I focus on the ice cream in my hand, doing my best to accept his compliments right now. We sit so closely that anyone passing by would think we are a romantic couple, and the more the day goes on, I confess to having imagined a few times that we are.
‘Ah, I’m just the same as everyone else, really,’ I say, as usual trying to play down any compliment that comes my way. ‘I’m just playing the cards I was dealt with and I try and make the best of it. None of us knows what’s around the corner, which is probably a good thing.’
I look at him shyly, feeling the warmth of his arm by my side, at ease with his presence. I’ve had it rough in life, yes, but so has Aidan. We are two wounded soldiers, wading in waters so troubled for all our lives that it’s become all we are used to, each of us searching for a love we’ve not yet found.
I wanted my mother’s love so badly, but she wasn’t ableto give it as she battled with her demonic addiction. I wanted the passion and love of my husband that he promised in the beginning, but he drip-fed me poison and scarred me for life with his bullying and abuse.
The only love I’ve ever fully trusted is Mabel’s as she had no ulterior motive and I could be myself without apology or any expectation in return. And of course I feel loved by Ben and I love him unconditionally in the fierce, maternal way that means I’d quite literally die for him.
Love is a cluster of many things, but being here with Aidan today is frightening me into thinking that after spending so much time with him over the past few months, I may be growing close to him. And for that very reason, I need to be extra careful. There’s no way I’m going to set myself up for a mighty fall, by letting my guard down to a man again, especially not a married man. No way.
‘So, do you think we’ve achieved whatever Mabel intended by asking us to come here?’ Aidan asks me just as I think we’ve seen all there is to see in Breena. ‘She did mention we visit a bar called Sullivan’s, so we should probably do that before we call it a day.’
I don’t want to say it to Aidan, but I’ve a feeling that Mabel’s mission for us here today isn’t quite fulfilled yet. I know it has certainly brought us closer together and has been fun and carefree, plus it’s been a lovely way to remember his dad and uncle, but could there be something more?
‘She did, that’s right,’ I recall, wondering if we’d passed it at all as we explored the town’s cobbled streets. ‘OK, let’s finish off the day by going there just like Mabel said to. I’m kind of hoping they serve food too. Are you hungry?’
‘You have the most amazing way of reading my mind, Roisin O’Connor,’ he says, flashing me one of his heart-stopping smiles. ‘I’m starving. Let’s go there and see.’
We walk along side by side on the final chapter of our journey with a spring in our step. I sense for a moment that Aidan is going to take my hand, but he doesn’t.
I don’t think either of us really want this day to end just yet.
22.
I’d imagined Sullivan’s Bar to be a typical cosy Irish pub, but instead we are met with a rather chic, family-run establishment decorated in cool, modern grey tones, dark wooden tables, and a tempting chalkboard gin menu.
‘Welcome to Sullivan’s. A table for two?’ asks a young lady who greets us the moment we step inside. The smell of fresh fish and chips makes my mouth water and loud Celtic music fills the air. The venue certainly takes us both by surprise and was definitely not what I expected.
‘Yes, please,’ Aidan replies, as we follow the waitress past bustling tables packed with young couples and families, all immersed in noisy conversation.
She shows us through to a separate, much quieter area where the ambience is more relaxed and spacious and I can see the relief on Aidan’s face already.
‘We’re so busy all day,’ the young lady tells us, ‘so I’m afraid this is all the space we’ve got here in the bar. Is this OK for you?’
We both nod emphatically, delighted to be seated in the more traditional end of the establishment, which is more along the lines of what I expected. Cosy snugs instead of high tables, and music that feels much more like an underscore than a soundtrack.
She hands us two giant menus and I realize I’m a lot hungrier than I thought I was.
‘Ah look, Ben’s favourite is on the menu,’ says Aidan, pointing out a basket of scampi to me. ‘He could live on that every day, he told me.’
My heart warms at how well Aidan knows my son by now. They’ve had many adventures together over the past few months, mainly beach related where they’d head off and kick a ball on the sand, or talk tactics from Aidan’s Gaelic football days when he was just a boy living here.
‘It’s going to break his heart when you leave in the summer,’ I say to Aidan, but I instantly regret it when I see how his face falls.
‘Let’s not talk about that right now,’ he replies. ‘I don’t want to even think about it. So what do you fancy to eat? I’m starving!’
I can feel Aidan’s eyes follow mine from across the table as I scan down a delicious selection of home-cooked dishes, squinting my eyes as I try to find something that suits my inner conditioned budget.
‘Let me treat you,’ he says and when I look up at him, he’s all smiles. ‘You’ve no idea how much it means to methat you’ve come here with me today, Roisin. So, what do you fancy? Steak? I remember you saying it was your favourite.’
I have another look and my taste buds tingle at the very idea of my favourite dish, one I don’t get the opportunity to sample very often as I’ve always sacrificed my own choices to make sure Ben gets the best I can afford.
‘Sounds amazing,’ I tell him, and before I know it, we’re tucking into the most magnificent feast, washed down with a delicious glass of Merlot, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so content with anyone in my whole life before.
‘Don’t beat yourself up for feeling some relief and happiness when it comes,’I remember Mabel pleading with me before she died.‘You’ve been beaten up enough in life, Roisin. You can be happy now. Let him go. Let all the hurt of the past go and enjoy the good times ahead.’
Being with Aidan has made me realize just how much meeting a kindred soul can make all the difference in good times and bad times. He is the opposite of anything I’ve ever known, and I can feel my heart squeeze in pain every time I think of him leaving. The way he looks at me so tenderly, the way we make each other laugh, and the sense of safety I get when he’s around is undeniable, but I know I’m potentially walking into uncharted territory.
