“I’m sorry about last night,” he said. “I was surprised that you felt like that about us. You haven’t said any of that before.”
He passed her the plate and she took a bite of eggs and toast so that she had a few seconds to decide what to say.
“I didn’t mean it the way it came out,” she said eventually, trying to find exactly the right words so that they could avoid another argument. “I love you but I’m not ready for that next step yet. You’ve got your career that you love and I know you have to work hard but you enjoy it and if you didn’t you wouldn’t put in so many hours. I don’t begrudge you that, I think you’re really lucky. But if we settle down and have kids now I will feel like I missed out on having a chance thatmycareer could be amazing too.”
“It just sounded last night that if you take the job it means you want to take a break from us.”
“I didn't mean it to sound like that. I didn’t mean we should literally break up but it will be a break from each other and maybe it will be a chance for us to realise that we miss each other and hopefully we’ll be wishing we’re together while we’re apart.” She took a mouthful of the scrambled egg before she carried on, “It sounds weird, but I’m looking forward to it.”
“Well, I can’t say I’m looking forward to it, coming home to an empty house won’t be much fun and the weekends will be rubbish,” he mumbled with his mouth full.
“Adam, I come home to an empty house almost every night! Some weeks you just come home to sleep.”
“You know what I mean,” he said giving her a playful shove. “Youwillmiss me you know.” He put his tea down and leaned with one elbow propped on the pillows while he looked at Rachel. “I know I work long hours but if I don’t, there are plenty of people who would happily work that many hours, do just as good a job as I can and probably for less money. Just because I’m head of the department it doesn't mean I can take it easy.”
“I know. I just wish you were around more so we can spend more time together. I miss how it used to be.”
She affectionately rubbed his stubbly jaw with her hand.
“It won’t necessarily be like this forever. Work, I mean. It’s just a particularly bad time. It can be great too and those times make up for the stress and the long hours.”
“I want to take the promotion because I think then things could be great for me too. I think it will be amazing, but I need you to think it’s okay too. What do you think? Really.”
“Of course I think you should take it.” He took her hand and looked at her, his eyes full of sincerity. “Just come back to me.”
4
ON MONDAY MORNING Rachel got to work slightly earlier than usual, despite leaving the loft at her normal time. She had found herself inadvertently powerwalking in anticipation of accepting the job offer but when she arrived, Luisa wasn’t in her office. Rachel had butterflies in her stomach, desperate to let her know what she’d decided. She turned her computer on, went to make a coffee and saw Luisa coming through the door on her way back.
“Morning Rachel, would you be an angel and make me a coffee too and then we can have a chat.”
Rachel took both coffees into Luisa’s office and perched on the edge of the chair,
“Oh, thanks, that’s great,” Luisa said, sliding one of the coffees over the desk towards her. “I thought I’d never get out of the house today. I left Phil to it in the end. Anyway, first things first. Have you had a chance to think about the job?”
“I haven’t thought about anything else. I’d love to take it.”
“That’s fantastic, Rachel! I can’t tell you how relieved I am! Congratulations!” She came around the desk, hugged Rachel and kissed her on both cheeks. “And Adam was okay with it?”
Rachel shrugged. “We talked it through. He’s really pleased for me.”
“Right. Say no more. I can still remember Phil’s face the first time I told him I had to go away for more than a couple of days. For some reason it was always a foregone conclusion that if he had to go away there would be no problem, no need for a discussion, even. Equality still has some way to go, Rachel.”
*
Ten days. That’s how long she had before leaving for Reykjavik. There was so much to think about and organise for work, that Rachel hadn’t had time to think about what she would have to sort out for herself before she left. All she had so far was a Reykjavik guidebook that Adam had bought her when they’d gone to Foyles on Sunday, and her project folder.
Googling ‘Reykjavik weather February’ completely freaked her out; it was typically minus three degrees Celsius and very likely to be snowy and she had no clothes for that kind of climate. Her winter coat was a vintage wool tweed, entirely unsuitable for getting snowed on, so after work, she dragged herself out to buy Iceland appropriate clothes. Ideally, she wanted to get everything from one shop but being an outdoor shop virgin, she had no idea where to start. Uniqlo definitely sold cosy down coats and thermals so that was where she started. For the essentials like waterproof trousers and snow boots, she had to bite the bullet and go into an actual outdoor clothing shop which made her feel like an imposter.
A couple of hours later, it had been a complete success. Rachel dragged herself home with her many well-stuffed bags, wondering how she was going to pack such bulky clothing into her case.
Adam was working on his laptop at the breakfast bar when she walked into the loft.
“Is pasta bake okay for tea?” he asked, barely looking up from the screen as Rachel went over, draped her arms around him and kissed him.
“Yeah, great. Can I show you my haul?” She nibbled his ear until he turned to kiss her back.
“Go on then. Give me a fashion show.”
