‘It might help us both a little?’ I continue, not budging from the subject at hand, holding up the envelope as I speak. ‘Look, we can put it on and if it’s all too much we can press stop. It’s probably only a few minutes long. Please?’
He shakes his head.
‘I’m sorry, Roisin, I can’t right now,’ he explains to me. ‘I’ve a lot on at the minute and I’m not sure if I can take this all in right now. I’ve a lot going on in here.’
He points to his head and then to the paint on his T-shirt.
My heart sinks.
‘But – but it might be good for you, whatever you’re going through?’ I suggest. ‘This message is for you as much as it is for me.’
His hand drops from the doorframe and he folds his arms.
‘Roisin, I’m busy, I’m sorry!’ he tells me, shouting now. ‘Watch it for yourself. I’m sure if there’s anything in there that’s totally life changing you can shout across the fenceto me before I go. Now, that’s enough. Go about your own business and let me go about mine!’
I shake my head in disbelief and put the envelope under my arm. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. He really doesn’t want to hear from Mabel? He doesn’t have time to see through her very simple wish for us to watch this together? My eyes widen. My throat goes dry and I feel tears prick my eyes.
‘You … OK, you do your thing then, Aidan, whatever it is,’ I manage to mumble in his direction. ‘And then you can swan off in your fancy car back to your fancy life and sail on without giving Mabel as much as an afterthought, but for me it’s not as simple as that. Ilivehere and I loved her! I’m surrounded by her loss and I know yes, she was perhaps a batty, crazy old lady to some people around here, but to me she was so much more.Somuch more!’
I can’t stop the tears now, and once again I realize how hideous I must sound with too much to say, not to mention how I look in my denim dungarees, my hair in a messy long ponytail, and my puffy eyes that haven’t seen make-up for days.
I stomp away, deciding to do as he wishes and leave him to it, when he calls me back, his voice cracking as he does so.
‘Do you evenhavea DVD player?’ he shouts when I’m halfway down the path. ‘I mean, who has a DVD player these days? I don’t know anyone who does.’
I pause. I turn to face him again.
‘I do actually,’ I tell him, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. ‘We’re a bit behind the times here in Ballybray.’
I squint now under the sun as it breaks through a little more cloud and Aidan manages a faint smile beneath his tired eyes.
‘Why am I not surprised to hear that?’ he says, rolling his eyes in surrender. ‘OK, OK, Roisin! I’ll do it.’
‘You will?’
‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I’ll get changed and will be over as soon as I can. And that’s it, OK? After this we move on. We get practical. I’ve a lot to be getting on with and I’m sure you do too. Mabel wouldn’t want either of us moping over her.’
‘Yes!’ I reply, almost punching the air. ‘Oh, you won’t regret this, Aidan, I just know it! Thank you! I’ll go get it all set up! Yes!’
I slip and slide, feeling his eyes watch me for a few seconds before he closes the door, but I don’t care how hideous I might look right now. I just need to hear what Mabel has to say.
Half an hour later, Aidan still hasn’t arrived, and although I’m afraid he may have changed his mind, his lateness gives me time to chat to Ben about what Mabel has left behind for Aidan and me on this DVD. Despite my revelation, Ben has gone back into his reclusive state and is happy to sit it out and play on his Xbox in his bedroom rather than watch any of Mabel’s message.
‘Don’t you at least want to come and meet Aidan like you said earlier? Maybe he’d like to meet you too?’
He ignores me, his fingers focused on the controls and his eyes fixated on the graphics on the screen in front of him. It’s like someone has flicked a switch in him once more and it freaks me out as to how long this will last. I know his stand-off can’t go on for ever, but I also know that I need to allow him space to get used to how life is going to be very different from now on.
‘I’ll just be downstairs if you need me,’ I tell him, kissing his forehead before I head down to wait for Aidan.
I’ve pulled up my two armchairs close to the TV, I’ve pulled the curtains, I’ve lit the fire, and I have the envelope sitting, ready and waiting for Aidan’s arrival. This is a massive moment for me and I’ve never felt butterflies like it in my entire life.
My heart jumps when I hear a knock at my front door.
‘Sorry I’m late,’ he says to me with no further explanation. He has changed out of his working clothes and looks casual and cool in a pale blue hoodie, jeans and trainers.
‘That’s OK,’ I reply. ‘Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee?’
I try not to stare. After all I’ve heard about him from Mabel over the past few years, having him here now in the flesh is slowly sinking in that he is a real, live person and not just a figment of her imagination.
