‘Just water is fine.’
I show him into the living room and invite him to havea seat while I go to the kitchen and fetch two glasses, unable to stop my hand from shaking as I fill them with water from a jug. When I come back face to face with Aidan, I see his eyes full of pain and lost in memory as he waits for what might lie ahead. He may have found the last few days just as tough as Ben and I have, even though he chooses a very different way of showing it.
‘OK, let’s do this,’ I say, feeling the tension in the air like a thick fog, knowing he is keen to get this over and done with. He nods and bites his lip, still a tad unconvinced, and I press play, noticing how he grips the cushion beside him. I look at my own hands and realize I’m doing the same.
‘Oh God, there she is,’ I whisper.
And there sheis. Mabel’s oh so familiar face fills the TV screen and we both gasp at the same time. It’s her. It’s our Mabel, in all her glory. Our beautiful, soulful, thoughtful friend with her soft lilac silky hair, her rouged cheekbones, her cerise lipstick, and a cheeky twinkle in her turquoise eyes. I fear I might choke as a range of emotions rushes through me – sadness, happiness, relief, joy, and a heart that’s smashed into pieces at her loss.
She looks as if I could reach out and touch her. She looks like her old self. She looksalive. Oh God. She is wearing a T-shirt that says‘I’m back, bitches’, which makes Aidan and me laugh out loud.
I shake my head. This is mad. This is so Mabel.
She clears her throat dramatically, and then she speaks, which makes us both catch our breath again.
I don’t care so much for what she has to say now. I just want to hear her voice.
6.
‘Hey there!’ she begins, and then lets out a bold rip of laughter. ‘I bet you two weren’t expecting to hear from me again, were you? Oh, Aidan Murphy and Roisin O’Connor! My two favourite people who made my whole world complete!’
She blows kisses, starting off her message with a bang just as I expected, and within the first few seconds her vibrancy has me smiling through my tears.
‘You know, I do feel a bit like Queen Elizabeth on Christmas Day sitting here addressing my people!’ she tells us, giving us a royal wave. ‘Now, I hope you two are sitting comfortably – actually, I hope you two are watching this together like I asked you to or else I might come back to haunt you!’
She can’t stop laughing and I can’t stop grinning, even though my nerves are in pieces.
‘So, what’s this all about, then …?’ she says, asking the million dollar question we both want to know the answer to. ‘Well, I wish I could say that I’m leaving you both a setof keys to my Hollywood mansion from where I made my fortune in LA, or that I’d some big trust fund set aside for Ben, or that I’ve a holiday home in the Bahamas for you all to share, but you know I don’t. I wish I did, but I don’t.’
She pauses. Her mood dips and she looks a little more serious now as she rubs her chin and thinks before she continues. I shift in my chair and glance quickly at Aidan who hasn’t moved an inch, but unlike my state of awe at seeing her he instead wears a frown and is leaning forward, fidgeting as she speaks.
‘I have four little messages for you, one for each season for you both in the hope that it might keep you on track on your first journey around the sun without me, and then after that I’ll be out of your hair for ever.’
She laughs a little, and pauses for a moment. Then, she takes a long breath and smiles directly at the camera.
‘I know each of you might feel alone in the world right now, but please remember you are my family, Aidan and Roisin,’ she tells us, focusing firmly on the camera now. ‘We may not be connected through blood, but we are as deep as the ocean and as close as best friends can be. We are family.’
I momentarily lose my breath at the mention of the word ‘family’. I can’t look at Aidan as I fear he might be struggling too. Mabel has always known I have no immediate family to turn to in my life, and I’d never even thought of it, but Aidan is the same now too. Yes, he has his wife in NewYork, but Mabel was no doubt a different source of comfort to him before they lost touch in recent times.
‘I also know you are both very afraid right now,’ she says, hitting the nail on the head once more. ‘Roisin, I know you are afraid of raising Ben on your own, but you are stronger than I could ever have given you credit for. I wanted to remind you to open your heart for God’s sake and don’t be so afraid to love again, my girl! You’ve come so far and you deserve to love everything about life, I’ve always told you that and it’s not going to change now, so get those walls down and let someone love you for the wonderful person you are inside!’
I fetch a tissue from up my sleeve and lean my face into it, my heart bursting with gratitude at hearing her kind words again, even if she’s telling me off a little. And then she focuses on her nephew again.
‘And Aidan,’ she tells him softly. ‘Yes, you are raw and hurt, and maybe a little bit angry at what life has thrown at you, but you need to make changes and you need to take some time out right now! Aidan, it’s time you put your foot on the brakes and reassess where life is taking you, because I fear it’s going in the wrong direction and I believe you know that too.’
I glance across at the man beside me, constantly fearful that he mightn’t want to continue with Mabel’s message any more. He may be a lot more fragile than I originally thought and I can almost feel the stress that sits on his shoulders,weighing him down. He has a lot going on, he said. I really hope that Mabel’s words can help him as they’ve always helped me.
I lick my lips slowly, rolling my fingers on my sleeves, a habit that rears its head when I’m nervous or emotional.
‘I know that each of you didn’t like to hear what I had to say sometimes,’ she says, ‘but I’ve always had your best interests at heart. So please take some time for yourself for once, Aidan. And be brave like I know you can be.’
Her voice shakes again and her face crumbles. She takes a deep breath.
‘I know by now that I’ve already had my last winter in this lifetime and I’m lucky to have that knowledge,’ she tells us, looking a bit stronger now. ‘But some of us don’t know when we are living out our last seasons, so now that I’m gone, I’d love you to do something crazy today that makes you feel alive! Do something to awaken your senses! Do something that makes you scream with the joy of life! Go on! Do it for me! Do it together and do it for fun!’
I breathe out, imagining how I’d manage to muster up the energy to do something fun and spontaneous today when the snow is thick on the ground outside and I’ve been feeling so low that I can barely function.
The past week has been so grim, dark and quiet without Mabel living next door, and it’s pained me even to exist sometimes, but her words remind me how she always pushed me out of my comfort zone, building my confidenceto help me keep going. I close my eyes knowing she is trying to do this once more.
