I got up and sat at the edge of my bed with my arms on my knees staring at the floor in a daze. I didn’t feel like going to work tonight but we got a three-day eviction notice on the door. Hopefully I could make enough tips at the club to hold the owner of our apartment building off until Darius got paid.
I also didn’t want to let my friend, Yvette down, she’s the only reason I got the job. I didn’t have to clock in at the strip club; she messed with the owner’s son and convinced him to let me play to earn tips while playing along with the music for the dancers. She didn’t like me at train stations playing and I feared for my safety as well. Yvette always told me how beautiful I was, how big and pretty my eyes were and how the men would tip me anything if I looked sad enough.
I didn’t believe Yvette at first, solely because of my weight. I didn’t have the body of a stripper. I was chubby and short with an ass that made most men go crazy when they saw me walk by. My ass and titties were the main thing that made menchase after me. I knew what they all wanted, I ignored it all and stayed faithful to Darius.
I smiled at Yvette words because she was indeed right. Since the first night I started playing, the men flung money and made it rain down on me. When I played, I mentally placed myself at a big arena. The first night, I made a thousand in tips and became addicted to the quick and easy money. I played every night, even on slow nights except Sundays. It was truly my healing therapy.
I forced my legs to move, sluggishly I made it to my bathroom. The pungent scent of shit smacked me right in the face. I couldn’t even frown my face up because I was used to Darius and his weak stomach. He sat on the toilet scrolling through his phone ignoring me like the world outside of his phone didn’t exist.
I took in his smooth almond skin tone, the nice waves that dipped in his head and smiled sadly at him.
“Hey babe.” I tried to force my voice to sound chipper but failed.
“Mm.” He grunted not looking up at me.
I felt slighted by his rejection to acknowledge me but didn’t have time to press him for it. I moved around him and got my bar of Dove soap then started my shower water.
“You eat today?” I still tried to make conversation, only to be ignored again.
The constant tapping at his phone made me want to snatch it and hurl it against the wall.
“Darius?” I forced a small laugh that sounded like I was choking since my throat was still dry from my nap.
“You mad at me or something?” I cocked my head to the side.
Usually, he would at least try to act like he wanted to engage with me, tonight he was cold as ice.
“Not now, Mira.” He waved his hand in the air like I was a fly annoyingly buzzing around in his face.
I felt the painful sting behind my eyes; I blinked it away fast, not wanting to cry before work. I turned away from him with a heavy feeling in my chest, as I stripped down to nothing. Once I was under the water, I let it sting my scalp first then run down my back with my head bowed in defeat. I hated how I felt, it became an everyday thing.
I felt robotic, same schedule, routine, and sadness coursing through me. I desperately wanted something to change, starting with my relationship with Darius. He was the one that got me out of my depression and made me feel like something again. He was changing, and I tried to understand that sometimes we as imperfect humans change and go through things that we don’t open up about until it’s too late.
I wanted to be understanding and work through the change that had taken place in my relationship with Darius.
“What can I do to make you fall in love with me again?” I asked loud enough over the shower, for him to hear me.
I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down the drain along with the water that beat against my skin. His silence pressed at my chest until I thought I’d collapse in the shower. I played my own voice back in my head, and realized that it sounded small, and pathetic as fuck. I hated how I sounded, hated that I even asked but deep down I needed to know. I wanted to change whatever I could to get the old Darius back.
I had begged him enough to love me the way that I needed. I opened every wound for him, let him kiss my scars and make me empty promises that I believed would come true. I let him in, and he ended up tearing through the sane parts of me.
The water drowned out the response that I desperately wanted to hear from him. I could still feel his eyes on his phoneand not on me since I entered the bathroom. I pressed my forehead to the cold tile and sobbed lowly.
Minutes later I got myself together and in check. I picked up my head and scrubbed myself until my skin felt raw. Once I rinsed off, I stepped out of the shower and snatched the towel from the rack to dry off. Darius locked his phone and stretched his long legs in front of him.
“I’m not in love with you any more Mira.” He studied my face to get my reaction, but I had none.
On the inside, I wanted to drop down to my knees and cry until I fell asleep. I felt what he just said for over a year now. It was something about hearing the words out loud that pained me worse.
“I know that, but I love you. I asked what I could do to change that so we can work through this together and get back to the old us. I can quit playing the violin at the club after tonight. It’s Friday and I could make enough in tips to cover the rent for us. After I quit, we need to re do our spending budget until we figure something out financially?—”
“Mira…you are a good woman. I think the mistake I made was feeling sorry for you then wanting to fuck you, when we first met. I understand that I was your first, and that your feelings are stronger for me. I just don’t want to be here anymore, and I hate to hurt you but it’s going to come out sooner than later…” He swallowed down then stood.
I cringed watching him pathetically grab tissue to wipe his ass. I looked away not wanting to see the shit on the tissue paper, next I’d witness him probably not wash his filthy hands after digging in his ass. I could feel it in my soul that he planned on crushing me right where I stood. I planted my feet against the tile floor to prepare myself for whatever he was getting ready to say to me.
Just like I thought, he flushed the toilet and didn’t even turn to the sink to wash his hands.
“I have twin girls on the way.” Darius stated proudly.
