‘What’s the alternative?’ I reply. ‘That we’re both fuck-ups? That we’re both losers, with no direction in life, nothing to show for our time on earth, just making a mess everywhere we go? Because, newsflash, that’s what we are. I should never have brought you here, look what we’ve done. I think you need to go, you need to leave, before we fuck anything else up.’
‘Lana—’
‘Ethan, I’m serious, we’re nothing but trouble,’ I tell him.
‘Okay, fine, I’ll go,’ he replies. ‘But, just so you know, everything you just said about me, it’s not true.’
‘You think you’re better than me?’ I reply.
‘No, I don’t,’ he says seriously. ‘And I would never say anything like that about you, but perhaps if you did care a little more about your job you would know that I don’t work there.Redflags is my app, your company built it. They work for me. I’ve just put in an offer on a new flat – I don’t feel like I’m doing all that bad in life. I’m sad to hear you don’t feel the same.’
I know that I should apologise for what I just said but I’m not wrong about one thing: we are trouble together.
‘I’m going to bed,’ I tell him. ‘Just… balance that thing together, lock the door and put the key back where you found it.’
‘We won’t get away with that, will we?’ he says.
‘No,’ I reply. ‘They’ll realise it’s broken, and maybe I’ll come clean, or maybe I’ll be too scared and they’ll end up checking the CCTV, and they’ll see that it was us and… and I’ll deal with it alone.’
‘Lana—’
‘Just… leave it,’ I tell him. ‘We were never supposed to do this.’
I grab my bag and hurry out of the pool house, slinking back around the house to go in through the front door now that Bea isn’t lingering there any more. It seems like most people have gone to bed now, but this is definitely the best way to get in, without bumping into anyone.
Oh, I have really fucked up this time.
47
Have you ever woken up from a bad dream and felt that relief when you realised that it was actually just a dream, and everything is fine? Yeah, well, I just did that in reverse. One minute I was in bed with Ethan, cuddled up close, our hands on each other’s bodies, one thing leading to another, and then I woke up to realise that it was just a good dream, and the real nightmare is what I’ve woken up to.
I feel the other side of the bed, just to check, but I can already tell that he’s not next to me before I even open my eyes.
Eventually I do give in, to face the day, and slowly open my eyes so that they can adjust to the light. Nope, he isn’t here, and it doesn’t look like he’s been here either.
Well, I guess he listened to what I said, he went away and stayed away… of course, now that he’s done it, I’m really not sure it’s what I actually wanted at all.
I know, I should feel relieved, because the two of us really are nothing but trouble when we’re together, and today is an important day, it needs to go well. This is what I wanted, and what I told him to do – I have no right to feel regret. Not when the only thing I should be feeling is guilt about the bench.
I sit up in bed and rub my tired eyes before climbing out and stretching. How is it always the nights when you feel like you’ve had the least sleep that you have the most vivid dreams? That doesn’t seem fair. Nothing seems fair, but I need to pull myself together, put my big-girl dress on, and get on with things.
I glance at the dress Beau bought me. It really is beautiful. I wonder, if things hadn’t gone so chaotically last night, if I would be looking forward to wearing it. Right now I don’t feel like I deserve it. Everything feels like a mess and every instinct I have is telling me to make a run for it, but I know that I can’t. That would only make things worse – which is why I’m surprised that Ethan did as I asked, and bailed on me, but like I said, he did as I asked. What more did I want?
If there is one thing I don’t have time for right now it’s dwelling, obsessing, and overthinking, so I need to snap out of it and crack on. I’m supposed to be joining the girls, so we can all get ready in one room which, again, sounds like it would have been really nice if everything hadn’t gone to shit last night.
So I grab my things and I take them to Seph’s room. It’s her who greets me, when I arrive. She places a glass of champagne in my hand and a kiss on my cheek.
‘Oh, Lana, I had such a fabulous time last night, thank you,’ she tells me.
‘Ah, it was nothing,’ I say with a smile. ‘You deserved it.’
‘Did everything go okay, with you and Ethan?’ she asks me. ‘Did you tell him?’
‘I decided to wait,’ I lie. ‘Until after the big day. This day should be all about you.’
‘Okay, but you know that I don’t mind sharing elements of it with you, if it means you’ll be happy,’ she replies. ‘We are sisters, after all. It’s been so lovely, spending time with you this week. I don’t know why we don’t do things like this together more often – a belated New Year’s resolution, perhaps?’
‘That sounds good to me,’ I say with a smile.
