“Yeah, I love it. And with Lu going on camp tomorrow and James in Sydney all week I’ll have more time to study. How’s business going? Are you happy?”
It’s pretty obvious Kyle isn’t asking if I’m happy with my business. He’s asking if I’m happy with Chris. “The business is expandin’ all the time. We don’t need to advertise anymore, the jobs just come in from word of mouth. It’s a simple life without drama and that makes me happy. I like the routine, the stability.”
Kyle’s eyes lock onto mine, calm and composed. “I get that, Bren. All I want is a simple life too. To look after Lu, save a few lives on the job, and be with the man I’m meant to be with.”
His eyes drop to my mouth, heat racing up my spine as temptation licks at my skin. Am I still that little boy playing with matches, too stupid to see the inevitable fire and ashes? “Ky, what the fuck are we doin’?” I blurt out. “We’ve already had a few arguments, and I hit you.”
“I told you Bren, I deserved it. It’s okay. I shouldn’t have said what I said.”
“And I shouldn’t have said whatIsaid. Face it man, we were never good for each other.” I pause, looking down.Lies.“Kyle, I need you to give me some space and time. There’s too much shit goin’ on in my head right now.”
He places his hand on my thigh, my breath hitching. “Bren, it will always be like this until we fix it. I’ve been carrying this around with me for twenty years and you can deny it all you want, but you have, too. At some point we need to lay it out on the table and face it.”
I shift my leg, severing the contact before I give into temptation once again. “I don’t know if I can do that,” I say, and it’s the most honest thing I’ve said since he walked back into my life.
“Bren, you’re just scared.”
I exhale heavily. “Fuckin’ oath I’m scared, and you should be, too. But this is a hell of a lot easier for you because you don’t love James. I’m happily married. Look, I need to go.” Standing abruptly, I head back inside, placing my beer mug on the kitchen counter before making my way to the front door. Kyle follows silently behind.
When I step outside onto the front porch, he finally speaks. “Bren, whenever you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”
“Thanks for the beer,” I say as I stride down the front path toward my Ute, not daring to look back.
Chapter 25
Kyle
20 years earlier
Iplace the last remaining items into my backpack, having already spent the last few hours hauling boxes back to my family home.
But it’s for the best.
Sitting down on the double bed, I wait for Bren. Tiffany is visiting her mother with Ethan, so we’ll be alone. These fucking meds make my mind feel sluggish and heavy, as if the world is out of focus, time passing in slow-motion. I can’t really feel anything. No anger, no sadness, no joy or excitement. Just numb. I wonder if I will dissolve and scatter away on the wind. Bren says I’ll get used to it and things will be better, but if this is what it’s going to be like from now on, what’s the fucking point of anything?
But if there’s one thing I hate more than my meds, it’s what I did to Bren. That’s why this is the right choice. Let Bren live his life without the burden of me, without my betrayals and my chaos. When I think about it, I’ve always made Bren’s life worse. Perhaps if I never existed, he could’ve found a way to be happy with Tiffany. Live a normal, straight life with a decent job and a family. Bruce might’ve treated him like a real son. Bren might’ve been happy.
Things had been good for a while—the three of us living here with baby Ethan. Being gay, I didn’t think there was any chance of being a dad or having a family, so this was as close as I’ll probably ever get. Tiff had been great too, letting me care for Ethan, babysitting, feeding him his bottle, and rocking him to sleep when he wouldn’t stop crying. I love Ethan so damn much and I’ll miss seeing him grow up.
My gaze shifts around the room—our room—memories materialising before my eyes… Bren is smiling, and I am too. Laughing, talking, fucking. Why did it have to happen? We were finally happy and free. Sharing a bed with Bren every night was a dream come true. I don’t think I could love anyone more than I love Bren.
I huff, my eyes settling on the photograph of us that sits on the bedside table.
But of course, something had to go wrong, didn’t it? There are never any happy endings for boys like me and Bren. Deadbeat kids from fucked up homes.
In the hospital they tried to explain it to me, but all I know is that it felt like something broke inside my head, and I went fucking crazy for a while. Manic, they called it. And a psychotic break, as well. Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Meds for the rest of my fucking life.You’ll need to manage your depressive and manic phases carefully, the doctor had said, with fake fucking sympathy on his face. I’m nineteen years old and what do I have to look forward to now?
I don’t remember how many guys I fucked while I was manic, let alone their names. Don’t think I used condoms either. Spent all our savings, too. Took out credit cards and ran up a shit load of debt. Went missing for a week and didn’t call Bren. He thought I was fucking dead in a ditch.
Shame eats at my insides.
The front door opens and closes. “Ky, you home?” Bren calls out. “How are you feelin’?”
I stand and wait for him to appear in the bedroom doorway.
“Hey,” he says, his face immediately concerned when he sets his eyes on me. “You okay? Did you take your meds?”
“Yeah. We need to talk.”
