I wipe my eyes, feeling useless as I cry almost as much as Ben does, but I know my anguish is coming from the past as well as what is happening now. An unwelcomeflashback to my time with Jude floods my mind. He couldn’t cope when Ben showed emotion through tears or tantrums, and he’d end up having his own tantrum in turn, shouting sometimes over our child’s tears. He’d tell me afterwards that it was my fault. I was raising a ‘sissy’, and he’d tell Ben that ‘big boys don’t cry’, then we’d argue over which of us was right and which of us was wrong and Jude would insist it was my fault because all I ever did was cry and cry.
‘No wonder your mother abandoned you,’ he said to me once as I cried into my pillow one night after a particularly tough evening of name calling and abuse, all because he’d had a bad day at work and needed a punchbag to make him feel better. His words cut me right to the bone and I vowed it was the final straw, but the next morning there was an apology, a cooked breakfast in bed, and a trip to the swimming pool planned for our very excited son. And so I stayed. And so it continued …
I feel a lump wedge in my throat now, a huge boulder of anxiety at the memory of how his words used to hurt me so deeply. He’d tangle me up in an argument I could never win, and if someone had asked me about it afterwards, I’d never be able to convey how he played me like a fiddle, making me dizzy with my own words and tangled up in his.
And now, here I am watching on as this gentle stranger who only came into our lives a few days ago, has already taught my son the complete opposite. Ben leans into Aidan and does what he was so frightened to do for so long now.He cries for Mabel and in turn I cry for him, and soon Aidan is filling up too. He grips my hand a little tighter and I close my eyes, wishing I could lean on him for just a bit longer.
Here we are, just the three of us, Mabel’s family as she called us, crying floods of tears in her little sitting room, each of us so distraught at her loss but each of us also knowing that she has brought us all together with a bond that is so strong, no one will ever be able to break it. Not even a mysterious wife in America who never had the joy of knowing Aidan’s wonderful aunt or his family home the way I did. She will never know the fun and laughter that knowing Mabel was, or the way she could light up a room without saying a word, or how she could sort out a problem just by standing beside you. This is a part of Aidan’s life that only Ben and I will ever understand here in Ballybray, and knowing that makes it just a little bit easier to let Aidan go back to his other life where he belongs.
He will never beours, but this moment will always be ours together and for that I’m very, very thankful.
‘Roisin,’ he calls, just as Ben and I have said our goodbyes and wished him well for his return to the States a little while later.
‘Yes?’ I say, turning towards where he stands in Mabel’s doorway, rubbing his forehead with one hand as if he is squeezing back a mound of tension.
‘Look … this might sound a bit crazy and maybe it is.Maybe I’m not thinking straight at all, but my head is a bit mangled and I suppose it’s a mix of emotions and—’
‘What is it, Aidan?’ I ask him, worried now. I totally understand what he’s saying, but not sure what he wants from me.
‘I’ve been thinking about Mabel’s messages to us and – well, everything so far has made me feel better, so I’ve decided … I’ve decided to stay here for a while and try to get my head around some of the bigger things going on in my life,’ he tells me, and I can almost see the tension on his face fade away as his words spill out.
‘OK,’ I nod, a bit shocked at this last-minute U-turn.
‘So, I’m not going to sell the house so hastily,’ he continues, ‘and I’m not going back to America tomorrow. I’m going to stay in Ballybray, away from all the madness over there, and try to figure things out from here.’
‘Oh,’ is about all I can find to say at first, and I’m unable to disguise my surprise at his decision. I can’t deny it, I do like the idea of him being here rather than Mabel’s house lying empty, plus we’ve had some nice times together so far, but I’m also, for the first time, quickly trying to digest just how bad things have been in America for him. ‘Well … well, you take your time and do what’s best for yourself, Aidan, and you know Ben and I are right next door if you need us.’
His face breaks into a wide smile of relief, I assume at getting some sort of reassurance that he’s doing the right thing.
‘Thank you, Roisin, that means a lot,’ he says, his frown disintegrating and his voice a lot softer than the gruff arrogance I was first met with only days ago.
I walk away, trying to answer Ben’s flurry of questions at Aidan’s announcement as we slip and slide in the snow back home.
‘Is Aidan our new neighbour? That’s so cool! Does he love it here like we do? I wonder could we go sledging again. What do you think, Mum?’
I have so many thoughts running through my head, mostly of how Mabel has guided us all lately, and so I secretly acknowledge thanks on what has been a surprisingly pleasant Thanksgiving Day to her for watching out for the three of us in more ways than she will ever know.
‘Just for a little while,’ I tell my son who is wide-eyed and eager at the thought. ‘He will have to go back to America one day, but not just quite yet.’
SPRING
17.
‘Would Aidan like to come to the beach with us, Mum?’ Ben asks me on a bright, sunny Sunday in March.
With the weather picking up, Ben and I make an effort every Sunday morning to continue a tradition we had with Mabel where we walk on the beach in Dunfanaghy at the beautiful Killahoey Strand after breakfast, putting the world to rights, or at least our own little world to rights, as much as we can.
Aidan has been settling in well next door, keeping to himself when he wants to sometimes for days at a time, but popping by for the odd coffee or a chat over the fence.
‘I suppose it might be nice to ask him,’ I reply, touched at Ben’s kindness. I’m not sure how Aidan spends his Sundays, but I do know that it can be a very long and lonely day for many, so I take the bull by the horns and go across to Mabel’s house to ask him.
He opens the door, a bit more taken aback than I expected, and I get the impression I’ve landed at exactly the wrong time as he has his phone in his hand and looks as if he was in the midst of quite a heated discussion.
‘Thanks all the same,’ he says in response to my invitation, with just enough edge to make my face flush. ‘I’m in the middle of something really important, Roisin, so not today, sorry.’
I leave, feeling rejected and a bit embarrassed, and vow I’ll never ask him again, telling myself that Aidan Murphy’s purpose for being here is not to fill the gap that Mabel has left behind in our lives and never will be.
Some days I find myself wondering what on earth he gets up to next door, but then I remember how small the world is now, especially in his line of business where everything can be coordinated and managed online or by telephone. Some days I forget he is even there at all, but as the new season settles in, so does Aidan, and eventually he does take up the offer for a Sunday walk on the beach when Ben puts him on the spot as I am fetching my coat.
