After reading her letter, I realise that she did more than most. Choosing to take in her sick mother-in-law and sacrificing her own happiness with the man she fell in love with is off the scale when it comes to putting other people first. Aunt Grace would do anything for anyone, and I am only too aware that I’m refusing to fulfil her dying wish.
‘You don’t understand my situation.’
‘Try me.’
Can I reach out to a complete stranger, who can be annoying and persistent, and tell him that I have withdrawn from everyone and everything since Craig walked out that night? Should I tell him how the thought of receiving pitiful looks from people we knew as a couple would be too much to bear? How I am terrified of bumping into Craig and his new wife and how grateful I am for online shopping so that I can remain a recluse? Maybe it was the shock that turned me into the loner I have become. I don’t know. I haven’t told a soul how I truly feel. But at this moment, I consider that I can trust someone and tell the truth. Plus, he might then give this Prague business a rest if I am honest with him. If Aunt Grace trusted him, perhaps I can too. But I also know if I tell someone how I feel, they might think I am being silly. What will he think of me when he learns the real reason for my refusal to do anything?
‘Come on. What’s the problem with Prague?’
‘I don’t want to leave the house, okay.’
‘So, you’re saying that you’re agoraphobic?’
‘Well, not really, no. It’s just that it’s too peoply out there. I know that’s not a word. I just find I would rather stay home and live a quiet life. I have a beautiful home, so why go out into all that hustle and bustle?’
‘So, you don’t work any longer?’
‘No.’
‘I know this is impertinent of me, but if you don’t leave the house and don’t work, how can you manage to keep your home?’
I think back to my latest bank statements. He does have a point.
‘I’ll be okay.’
‘That’s good to hear then. You wouldn’t want to lose your home if you love it so much.’
Lose my home! This thought had never occurred to me. Now that, I couldn’t bear. Until now, my payments from the bank have kept me afloat but I do realise that things will change before too long. Perhaps I can start selling my strawberries and other produce from home. Although, people would have to find the mill for that, and it would mean social interaction.
‘It’s just that obviously, if you had this inheritance, well, you wouldn’t have to worry about anything like that.’
I can see he is trying to win me round, and I begin to wonder if he feels it is easier to persuade me to accept the clause in the will rather than deal with my refusal. Perhaps that is why he is making such an effort with me.
‘I know, but it’s not about the money. If I don’t want to leave the house, then all the money in the world isn’t going to make a difference.’
‘It will make a difference if the bailiffs end up coming round. Look, would it help if you spoke to a doctor about your problem about going out? I know someone wonderful you can speak to if you like.’
‘I don’t need help; I just need to be left alone.’ Why can’t people understand I choose to live like this? I enjoy my own company and am perfectly fine.
‘Maybe that’s the problem. You’ve been left alone too long.’
‘I don’t want to talk about this any longer. You’re supposed to be my aunt’s solicitor, this conversation isn’t appropriate. I shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘Look, it’s just your aunt warned me I would have to be pushy. Just think about it all. Please say you’ll do that, at least. Don’t dismiss it. She gave you one month to do this. The deadline is 20 December. I could even book your travel for the latest possible day if you like so that you have time to psych yourself up for it. You could fly back on Boxing Day. It isn’t like I’m asking you to go next week.’
‘No, I can’t do that date. It would be far too close to Christmas.’
‘Oh, are you busy over Christmas then?’
I think about how it will be just me sitting here alone with my beans on toast.
‘Yes, I might have plans.’
‘Surely, there can’t be anything better than spending Christmas in snowy Prague, sipping mulled wine, doing touristy excursions. Why don’t you let me book this? You’ll have plenty of time until you have to go and it means I can put this file down and get on with some of my other work.’
Pushed into a corner, I say something I know I will regret. What happened to me trying to be firm with people and wanting to stop making excuses?
‘Okay, just book it then. But if something better comes along, then I will be cancelling.’ I will work out what excuses I can come up with nearer the time.
