I feel the blood drain from my face. I had thought that because Abe is so fun-loving, he didn’t take our relationship as seriously as I was beginning to. How could I have presumed such a thing, just from overhearing a conversation in a cafe?
Johanna’s dog starts getting excited as a woman approaches the table and my hot chocolate almost tips over with all the excitement.
‘Oh, here’s my wife now. This is Famke.’
‘Hi,’ she says.
I want the ground to open up and swallow me. I don’t think I have ever got a situation so wrong in my life.
I can’t look at anyone. I am so embarrassed for thinking that Johanna liked Abe and that something was going on between them. I can’t even speak, and drain what is left of my hot chocolate and make an excuse to leave.
‘Well, thanks for the hot chocolate. I guess I’d better get going to the supermarket, otherwise there won’t be any of my favourite bread left on the shelves. I’ll see you around then.’
‘Yup. See you around,’ says Abe.
I stroke Ted goodbye and pick up my bike and ride away, feeling like the most mighty idiot on earth. How could I possibly sabotage something so good because I assumed the worst? I didn’t even speak to him about my suspicions when, if I had, he could have told me all along about the dog shelter and why he was giving this wonderful woman his number. How could I misjudge something so badly? He has already told me once that I need to speak to him about things and not assume stuff.
As I walk around the supermarket in a subdued daze, I wonder how I can possibly put things right. Is it really over? Or can he somehow forgive me for being such a fool? But as I think about wearing my heart on my sleeve and telling him about the ridiculous assumptions I’ve made, I realise that would mean admitting how silly I’ve been. The thought of telling him how wrong I was is mortifying.
Chapter Thirty-Four
I dump the shopping at home while becoming more and more angry at myself for being so untrusting of Abe. So many different thoughts are running through my head as I blame myself for everything. Did I fear the worst because secretly I have lost confidence over the years? Has being a wife, mam and a carer for my mam when she was ill, left me somehow feeling unworthy of happiness for myself with such a wonderful man? It doesn’t take long before I can no longer face staring at the walls of the houseboat all alone, so I put my coat back on and walk down to my favourite bar further down the canal. I feel the need to be with people as I don’t want to wallow in my own company. I am longing for a distraction.
Sitting under a patio heater with a blanket over me, I order a bottle of wine. It isn’t often that I go through a bottle on my own but, then again, it isn’t often that I make such a fool of myself. I don’t stop pouring the wine until my glass is almost full. I must look like a complete loser sat on my own, filling up my glass like someone desperate, but tonight, that would be an accurate description of how I am feeling. What difference will it make if I look the way I feel?
I watch couples chatting together and friends gathering, making me feel uncomfortable alone. My mind is playing tricks, telling me that everyone is staring at me, that they are feeling sorry for the woman on her own with a bottle of wine. Although the truth is that everyone is having far too much fun with their friends and partners to even notice me. But with every sip of wine my self-consciousness eases a little more. When I am three glasses in, I no longer care what people think of me.
I am about to pour myself my fourth glass of wine, knowing full well that I will have a terrible headache when I wake up in the morning, when I spot Abe walking in the direction of home. Perhaps it’s the wine, or maybe the guilt I feel for thinking the worst of him, but I badly want him to join me. The truth is that I miss him desperately. I cough loudly to get his attention, but in the busy street he doesn’t notice, so I call out his name, shouting, and the four women on the table next to me stop talking. Perhaps I shouldn’t have hollered quite that raucously but at least it gets him to notice me. He waves but looks as though he will continue walking home, so I gesture for him to come over. Slowly, he walks towards me, and I thank the wine for giving me the courage to summon him over.
‘Wow, bumped into you twice in one day,’ I say.
‘Yeah, just on my way home. It’s been a busy day.’
I look at the bottle of wine with another glass left in it. I might end up in the canal if I finish it, so I gesture to it and ask Abe to join me.
‘I don’t know. I really should be getting back.’
‘Oh, come on. I honestly can’t finish this by myself, please help me out.’ I give him what I hope is a pleading look.
Abe looks hesitant about joining me and I can’t blame him, but the wine is making me persistent. As a waiter passes, I ask him for an extra glass and Abe finally joins me.
‘So,’ he says.
‘So,’ I reply.
Abe drums his fingers on the wine glass, making no effort at conversation whatsoever.
‘It was nice to meet Johanna today,’ I say, attempting conversation.
‘Yeah. She’s cool.’
‘Yeah, she is.’
Abe looks down at his wine glass, then at the boats going along the canal. He gazes everywhere except towards me.
Since small talk isn’t working, I figure only an apology for my strange behaviour will save any relationship between us, even if we are left with just a friendship as neighbours, going forward. I will accept his decision whatever he chooses.
‘Abe, since you’re here with me now, I wanted to apologise about the other night. I had a terrible headache and wasn’t really thinking straight. I never meant to upset you.’
