed for weeks on end and couldn’t make it to the annual company dinner? Do you know how fucking embarrassing it was to attend on my own? I’m under enough scrutiny as it is being gay. It’s important I come across as a happily married family man if I’m ever going to make partner.”
I stare at the wall. Numb.
James’s pacing comes to a stop in front of me. “Do you even fucking care about anyone other than yourself?”
I glare up at him, eyes narrowed. “I care about our daughter.”
“Just not enough to get out of bed and look after her. I need to find you a better doctor. We cannot have this happening again. And I don’t think we should have another child. It’s obvious one is too much for you.” James looks me up and down with disdain. Then he leaves for work.
