From beside her, Henry sighed. ‘You know, this is the first time I’ve left that house and haven’t felt like I was making an escape.’
‘Feels good, doesn’t it?’ replied Peg, glancing across at him before returning her attention to the road. It was very different for her, but even she felt the same.
‘It does. We make a great team…although that should come as no surprise.’
Peg could feel Henry looking at her, and she knew without checking what his expression would tell her.
‘Go on,’ she said, smiling. ‘It’s obvious you have more to say.’ She slid him an amused glance.
‘You told me yourself what the problem was, don’t you remember? I know I’ve mentioned your issue with your fictitious downstairs bathroom before, the one I had in my “dream”, but you told me then that Adam and Sofia were unhappy. That they were finding fault with all sorts of things in their lives because they were ignoring the real problem. Are you sure you’ve never had a downstairs bathroom?’
Peg laughed. ‘I’m sure. And I still stand by what I said before. I don’t think it was me who was wise at all, more like your own subconscious working things out. You’re the wise one here.’
‘Perhaps…but I think my explanation is far more in keeping with the spirit of the season. Are you really going to deny me my miracle?’
Peg tutted, amused, but she had no answer for him. She was still very conscious that she was pushing away Henry’s fantasy. Was she ever going to stop doing that? Mim used to tell her when she was little that just because she didn’t understand something, it didn’t mean it wasn’t true. And she had to admit it certainly felt as if a miracle had taken place. Possibly even several of them.
‘In any case, I want to thank you,’ added Henry.
‘Whatever for?’
‘Oh God, Peg, where do I evenbegin?’
She dipped her head, still smiling, but still unable to find any words. She drove on. Hadn’t she recently told Sofia to make room for hope in her life? When every day Peg spenthertime making sure that she had no need of it, no need of anyone else – running away from possibility and never making it welcome? She could see hope glimmering everywhere, knowing that if life had taught her anything it was that there was always some to be found. So why did she resolutely turn her head away from it? Why did she refuse to see that Henry was her glimmer? She swallowed.
‘Before we go home, could we go for a walk? Just a little one, if you feel up to it.’
‘Peg, I feel fine…more than fine. Better than I have in a long while, so yes, of course we can.’
‘It’s just that there are too many ears at the house…’
He nodded, and she steered the car on past the green, past her cottage and up towards the church, the one Henry knew of old.
The churchyard was deserted, still and silent in the early afternoon sun, as Peg walked along the path she had trodden so many times before.
‘My daughter tells me I should talk to you,’ she said. ‘About Julian.’ She didn’t need to point out where they were standing, whose gravestone was in front of them; Henry would be only too aware.
‘Do you want to?’
‘Part of me does. The sensible part. The logical part which knows things have to move on. But my heart doesn’t make it so easy. It’s scared, you see, of what might be said. What might be invited into my life and what it might not be able to cope with.’
Henry was silent for a moment, ostensibly looking at the place where Peg’s husband was buried, but she knew he was thinking about her words. Thinking, but saying nothing.
She let the seconds tick by, her heart beginning to thump in her chest. She had started, but she had no idea how to carry on.
‘I notice you haven’t put yourself in that sentence,’ said Henry after a moment more. His eyes were gentle. ‘And I do understand why not, how hard this is.’
She gave him a quizzical look.
‘The sensible part…my heart…it’sscared…whatmightbe said. NotI’mscared, whatImight say…’ He held up his hand. ‘You’re trying to protect yourself, and I get that, I really do. I can see how hard this is for you, Peg, and the last thing I want is to make it any harder. There’s no need to share any of what you’re feeling if you don’t want to.’
Peg shook her head, harder than she intended, and took a deep breath. She needed to say this now, before it was too late, before she lost Henry as well.
‘Do you know why I like gardening so much?’ She tipped her head at him, carrying on before he could reply. ‘It’s because it’s easy with plants. You can pull them into the light, feed them, water them, show them some love and they’ll respond. But people don’t, not always. Sometimes, despite your best endeavours, despite all the love you can show them, and all thecare you can give them, they choose not to listen. And Julian was one of those people.
‘He shouldn’t have died when he did. We’re all going to die, I know that, but Julian’s death was…senseless. Unnecessary. Stupid and selfish…He was diabetic, but he absolutely refused to listen to anyone – not me, not the doctors – especially not the doctors. He said he wasn’t going to let an illness rule his life, but ironically, trying to ignore it meant that itverymuchruled his life. They call it diabetes burnout – when the relentlessness of living with it becomes too much, but I’m not sure that was the case with Julian. He barely even acknowledged he had the disease. And so over the years, his health deteriorated, rapidly towards the end, and then he had a stroke. I think you know the rest. We talk about grieving when someone dies, but I grieved for Julian when he was still alive. I had all that love and nowhere for it to go. I still do…’ She trailed off, letting the tears come. It was time to stop holding them back. ‘And so I don’t know where that leaves me when it comes to someone else. When it comes to you…’
Wordlessly, Henry took a hanky from his pocket and handed it to her. Then he simply stood beside her, and she was grateful for his reassuring presence. Grateful that he didn’t try to put words in her mouth.
