“Where are we?”
“Back of the garden house,” said Aspen, and she opened a metal door for me to step through. We emerged into a familiar space, the sitting area with the walls lined with books. Still partially dazed, I stared around the room and back at the metal door. I now remembered how curious I’d been when I’d first seen it. Some part of me must have known where it led.
“Okay,” Aspen said. “One more time. Tell me what you’re going to do.”
I recited my instructions. “I’m supposed to go to Finn’s cabana and tell him I was attacked by a strange man. I will continue to be Robin, but I’m going to spend all of my time andenergy trying to remember the code and what happened to Charles.”
“And you’re not going to trust anyone but us.”
I smiled at her. Not only was I not going to trust the others, I had no intention whatsoever of trusting these two. As far as I was concerned, it was every man for himself. I would try to find the code, but that was secondary to figuring out who did this to me and why. Maybe Robin was easily influenced, but Isabelle was a lot more stubborn and calculating. I could feel her rising to the surface even then.
“Pinkie swear,” I said.
We decided to leave separately so as not to attract attention. I was the last to go, and as I stepped outside into the waning dusk, the coolness of the evening air hit me like knife blades, and I remembered my face was covered in bruises and cuts.
Walking through the apothecary garden, I stared down at a collection of vividly yellow flowers, barely able to breathe. There was no Robin. Only Isabelle. Whatever else I had expected to find at Hildegard College, this was not it, and in many ways, it was too much for me to even begin to unpack. Because I was unable to process it intellectually, my body seemed intent on responding physically. I felt dizzy and like my head might explode.
Without meaning to, I sank down to the ground, my heart beating erratically. Whatever this emotion was, I didn’t want to stay in it. I wanted to return to those windswept empty hallways in my mind and feel nothing again. And then briefly, I wept. I kept the grief and self-pity to a minimum, though; I knew I couldn’t sit out in the garden curled up fetal and weeping.
At least now I knew what I didn’t know. That terrible uncertainty always gnawing at me, that feeling that something wasn’t right—at least now I knew why it was there. But even as Itried to accept this new truth, the horror of my reality began to dawn. If I wasn’t Robin Quain, then there was no escape. There was no home, nowhere to return to. Iwashome. I alreadyhadreturned.
Sadness swelled in my chest, a longing for someone to make it all better. To take the confusion away. I needed someone or something. Charles? My bluebird? And then a sudden thought—what if Charles was the one leaving me the clues? I just needed to find him, and then I would be able to figure out what to do.
I wiped my eyes and looked up at the darkening sky. In the distance, like a call to arms, a radiance of cardinals burst from a tree, tufts of red smoke. Taking a deep breath, I started out of the apothecary garden, steeling myself for the battle to come.
When I reached Finn’s cabana, I could see him sitting on his couch, drinking a beer and reading what appeared to be a book in Cyrillic. When I knocked, he invited me inside, and when he saw me, he dropped the book.
“Holy shit.”
“I’m okay,” I said, shuffling in and leaning against the back of a chair for support.
“You don’t look okay. What happened?”
“I was attacked,” I said simply.
“Oh my god. By whom?”
“Some man. I don’t know. I didn’t get a look at his face.”
“Let me get Aspen,” he said, starting for the door. “She’ll know what to do.”
I limped over to the couch, and taking a seat, I fought back tears as a wave of relief swept over me. I hadn’t realized just how terrified I’d been until I was back somewhere safe. I was shaking, a subtle tremor running the length of my body.
When Aspen appeared at the door, she did a great job offeigning surprise. She and Finn helped me back to my cabana, and soon Lexi and Dorian were there as well. Aspen brewed me some herbs on the stove while I showered, and then I drank the strange, bitter yet cloying concoction while sitting freshly bandaged on the couch, trying to answer questions without giving too much away. Whatever this new batch of herbs was, they were quite a bit stronger than what she’d given me before. The full strength of them didn’t take effect until about fifteen minutes after I’d finished the thick, dark brown tea, but when it did, I felt a pleasant numbness wash over me. The pain became a distant worry, as if it were all happening to someone else. For what it was worth, the group did a fair job of seeming concerned about the attack. Maybe some of them really did care? Or maybe they were all great liars. Finn fussed over me and Lexi patted my hand. My head fuzzy from the herbs, I smiled at them distantly, trying to remember why I’d been so upset earlier.
Dorian seemed especially distraught, several times moving as if to hug me again, but then stopping himself, seemingly embarrassed by his emotions.
“Robin,” he said, “what has happened to you today is beyond regrettable. That it could have happened on our secure campus is shameful. We have alerted the authorities about the incident, and we intend to search the premises ourselves at first light.” As he spoke, I had the distinct feeling that his words had been rehearsed, but I tried not to let my suspicion show as he continued. “Earlier today we’d been alerted that our alarm system had been breached. Finn and I went out to examine the quadrant breach out at the far northwest edge of the perimeter. That must have been when you encountered the assailant. We take this very seriously, and we intend to do everything we can to rectify the situation.”
“Thank you,” I said, rubbing my numb lips with the surface of my hand.
“I think given the circumstances, the most prudent thing would be for you to stay on at Hildegard with us a while longer,” he added as if he’d just remembered his line. I had a feeling that sentence had been on a different page, and he’d forgotten to memorize it along with the rest of his speech.
Looking around the room, I found it difficult to believe that none of these people were who I’d thought they were. Every moment I’d spent with them had been a lie. And now I had to become part of that lie. The thought of it was making my palms sweat.
“Yeah, I’d like to stay,” I said, trying to sound much more fragile than I felt. “I think that makes sense.”
Dorian couldn’t keep the surprise from registering on his face.
