‘If you ask me that again I’m going to be very cross with you, lady,’ warns Camille. ‘Look at those two. Do you think Ben is going to cause me any extra trouble? They’re like two peas in a pod and I think Paddy might be even moreexcited to have another member of the team. Plus, the weather is perfect for camping today! How are you feeling?’
‘Really good, thanks. Today is all about Aidan so I’m just going with the flow and I’ll be happy to keep him company,’ I tell my boss, who over the years has become a very close confidante and a real tower of strength to me. ‘I just want to do as Mabel tells us and see where it leads to.’
I say my goodbyes to Ben, warning him to remember his manners and most importantly to have fun and stay safe, then with a final hug for Camille, I leave Truly Vintage and set off home where Aidan is ready and waiting for our day away.
I don’t know if I’m more nervous or excited, but when I see Aidan pack up the car in the distance, my jitters calm down and I want to get on the road as soon as possible.
Now, as Aidan holds the car door open for me and I climb inside its cool, cream leather interior, I remind myself that I’m simply going on a day trip to a place that means a lot to a very dear friend, even if it’s in a way he hasn’t discovered yet. He sits in the driver’s seat beside me, starts up the engine and I put my head back on the head rest and look over at him.
‘You OK?’ he asks me, patting my hand gently.
Everything in Aidan’s world always begins with asking me if I’m OK, and I’m slowly getting used to it.
‘I’m really good,’ I tell him. ‘I’m beginning to relax at last. I’m looking forward to today.’
‘So am I,’ he replies. ‘It will be nice to have a change of scenery. As much as I’ve enjoyed my downtime and walking on the beach, some nice food and a stroll around a different place sounds nice.’
We cruise along the road out of Ballybray, heading east and hugging or at least skimming the northern Irish coastline on any given opportunity, and the route, which will take just over two and a half hours in total, will take us through many picturesque towns and villages that I’ve never heard of.
Aidan’s music playlist is made up of a variety of artists, from classics by Prince and Fleetwood Mac to some ‘Irish Trad’ to set the mood of our road trip, and some rock legends like AC/DC to keep us on our toes. It’s a spectacular spring day outside and we pass lush green fields with sheep and lambs, towns bustling with shoppers, along country roads and dual carriageways on our journey to visit the place where his father and uncle spent their young years together in happiness.
Driving along like this on a sunny day brings me back to childhood trips to the beach with my own grandparents when I was very, very young and I’m shocked as the memory comes flooding back to me. I taste cold, juicy strawberries and cream, I feel the light breeze on my face and the sun on my skin and I hear my grandfather’s country music on the radio as I sat in the back seat, my bare legs swinging along in time to the beat.
I’m brought back to happy memories I’d long buried, and having them come to life like this sparks a sense of contentment that has for too long been masked by all the pain of my past. Being with Aidan has had this effect on me, I realize. It’s like years of darkness that have taken over my mind have been pierced with little speckles of lighter moments that are now being brought back to life.
‘So what are you expecting from this trip?’ I ask him, checking my lipstick in the mirror on the sunshade of his car as we cruise along. ‘Is there anything you specifically hope to gain, or are you just letting Mabel guide the way like I am?’
He changes gear as he comes to a junction and I can’t help but notice his arms as he does so, a sight which makes me lose my breath a little.
I’ve become so used to being so close to him in many ways, but sitting here up high in his Mercedes 4x4 feels a bit more intimate than usual.
‘I dunno, I guess I’m excited about seeing the place my dad and uncle spent their summers in before I came along,’ Aidan tells me, reminding me of the roots of our trip. ‘My uncle Peter was a role model to me ever since I lost my parents and even though I know he and my dad didn’t see eye to eye in their last while as brothers, I always knew that if I followed Peter’s advice, I’d never go wrong. He was a good guy, and Mabel was a fine lady, so I’m easy and open to whatever today brings.’
‘Great,’ I tell him, not expecting him to divulge any further, but as the spring sunshine beams through the windscreen, Aidan hasn’t finished answering my question just yet.
‘He made me promise when I told him I was marrying Rachel that I wouldn’t make a mess of it, and that I’d treat her well,’ he tells me, as he remembers a conversation from days gone by. ‘But I know now that he just wanted me to realize that as far as he believed, marriage was for life and as the vows say, till death do us part. He didn’t want me to make a mistake and marry the wrong person. He told me he wanted me to love my wife the way he loved Mabel, and I have to be honest, I lied to him. I said that I did, but I knew that wasn’t true.’
I almost choke on my reply. He mentions Rachel so rarely, that every time he does bring up her name my heart stops.
‘Aidan, you don’t have to compare your love for your wife with someone else’s relationship,’ I say, trying to ease the pain of his admission, ‘and at the same time, you certainly don’t have to stay with someone for the rest of your life if you really feel you’ve made a mistake.’
I’m taken aback at how he has divulged this to me, but now that he’s started he doesn’t seem to want to stop.
He pulls in to a lay-by where a family is having a picnic in the morning sunshine, puts down his window and leans back in his seat, thankful, it seems, to take a quick break from driving.
I feel sticky and sweaty beside him, so I put my window down too and push my sunglasses up onto my head.
‘That’s all I ever really wanted most in life, just right there,’ he says, nodding his head towards the mum, dad and two little daughters who are battling against a light breeze to keep their food from blowing away. ‘I yearned for what I never had – a family of my own. Don’t get me wrong, I also want the high-flying successful job I’ve worked my ass off to find, but I always thought I’d have a family unit to go along with it. I suppose you could say I wanted it all, but then, what’s the point in aiming for anything in life if you don’t aim high?’
I take a deep breath. There’s so much of what he is saying that resonates with me. All my life I felt like I was looking in through a window where everything was so much better on the other side. People with nice steady lifestyles, mothers and fathers who loved each other as well as loving their children, no worries about where you were going to live next or what might be coming to trip you up. It was all I ever wanted too, but instead I was dragged up by a mother who battled addiction, forced to grow up before my time, and pushed from pillar to post in foster families who I’d cling on to in desperation for the unconditional love that I so badly needed.
‘I’m so sorry it didn’t work out that way for you, Aidan,’ I tell him, and I really mean it. ‘But why didn’t you just come clean and own up about how bad things are acrossthe water instead of trying to pretend? Mabel would have understood. Mabel would have backed you through anything, Aidan, and you know that. You didn’t have to go through it all alone.’
He shrugs, knowing what I say is true.
‘She would have, I guess,’ he agrees, ‘but she and Peter had built me up so high, they’d made me believe I was the golden child they never had, and when I thought of how Mabel spoke to me and about me with such pride to everyone and anyone who would listen, I just kept putting it off until it became a lie that I was OK to live with from afar. And when she got sick, I couldn’t land it all on her in case the worry made her worse, then I realized I’d probably never see her again. I told her a lie that things were so good and, just like my dad, she died not knowing the truth. She died not knowing I loved her.’
I go to speak, but he isn’t finished yet. I twiddle my hair. I look across at the happy family to see the mother attempting to salvage a sandwich that has fallen on the ground, then giving up and throwing it in the bin, her face puce with temper.
