“We have been doing okay, I suppose I think a change wouldn’t hurt,” she added more softly.
“Change? What doesthatmean?”
Rachel could tell by Adam’s tone, by the way he almost spat out the words, that they were in danger of veering into a serious argument.
“It just means that the way things are at the moment can’t be how things are forever. I’m not going to be a wife who does a day’s work and then sits at home waiting for you alone.” Like I do now, she was tempted to add. “Or puts the kids to bed before you get home, while your life stays exactly the way you want it.”
She was momentarily surprised by how easily her vision of their future spilt out. These things which had been almost subconscious thoughts until now.
Adam sloshed the last of the wine into his glass, downed it in a couple of gulps and stood up.
“I thought we were in a relationship that we both wanted. I thought we had a future together and now you’re fucking off to Iceland. There’s no need to pretend it’s going to improve our relationship. If I’ve been holding you back, Rachel, feel free to go.”
He walked over to the stairs and headed up to the bedroom.
Rachel finished her meal alone. She’d chosen the wrong moment. He was tired, having trouble at work and she should have waited. But why? She didn’t need his permission. But she wanted his blessing and she wanted to share the excitement and triumph of her achievement with someone who could be truly happy for her.
Rachel blinked back the tears. She wasn’t upset so much as angry and frustrated. If it had been the other way around she liked to think she would have been pleased for him and excited because he was excited. Maybe if she hadn’t brought up that she thought a change might be good for them, they could have left things with him being pleased for her. It was her fault that things had come to this. She was terrible at sensing when she was winning an argument and leaving it alone at the right time.
She sat on the sofa, mindlessly watching the television, more resolved than ever to take the job. The regret she knew she would feel if she passed on the opportunity was almost tangible and she also knew she would always blame Adam if she let that happen.
The job was hers and she couldn’t wait to get to work on Monday and accept it.
3
THE NEXT MORNING Rachel woke up first. It was Saturday, thank goodness. Adam was sound asleep still, making little snoring noises. She was glad that he wasn’t awake yet; she wasn’t quite ready for another confrontation, unsure whether he would be ready to make up or if it would be another argument, so she quietly gathered her clothes and went downstairs to get dressed. After a quick cup of tea, she grabbed her swimming kit and headed to the pool.
There was a beautiful old Victorian pool in Shoreditch where she loved to go. It was never very busy, probably because there were more modern places to swim but it was so atmospheric. The white tiles which lined the pool were crazed with age and there were individual changing cubicles with colourful curtains all around the poolside which made Rachel feel like she had been transported back in time.
She entered the water down the steps which were built into the corner of the pool and made for a much more elegant entrance than having to climb backwards down a ladder. It was cold but refreshing and she knew she’d warm up once she’d done a couple of lengths.
Gliding into her first length of breaststroke, Rachel let the water wash over her head and felt instantly better. Swimming was her thinking time and letting her thoughts wander often helped put things into perspective. This morning she felt she really needed that.
When she’d found out about the promotion, she’d expected it to go down badly with Adam which was why she’d gone to the effort of cooking his favourite meal. He had barely noticed; he was so caught up in his own life and never factored her in in the way that she did for him. Simply moving in together hadn’t turned them into a unit, a proper couple in the way she’d expected it to, so it shouldn’t have been a shock to her that he could only see the impact on himself of her being away rather than seeing the opportunity it was for her. She’d never dared to hope that she would have a chance like Luisa was offering her now and perhaps Adam had never considered that either. In the same time period, Adam’s career had been on a steep upward trajectory and he never asked her what she thought before taking every opportunity that came his way.
It was what she wanted and she was going to go for it. This was her chance. She wasn’t going to be swayed by Adam’s opinion but what she really wanted was for him to be ready to apologise when she got home after her swim for the way he’d behaved the night before.
When she got back to the loft Adam was still in bed. She made mugs of tea and took them upstairs. Putting the tea down, she undressed and snuggled back under the duvet. Knowing that she was going to have to be the one to make the first move, even though she strongly felt Adam ought to apologise first, she scooched up to him. His back was facing her, he was still asleep. She wrapped her arm around his chest and nestled into his neck. He stirred slightly and took her hand in his.
They lay for a couple of minutes like that, then she whispered, “There’s a cup of tea here for you.”
“Mmm, thanks.”
His voice was full of sleep but he turned around to face her and put his arms around her, finding her lips before he had even opened his eyes.
“Sorry about yesterday,” she said, hoping that taking the first step might nudge Adam into apologising too. He needed to say sorry for storming off in the middle of dinner and sulking all night if nothing else.
“S’okay.” He kissed her again and then pulled her closer towards him, nuzzling into her neck. The fact that he’d accepted her apology without acknowledging his part in the argument rankled for second but she knew she had to let it go unless she wanted to spend the rest of the weekend with the equivalent of a sulky teenager.
“Love you, Rach,” he said softly into her hair as he kissed her more and more urgently. She chose to believe that was his apology.
*
The tea had gone cold but Adam volunteered to make a new pot while Rachel lazed in bed snoozing and when he came back he also brought scrambled eggs on toast, his breakfast speciality.
“Breakfast is served!” he said, putting the tray down on the foot of the bed and managing to get back in without tipping it up.
He reached down and slid the tray up so that it rested in between them. They propped themselves up with some of the pillow collection Rachel liked to have on the bed and which Adam hated. She was tempted to mention how useful they were in this instance but decided against it to keep the peace.
