She continues.
‘I know I’ll never roll a snowball again with Ben or argue with him over trivia at Christmas dinner, but he has so many more Christmas memories to make, haven’t you my little monster!’
She stops, purses her lips together and closes her eyes at the mention of Ben and I wish now that I’d pushed him a little more to watch this. Maybe he will when he is ready.
‘And I know that he too will be very, very brave,’ she says. She pauses and manages a smile as her eyes sparkle with tears. ‘Oh, how I love him so!’
She sheds a tear now and looks away as drips of emotion roll down her face, then she dabs her cheeks gently, purses her lips again, and breathes in and out slowly to regain composure.
‘Oh, it’s absolute balls, really, isn’t it!’ she says louder now, trying her best to force a smile through her tears. ‘It’s absolutely horrible knowing you’re going to die. It’s a load of … it’s …’
She pauses and composes herself once again. She looks exhausted, and a whirlwind of questions are going through my head, but her next words stop me in my tracks.
‘I’ve organized some of my better quality clothes that might suit your shop, Roisin. Maybe the two of you could go through them together when you feel the time is right?’she says, quite matter-of-factly, as if she is racing towards the end of her message now. ‘And among the clothes I’ve left you both a secret gift to discover together. You can chuck the rest, or recycle them or whatever, but I hope you like the little keepsake I’ve left for you to find.’
I gasp in wonder and anticipation at what the keepsake might be, already feeling a cloak of comfort wrap around me knowing I’ve something that once belonged to Mabel to look forward to.
‘Yes, winter can be bleak and dark, but we can always find colour in our imagination,’ she says as she finishes off for now. ‘So until next season, keep safe and warm, my beautiful family. Please know you are never alone and look after each other, knowing that by doing so, I’ll never be too far away, guiding you along the way, I hope, in the right direction.’
7.
Aidan and I sit in silence for what feels like ages, taking in what we can from what Mabel had to say.
‘Are you OK?’ I ask him, trying to break the ice between us, but he doesn’t answer at first, his face changing expression rapidly as a train of thought no doubt charges through his mind.
I feel like reaching out to him with a squeeze of a hand or a tight hug just like Mabel would have done, or would have perhaps wanted me to do on her behalf, but he looks like he is in a different world and I certainly don’t think he’s the hugging or touching kind.
‘Yes, I’m fine,’ he says rubbing his forehead. ‘I’m absolutely fine.’
‘That’s good,’ I say as he stands up and stares up at the ceiling. I wait for him to ask me the same question in return but he doesn’t. I do my best to digest what I can from Mabel’s winter message just now. The reminder to us both to have fun and do something today to make us feel alive … the passing on of a keepsake with her clothing … tellingme firmly to open up to love again, and there was a strong message for Aidan in a strict reminder to be brave, to take time out, and make changes. I know Mabel. I know she means business. She would have chosen her words deliberately and carefully with our best interests at heart.
Now, I’m wondering where we go from here.
‘I’d better be off then,’ says Aidan, standing up suddenly from the armchair.
‘You’re going already?’ I ask, trying to mask how abrupt I’m finding his actions. I thought we might talk about her a little, reminisce perhaps, or at least give her message a bit of time together.
‘Yes, yes, I am,’ he says, looking at his watch. ‘I’ve even more to think about now than I had before, and that’s saying something. Thanks for giving me a nudge to do so.’
I pull the curtains open, wishing I’d tidied the place a bit better now that the daylight is showing up how it needs dusting after days of mourning and neglect.
‘A shove, more like it?’ I suggest, feeling it a more appropriate description of my earlier approach. I was hardly subtle when I begged and pleaded with him not to make me wait.
‘OK, a shove then,’ he says and smiles. He holds my gaze now. ‘Clever old Mabel, reminding me how it feels to have no family to call your own.’
He swallows back emotion and presses his lips together, looks at the floor, then directly at me again.
‘You have your wife?’ I say to him, trying to remind himthat he isn’t as alone as he may feel right now. ‘You have a whole new world of family with her?’
‘Yes,’ he mumbles. ‘OK, so I’d best be on my way again. Until next season, eh?’
‘Sorry?’
He brushes past me and looks out through the window.
I glance after him following his eye-line. The snow is still thick on the ground, but otherwise it’s quite a nice day out. It’s cold, no doubt, but fresh and the type of day that would give you a rosy glow in your cheeks.
‘I’ll let you know when I get the next message from her. Oh, and I’ll dig out those clothes she was talking about too so you can find your keepsake, whatever that might be.’
