She moved to the door, then peered back over her shoulder. “Good luck with your quest, Aofie Mor.”
She slipped out, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Instead of tiredness, a sensation of relief passed over me and I leaned back on the bed, a whirl of excitement passing through me. She was right. I knew what to do, where to go, what I wanted. I wanted to find my blood father, but I must be careful and plan, for I suspected traveling through the kingdom of men would not be without danger.
As I closed my eyes, my mind turned to Romulus, and my thoughts twisted into confusion. I didn’t know what I truly wanted. Did I want the attention of Romulus, or was it because he was the only one expressing interest?
Chapter Forty-Three
Autumn gave way to a bright,cold winter swirling with magic as my power quickened and grew within me. I’d never considered myself to be a powerful mage, but under the tutelage of Donia I began to see myself in her eyes.
On the eve of my nineteenth birthday, I went to the Meditation Meadow—now a daily routine—before meeting Donia in the Hall of Magic. Beyond the stone door, it rose like a pyramid with towers and rooms, some open to the forest, others hidden under spells. My favorite part of the hall was the Room of Words, filled with scrolls in all languages. I spent many evening studying in that room until my reading became fluid and I picked up the language of elves and of fairies.
My hair grew back, yet I kept it trimmed shorter than I had before, a reminder of the months when I simply assumed I could stride into the kingdom of men and take back a kingdom that might be lost to me forever.
Romulus and I maintained our friendship, although he came and went, and I was left with a twisted heart, wondering, wanting, and at times forcing myself to stay away. Although I was no longer the naive lost princess he’d discovered in the Vale, something held me back. After my conversation with Reish, I understood I was meant for something great and my choices would impact every action. Still, I hungered for that kiss, with the realization that I wanted what I’d never had.
Takari seemed to have disappeared those first few months and yet she returned, warm, almost happy again. We took to meeting in the bathhouse, where some privacy could be had. At last, I had friends, a home, a place to belong, all the things I’d hoped I’d gain once I found my mother. Ironic as it was, Anon Loam became what I thought of as home. The longer I stayed, the easier it became to hide my conflicted heart and let the vision of the gods fade.
Occasionally I dreamed of the red sword, a blue-skinned demon, and Jezebel, bathing in a pool of blood. When those nightmares came, as infrequent as they were, they felt as real as the blankets I slept under. I’d escape to the Meditation Meadow and let it all slip away, knowing I should figure out a way to deal with the collision of my past and future instead of repressing it.
What held me back was knowledge of Queen Iris and the power she held over the elven. The deeper I delved into my personal study of magic, the more I understood the need to fall in line, to become one of those who did not draw attention to myself. The elven were aware that I was the lost princess, yet while I looked like Ceana Mor, I looked nothing like Conan Mor, and my hair was bloodred. They studied me and looked away, failing to hide the curiosity behind their eyes. I had questions of my own that burned through me the longer they remained unanswered: What had happened to Conan Mor? Did my half-siblings survive, and if so, where were they? Why did Queen Iris remain passive when she had the power to confront the angel of death? Where was my true father, the god, Dagda, in all this, and what role did he want me to play?
Instead of asking, I meditated, studied, and read, until Donia sat me down in the Hall of Magic, the air tense with the crackle of power.
“Aofie Mor, I have taught you all I can,” she announced.
Startled, I took in her calm expression, horror dawning on me. “It’s been less than a year, surely this cannot be all!”
Donia pressed her hands together in her calm manner. “It is, and it isn’t. You have great magic, but I have taught you the extent of what you will learn here in Anon Loam. You have powers beyond me and the only way to find out how to use them is to practice, and to find the one who gave them to you.”
I closed my mouth. In these past months, I’d learned that Donia was shrewd. After reading me and my magic, she’d guessed the truth about my identity. Although I did not say it outright, we both knew. “Are you saying it is time for me to leave?”
Her gold eyes roved around the room, even though we were alone. Taking my hand in hers, she drew me down to a stone bench, sitting so close our legs touched. “Aye, it is time,” she whispered, her eyes glowing as if they were on fire. “Aofie, when you arrived, I had hope. Hope that things might change, that you might have the courage and the strength to become more than just another mage. Anon Loam is the only haven left in the kingdom of men, aside from the sacred Beluar Wood, where many are not welcome. Those who dwell here are afraid to leave. Here we are safe, we have all we need. Many come from all over the kingdom, to seek sanctuary here, because the land out there belongs to him. The angel of death. None will challenge him or his rule because he is too strong; he will crush all those who oppose him. Even our great queen dares not use her magic against him, lest this place be burned to ashes. If unprovoked, he will leave us alone, but if we strike out against him, he will strike back, fast and deadly. I say this because you have a chance to go forth and free others from his rule, that they might experience what we have here. For it is only a matter of time until he comes for us. He is slow, but he has ruled for twenty years, powerful, immortal. In the next twenty years, I expect this kingdom, too, will fall, and the entire land will belong to death and demons.”
I pressed my lips together, waiting for the old fear to surge up, but it was gone, long gone. I remembered what Jezebel had done to me, how she took my freedom and used my fear against me. Was that what was happening with others? She’d been free for almost a year and I hadn’t done anything to stop her. I scratched my arm.
“I do want to seek out my true father,” I admitted.
“Then go,” Donia encouraged. “See the kingdom of men for yourself once again and decide what you will do. We all have a chance to choose our fate, but I believe that those with great power should use it. You do a disservice to yourself to horde your power and not use it for the benefit of others.”
I hated those words, and yet she had a point. “What benefit would that be?”
“It might not be what you assume,” Donia cautioned. “Perhaps the kingdom of men should never rise again, but regardless, the angel of death should be dealt with, and as you seek your father, other opportunities will arise. First, you must see for yourself and understand what is within your power to change, to destroy evil and allow goodness and mercy and purity to rise again. I tell you this now, for when we learn something new, we do not start with what is hardest, but with what is easiest. It is not good for me to speak against a queen, but your mother was wrong in asking you, a mere youth, to go forth and destroy the angel of death. That task is meant for someone with skills and knowledge and a strategy to destroy him. You have not arrived yet at the height of your power, but in time you will.”
Tears welled in my eyes but did not fall as I took in Donia’s words. In a way she reminded me of Epona, a wise teacher, showing me the way, pointing out my misconceptions and helping me to open my eyes to the possibility of what I could become. I owed her a debt of gratitude. I squeezed her hand. “It is the turn of another season, time for me to go.” I sighed, for I’d miss the beauty and grace of Anon Loam. “I will need to prepare…”
Donia pressed my hand. “Tiwyn and I will ensure you have everything you need. Will you take anyone with you when you leave?”
Looking away, I worried my lower lip between my teeth. “It would be wise to have a scout, for I do not know the lands, and yet I would not wish to drag anyone else into danger with me.”
“But you have friends,” Donia pressed.
My thoughts went to Takari and Romulus. I would tell them, although I knew their allegiance lay with the defenders, something I wished to be no part of if I were meant to direct my own path. “I would not ask them to give up what they have here to come with me when I am unsure where my path will lead.”
“Do not be afraid to ask for help when help is needed,” Donia encouraged. “It is wise to know when to ask for help, and when to go on alone. I will mark a map for you, but it is you who must tap into your magic and use it to guide you. You have learned much here, but it is only on the road that you can put what you have learned into practice. Everything for your journey will be ready within the week.”
A week! I did not think I’d be leaving so quickly, and suddenly I wanted more time. A thread of discomfort zinged through me and I took a deep breath. “Should I tell Queen Iris I have chosen to face the Shrouded Gates?”
Donia’s eyes went dim. “Guard your heart, Aofie, as I taught you to hide your magic. There are few who come and go without the queen’s knowledge.”
