Back to the silence. Back to the grumpy scowl and stare. It takes everything in me not to walk over to him and do a once-over myself before we continue this conversation. I can't help but gaze over his entire body to do a brief check and when I get to his face, I notice he is now looking at the floor.He's no longer scowling or looking like the big angry bear he had been moments before. He looks embarrassed and ashamed.
It breaks my heart to see him like this. I walk over to where he is sitting in his chair and kneel next to him trying to look at his face.
“Ollie,” he says sternly, avoiding eye contact.
I soften my voice and place my hand on his knee. “Yes?”
“Why are you here?”
“Because Cole called me.”
“Cole calls you every day.”
“Yes?”
“So why did you come running in the middle of the day?”
“Because I care about you, and you literally could have died today, Noah.”
“I didn’t.”
I want to smack him for his smart-ass comment not knowing if he is joking or genuinely still trying to convince me to leave.
“So, go home, Ollie,” he says before I have the chance to respond.
“I'm not going anywhere. You can be mad at me and hate me tomorrow orthe next day but right now you need someone to keep you from ripping that nurse's head off,” I say. “And especially not until I know for a fact that you’re okay.”
“I’m fine,” Noah replies with a raspy cough.
“Clearly,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on? Why do you want me to leave?”
He still refuses to look at me and lets out a deep sigh. My patience is starting to thin because ultimately we are adults and this is childish. Iunderstand he’s in pain and maybe embarrassed that the injury happened in the first place, but come on, let's use our big boy words and say what we mean.
“Noah.”
He sighs again, sensing my annoyance when I stand up and move away from him. “It was my first real call with the department, and I messed up and got trapped. They got me out, which is great, but not at the risk of other members of the team. Cole is the one who moved the beam so I could get out. Ollie, would you still be standing there if I made it out and he didn’t because he was saving me?” he attacks, pain lacing his voice. It comes deep from within his heart and I know this is about significantly more than just being injured and me showing up.
Jarred.
“Cole isn’t Jarred. Noah, you are alive, Cole is alive. I know you’re reliving what is one of the worst days of your life, but you also know you cannot live in the past. It's the past for a reason. Jarred wouldn’t want that, Cole doesn’t want that. Whatever happened to talking about your feelings and emotions? Because you can’t control how you feel but you can control how you react to them.” I say as carefully as possible, not wanting to send him into a downward spiral, but still hoping he’ll remember when he said it to me.
I can see his wheels turning and I know he’s remembering that day and I can’t help but wonder if the Army hardened that side of him. Does Dr. Doyle work with more than just military loss? Do they consider all aspects of a military personnel's life, past, present, and future?
“We weren’t advised to share and talk a lot about our feelings and it has been something Dr. Doyle and I have been working on over the last six months.”
Mom and Cole knock on the door as they round the corner with Dr. Armington, the local orthopedic surgeon. Dr. Armington is the surgeon who did my knee surgery in high school and I have a slight panic that this is the route we’re about to go with Noah.
“Olivia, hi, what a nice surprise!”
“Hi Dr. Armington, I hope you are well. Do you have an update on Noah’sknee?” I ask probably too quickly because I have zero patience and need to know what we’re dealing with.
Mom looks at me with a disappointed look, as if I'm being rude, but frankly, I don’t care. I need to know so we can get Noah the help he needs without risking a downward spiral. I work with EMS and first responders daily and it's critical to get all of the answers upfront so they can prepare to be out of work, and for when they’re going to come back.
“Good news! There is a mild sprain of the ACL and MCL, but surgery is not required. I recommend staying off that knee for the next two weeks entirely and starting a physical therapy program as quickly as possible. But you are looking at four to six weeks of recovery,” Dr. Armington says.
There isn’t a physical therapy clinic in Fisher Creek, and I know finding somewhere to go plus transportation has been almost impossible in the past. I place a hand on Noah’s shoulder, thank Dr. Armington, and hope they get the hint to leave.
“Why don’t we call Dr. Doyle and see if he has any emergency availability this week to check in with you? Then I will get you home and we’ll start getting everything set up for the next two weeks,” I say to Noah, already starting to pack everything up and look up Dr. Doyle’s number.
