My throat tightened. “You would have me return to Ollie?”
He looked at me for a long moment, his jaw taut. “No,” he said finally. “If he is what you want, I could not speak against it. But he will be one among dozens of suitors. You are beautiful and intelligent and kind. There is no doubt in my mind that you will find someone who will love and care for you.”
I stared at him in disbelief. “After all that has passed between us, how can you say that?”
“Because I must. People are depending on me, Hannah.” He swallowed hard. “All I have ever wanted is to be loved by you. You once asked what I did with your lock of hair, and I told you I didn’t know where it had gone. But I lied.” His sentence trailed off, and he reached into his pocket and pulled out a lock of hair. The fine strands were light and curly, and the little bundle was tied together with a green silk ribbon. He absently fingered the hair, a self-soothing motion that was likely born out of years of habit. And when he looked at me again, his eyes welled with tears. “I have loved you my whole life.” His chin trembled. “I willalwayslove you.”
He loved me.
I’d waited my whole life to hear those words. They meant everything and yet held no meaning; he loved me, and I loved him, but no matter our affection, we could never be together—not if Summerhaven was to endure. Tears clouded my vision, and I dropped my gaze to the floor so he would not see my swell of emotion.
“Please try to understand.” His voice broke. “I don’t want this separation, but I have no choice.”
“There isalwaysa choice,” I whispered. There had to be.
“You have no idea how much I wish that were true.” He reached out as if to touch my cheek.
I shook my head. “Goodbye, my lord.” I dipped into a shallow curtsy and fled the room.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I had no desire torise from bed the next morning, but today was my dress fitting at the modiste. Still, I was careful to leave my bedchamber only when Lady Winfield would already have risen and there was no chance that I might find myself alone with either Damon or Ollie.
Breakfast was served informally in the morning room, and I was relieved that all the Jennings men had already come and gone. Though I had no appetite, I picked at breakfast, forcing myself to eat a few bites of toast and a little fruit.
A few hours later, Lady Winfield and I settled into the carriage. “Are you excited to see your dress?” she asked as we started toward town.
“I am,” I admitted, though I was a bit nervous too. I had felt brave when I’d chosen the bright poppy-colored fabric, but I was feeling decidedly less so now. Even if I didn’t like my new dress, Lady Winfield had been so generous to purchase it for me, so I would have to wear it to the Garretts’ ball.
My nausea began only a few minutes into our ride, and I longed for one of Damon’s ginger candies.
When at last we reached town, I alighted from the carriage, and thankfully, as we walked to the modiste, my stomach settled.
A bell rang overhead as we entered.
“Welcome,” the modiste greeted in her thick French accent, then she led us to the back of the shop where my dress hung.
I gasped when I saw it. “It is beautiful. Thank you.”
“You should not thank me until you’ve tried it on, miss.” She led me into a small room in the back of the shop, and a maid helped me changed into the gown. I stared at myself in the mirrors, smoothing the soft silk below the stylishly high empire waist. The dress had small puff sleeves that capped my shoulders, and intricate trim lined the bodice. It was the most elegant dress I’d ever worn, but it was difficult to muster enthusiasm. When I’d selected this bright fabric, I’d done so because I had wanted Ollie to think of marriage, but now the only person I wished would look my way was Damon. He couldn’t. And even if he did, it would only make things harder.
I followed the maid back to the front of the shop to show Lady Winfield and to be fitted by the modiste.
“Oh, Hannah,” Lady Winfield said when I walked out. “It is even lovelier on you than I imagined.”
I studied my reflection. “Do you really think so?”
She nodded. “Oh yes, my dear. It brings out your complexion so nicely. Truly, it is gorgeous. You were right to trust your instincts.”
Her words sounded just like something Mama would have said, and I tried to take comfort in Lady Winfield’s compliment. But in truth, there was a part of me that wished I’d chosen a creamy white fabric for my new ball gown so I could blend in with the crowd of other young ladies at the Garretts’ ball instead of standing out.
The modiste made note of several alterations, then pinned parts of the dress that needed to be taken in. When she was finished, I changed back into my green dress.
“Do you really like it?” Lady Winfield asked when we exited the shop.
“I do. Thank you for your kindness and generosity,” I said, and I meant it too, but when I attempted a smile, the expression felt false.
“The pleasure is all mine,” Lady Winfield said. “You have no idea how often I have longed for a daughter to dress and spoil. But . . . I must admit, you seem a bit out of countenance today. Are you all right, my dear?”
