“I’ve been in love with Tylaniah for two years now. I want to marry her; I even start my career in a month and will be moving to Victorville. She bought a house out there for the both of us. I can’t keep making her?—”
“What?” I swallowed the lump in my throat and blinked my eyes rapidly at him in disbelief.
He was talking fast; I needed him to slow it down. Maybe I was hearing him wrong.
“I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly.” My left eye twitched as I cleared my throat.
“You heard me, this has been going on for years now. After the first year, her and I got more serious. She has more life to her; she’s also in good shape and don’t work her ass off every hour of the day so she has the time to spend with me. She makes me feel?—”
“Like a fucking man? Is that what you wanted to say? Cause you’re not one! Actually… You’re far from a man.” I frowned in disbelief.
“I really love you, even now. I still love you. I’m crushed Darius and somewhere deep inside of me is trying to find some resolution for our relationship. I have to forgive you, and I will. You should have forgiven me before you cheated on me. You never thought about why I worked so much and didn’t have the time?” I laughed out in disbelief, feeling like all of what I’ve been doing was for nothing.
“You never were man enough to pick up more hours at your good paying job so we wouldn’t be in a hell hole of financial debt! You hit me with this?—”
“Mira—”
“Shut the fuck up!” I snapped balling my fists at my sides.
I no longer cared about holding the towel to cover myself either. It dropped to the floor as I glared at Darius. It’s crazy how you refuse to see all of the imperfections to a person you fell for. Now, I saw it all. While Darius was handsome with nutmeg smooth skin, he appeared so fucking ugly right now.
“You should have forgiven me for gaining weight under stress, although when you met me, I was close to the same size! Forgive me for being a so-called ride or die! I didn’t want to be put out on the streets since you hardly paid your part of the rent, in which I never complained about because I never wanted to make you feel less than. I forgave you for no longer making me feel secure as your woman. The flowers stopped, I forgave, the intimacy, the love, and compliments that made me feel good. I forgave it all.” My voice cracked as my tears fell down rapidly.
“I even forgave you in the beginning, right after you took my virginity…. After watching so much porn, I realized that your dick is small as hell, and you would probably never be able to reach my spot.” I chuckled bitterly.
“You see, Darius? I forgave so much with you, while remaining loyal and loving you. There were so many things that I disliked but didn’t complain about, especially if it couldn’t be helped. Yet, I can’t get the same fucking decency. I’ll hurt from this and may never get over it…At the end of the day…this shit got to end. I still have to go to work, to make enough tips to cover the rent. While you go play in some pregnant bitch face and plan out your future with. Fuck you.” I spat out.
I walked out of the bathroom with my head held high, it felt so heavy, including my heart, but there was no point in breaking down in front of him again. What would I do? Beg him? Begging wouldn’t get rid of the baby that him and some other woman created. This was just another hard pill to swallow that life forced down my throat.
My vision blurred, my heart slammed in my chest so hard it hurt. I refused to sit with this pain tonight. I stood in the middle of my room conflicted, then my body moved before my mind could argue. I walked over to our small walk-in closet then shut it softly behind me. I knelt on the soft carpet and reached behind a stack of old shoe boxes that I never wore. My fingers trembled impatiently as I pulled the smaller Nike shoe box from the back of the closet against the wall.
Reaching inside of the dirty sneaker, I sighed out of relief when I found the small, taped-up pouch that I kept just in case I got to the point of what I felt now. Anxiety, overwhelmed with life, and needing an escape. I stared at it like it was a loaded gun. Maybe to others it was, but right now, it felt like salvation and the cure for what I was currently feeling.
“You shouldn’t even do it.” I whispered to myself.
On a day-to-day basis, all I had was me. I talked to myself out loud shamelessly because I had to be my own voice of reasoning. Although I told myself I shouldn’t, my hands already opened the baggie full of powder, pure cocaine powder that wasn’t cut. I could only get it from the Eastside like I’ve been doing for years now. It was my first love, the scent of it was nostalgic for me.
I hadn’t touched it in months, fought like hell against it because deep down I knew my mom would be disappointed in me. I couldn’t help that it was the only thing that made me feel good in a life full of sadness. I moved quickly, reached back into the Nike box and pulled out a magazine. I wanted a couple of long thick lines to snort up tonight before the club. I had extra baggies inside of the left shoe as well. Mentally, I already planned to take the extra bag because I would need extra bumps of it all night long to keep my insides numb while I played.
I dumped the entire small baggie of powder out on top of the magazine then quickly got up to lock the closet door.
“Fuck! My stomach won’t stop hurting.” Darius shouted from outside the bathroom which meant he was standing in our room heading back inside to shit again.
He must have eaten milk and cookies knowing it messes up his stomach, I thought to myself in disgust. I settled back on the floor in front of the magazine and grabbed an old dollar bill and an old credit card that I kept inside of the worn Nike box. Quickly I created thick long lines of powder then rolled up the dollar bill precisely. I leaned in, careful not to exhale and blow the substance away.
With the dollar bill halfway inside of my nose, I pressed down on my right nostril and sniffed deeply. The rush hit me before I could take on the second line. I sat up for a couple of seconds, took some of the powder and rubbed it back in forth on my lower gums then leaned back in for the second and third line. I tilted my head back and swallowed down the taste that I grown addicted too.
My mouth went numb as I looked up at the ceiling with a satisfied smirk covering my face. My pain dulled. The sharp edge of betrayal got softer, and the best part about it was my tears stopped as my body started to hum.
“Fuck his bitch ass.” I said louder than what I should have but didn’t give a damn.
The void that Darius was trying to force upon me didn’t feel like it was swallowing me whole anymore. For the moment, I didn’t feel like the woman who got played by a man who had twins on the way. I wasn’t the woman made of trauma since thirteen, heartbreak, and loneliness. I didn’t feel like anything, just air.
I waited for that unstoppable feeling to come. The feeling where I felt like a bad bitch that Darius should have felt blessedto have. I went into the other shoe and made sure to get the extra baggie that I would take bumps of on the way to work to prevent my mental from crashing whenever I came down from the high, I currently felt in the moment. I made sure to put everything back with perfect precision and left back out of the closet.
I dressed for the club while Darius pussy ass stayed tucked in the bathroom. As I grabbed my violin case, he came out of the bathroom not even looking my way.
“Fucking coward.” I mumbled loud enough for him to hear me.
