We both hold each other’s gaze, breathing in synchronized harmony as a veil of tension hangs in the air between us.
‘The other person should be someone who grounds you,’ he says eventually, his eyes hypnotizing me now like never before, as if he’s cleared a fog between us and is ready toshow his true colours at last. ‘He or she should be someone who soothes you, someone who you want to run to for comfort and who you can comfort in return, and they should be someone who you think about first thing in the morning and last thing at night in the best way. Someone you want to share your best and worst moments with.’
He stops.
‘I’m afraid that’s the best I can do in my attempt at a million-dollar answer,’ he whispers, and I feel like the world has stopped spinning around us.
His arm brushes against mine and the touch of his skin sends a tingle right through me that I try to ignore.
Someone like you, I almost hear him say, and a wave of panic washes over me once more.
‘That was … that was a pretty good effort,’ I say, my voice croaking as the familiarity of all he just said sinks in to my mind.
I can’t deny how comforted I’ve felt by Aidan’s presence today. Being in his company alone like this has soothed me. He has made me feel at ease, and I feel we’re growing closer every time we talk to each other with honesty and trust, almost as if we’re exposed now to the truth.
‘I think it’s time we started exploring this beautiful place, like we were instructed to,’ I suggest to him. ‘Or else we’ll have the wrath of Mabel to deal with, from wherever she is right now. What do you think?’
I stand up quickly to try to shake off the intensity betweenus and the acceptance that some sort of attraction or at least a connection is bubbling just beneath the surface of denial, threatening to burst through.
‘Yes,’ he says, taking a deep breath and looking to the heavens with his beautiful eyes. ‘That’s probably a good idea. Let’s see what sort of magic Breena has to offer once and for all.’
We stroll casually along Breena’s little pier, imagining we are following in the Murphy brothers’ footsteps where colourful pleasure boats and fishing boats bob along under the afternoon sunshine. It really is like a living history, with every inch of the place we explore, and I feel like I’m in a different world from the one we are used to in Ballybray.
This was where Peter Murphy hung out before he even met Mabel. This was where Danny, Aidan’s dad, spent his summers long, long before he met Aidan’s mother. It’s like stepping back in time, to an era that is long before our own and it’s special on so many levels, but most of all to Aidan, who has lightened up so much now that we’ve shared our deepest secrets of our past and present.
And I feel lighter too.
Maybe it’s the company I’m in, maybe it’s because we’ve normally Ben to distract us or entertain us in equal measure when we spend time together, but today it’s just the two of us to focus on all the things we’ve wanted to say for so long. I feel so liberated and free to just be Roisin and nota mother or a widow or an ex foster kid or a victim. I am ‘me’ and with Aidan I feel I still have something to give, be it a shoulder or companionship or friendship, sharing this gorgeous new place where his father once spent such happy times.
A tourist information board tells us that the settlement in the local area of Breena is believed to go back as far as 6000BC, which explains the almost medieval feel to the town, a treasure trove which is quite hidden, nestled under the green cushioned hills of Glencoy, one of the nine Glens of Antrim.
We drink more coffee as we casually stroll around, we people-watch as much as we can, and we hoke through a thrift shop where I try on a pair of denim flared jeans that I can’t resist buying, while Aidan finds a scarf almost identical to one his uncle Peter used to wear, which makes me howl with laughter when he tries it on.
‘You look like Popeye the sailor man!’ I tell him, and he agrees, and buys it anyway ‘for the craic’.
We relax, we chat more and, as we look around us, we try to imagine what those two young men from Ballybray might have got up to here in Breena in their spare time all those years ago.
‘Do you feel closer to your dad having come here?’ I ask Aidan after a glorious afternoon of doing very little, simply walking around and taking in the scenery, shops and stunning location. ‘I can feel a presence of some sort even thoughI never knew them, but some people would call me batty for saying such things.’
We sit down on a little bench along the sea front to eat an ice cream, the light breeze in our hair and a rosy glow on our faces.
‘I believe in that wholeheartedly,’ he tells me as we sit contentedly side by side, watching as gulls feast on scraps and gather in clusters around our feet again. ‘I think it was important for me to do this, just to acknowledge within myself that my dad and Peter are both reunited somewhere now, and have hopefully finally put their past behind them.’
‘That’s nice.’
‘I can just imagine them sauntering around here, laughing and joking and probably checking out the local girls of course,’ he says. ‘They were so close, my grandmother said. Isn’t it funny how two people who really love each other can still cause each other such unnecessary pain?’
I pause.
‘I don’t think love should cause us pain,’ I whisper. ‘I think love should be the very opposite, don’t you?’
I think of my mother when I say that. I think of how much I also tried and failed to convince Jude that I was worth his love, more than his temper and fist. I’d given up on ever knowing anything else until I found the maternal love I had from Mabel. Being with Aidan is easy and so effortless lately, like I’ve found a kindred spirit who accepts me just as I am with no games, no fuss, and no fear whatsoever. He has beensuch a comfort to me, and I know I’ve been the same to him too, even if we never admit it.
‘I can see the hurt in your eyes every day, Roisin,’ he tells me as we watch a little red boat calledBold Ventureset sail. ‘But I also see an inner strength that completely blows me away.’
‘Really?’
‘God, yes,’ he says. ‘I really mean that. To have come through all you have and to still look at the world in such a positive light is something rare. It’s something that impresses me every single moment we spend together.’
