It makes us both laugh even though we really shouldn’t.
‘I knew Mabel built me up to be some hotshot property developer with a beauty queen wife who was just about to announce any day the pitter patter of tiny feet and the next generation of the marvellous Murphy boys,’ he says.
‘She sure did,’ I tell him with a playful smile. ‘But Mabelknew you loved her, Aidan. She never once spoke ill of you, no matter what was going on between the two of you. She knew you loved her and she really did love you. She wouldn’t have left us both these wonderful messages if she didn’t.’
We stare across at the picnickers again.
‘So much for happy families,’ he laughs. ‘Someone’s in trouble.’
The stressed-out mum is now packing up with a vengeance, one of the little girls is crying, and the dad is opening the boot, ready to make their big escape.
‘I don’t think anyone has it worked out perfectly,’ I suggest to him. ‘Not even those who appear to have it all. We’re all just finding our way, really, aren’t we? We’re all just doing our best.’
I feel his eyes on me and I can see his chest move up and down as he breathes. Our eyes lock and he smiles and for a second I think he is going to reach out and touch me. I can almost feel his touch and his energy that radiates between us and lingers in the air.
I feel palpitations and my breath shortens as claustrophobia and panic engulf me. I can’t take this any further. He’s a married man who is taking a break to sort out his life. He’s raw, he’s vulnerable and so am I despite my outer bravado. My hands shake and a fine blanket of perspiration washes over me.
‘Yes, we’re all just trying to find our way,’ I agree, trying to brush off any further analysis of what has really beenhappening between us lately. ‘We are close, just as Mabel would have wanted us to be.’
He looks out of the windscreen as the happy family drive off.
‘Yes, I suppose that’s it,’ he tells me, trying to reassure us both that the underlying tension between us isn’t as scary as it seems, but the truth is so much more than that. There is an undeniable pull between us and it’s ramping up by the minute and by the hour of every day we spend together. I can’t set myself up for this fall and I don’t want to see Aidan hurt either, plus I’d be going against every moral I’ve ever held if I gave in to falling for another woman’s husband.
‘Would you mind if I jumped out just to stretch my legs?’ I ask him, totally breaking the mood just as I intend to. ‘I think I could be doing with a bit of fresh air.’
‘Sure thing,’ he says, a little relieved, I think. ‘In fact, I might just need the same.’
I climb out of the car, glad to feel a breeze on my face and my lungs fill up again, which instantly calms me down, but what Aidan has to say next is set to make my pulse race again as he closes the car door behind him.
‘My marriage is over, Roisin,’ he tells me from where he stands just a few feet away. ‘I can say it out loud at last that it’s over and it has been from the moment I decided to stay here. I feel free from the clutches of the Bowen family at last. Well, almost. I’ll need to go back there and make it all final, but I’ve a plan in place and it feels good.’
I feel a trickle of sweat form on my brow and my heart palpitates as I watch him smile at his new pledge of freedom. He snatches a glance my way and I try not to reciprocate as a wave of trepidation ripples through me. Knowing he was married, even if his marriage was in trouble, was like a safety barrier between us. But now?
Well, this changes everything, and it scares me so.
21.
By the time we get closer to the village of Breena, a harbour town located not far from the famous Glens of Antrim overlooking the Irish Sea, we’ve well recovered from Aidan’s revelation, not to mention our moment of discomfort beforehand, and we’ve covered a lot more about our past lives, loves, and fears.
It’s funny how riding in a car with someone on any sort of a lengthy journey can spark off the deepest of conversations. The hum of the road, the faint company of the music, and the carefree ways of being out of your own environment can often lead to some pretty interesting chat. I’ve always found it happens with Ben too. There’s nothing like a road trip to loosen the conversation cogs and get two people really talking and, although I’m nervous, I find myself talking about how I wished I’d had the courage to leave my marriage to the one person who almost ruined me – Jude.
‘I was too afraid, so I really admire your decision,’ I say to Aidan, now that he has opened up about his own maritalsituation. ‘I just couldn’t bring myself to take that step even though I was screaming inside to escape.’
‘That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling, Roisin,’ he says, with such animation. ‘I was putting on a front – an act, and I couldn’t keep it going any longer.’
It’s as though we’ve both released a valve of admission and relief where we can’t say enough about how good it feels to be free.
‘I lived in such denial, walking on eggshells around someone who I can see now was controlling my every move,’ I confess to Aidan. ‘He was like a ticking time bomb, always ready to explode, and it took me a long time to recover from the emotional damage he caused me. Mabel played a big part in helping me move on from it all. I’ll never forget her for that.’
Telling Aidan about my marriage is like ripping open a book from the past, tearing through well-fingered pages, wearing them out all over again and reading aloud a story that is normally so painful to tell, but with him lending me his ear it seems so much easier.
‘My husband, Jude, told me he was my saviour after my very turbulent childhood where I longed for my mother to stay sober enough to love me,’ I tell him, trying to ignore the lump that has formed in my throat as my past threatens to choke me again. ‘She did her best, that’s what I’ve been told to tell myself. She could only ever do her best.’
Aidan listens without judgement and only ever asksquestions when he thinks they’re the type I’m comfortable with giving an answer to. He knows when to prod, when I want to open up more, and he knows when to pull back and let me leave out parts of my life with no big analysis or explanation.
‘Roisin, I’d never have guessed that about you at all,’ he says, his strong arms steering us along the road to Breena. ‘You always appear to have it all so together. Tell me your secret.’
He laughs a little, knowing of course there is no secret.
