“Once I got back to school I decided to clean up my act,” Blake told him.“I really buckled down on improving my grades and getting into extracurriculars so that I could get into a good college.My friend Jace was in the same boat and we really managed to help each other out—he’s studying to be a dental hygienist now, of all things.
“Unfortunately, Matt was still really entrenched in the delinquent shit,” he went on.“We were still dating at the time, but I could tell he was really struggling.He was out of it.I didn’t know then but it turned out he was selling and abusing prescription drugs.
“The program I did community service through involved counseling and my therapist suggested I apply to a few scholarships for previously troubled youths.I managed to get a decent scholarship to a college with a great psychology program.”He sighed.“But it was a few hours away.Matt was furious when I told him that I intended to go.He… he was in a really bad way, back then.
“He ended up breaking up with me,” Blake explained.“I wanted to make it a long-distance thing.I told him I’d ride my bike back home at the drop of a hat whenever he needed me.But he started to lash out.Said a bunch of nasty shit and… well, I didn’t know what to do other than offer to support him and we lost touch for a few months.
“I don’t know the details of it, but he ended up in rehab—he met Noel during inpatient.I think Noel and Jace really helped convince Matt that he needed to get his shit together before he ended up in jail.By my junior year we were back on speaking terms, but he was dating other people by then.”
“Do you still love him?”Marin asked, his voice soft.There was no judgment to his words, but they were pricked with a tender nervousness.
Blake hesitated.He didn’t know when he’d gotten so off topic.He rolled the question around in his mind for a moment before answering.
“I know it’s cliche but… I think I’ll always love him, even if it’s not in a romantic way,” he answered.“He was my first love, after all—and he’s been my best friend since elementary school.”
“Have you dated anyone else since then?”
Blake shrugged.“Not really.I’ve had a few one-off dates, and—and there was this friends-with-benefits thing with Jace during college, but that ended poorly.”
“What happened?”Marin inquired.
“I ended up catching feelings for him,” Blake explained, lips bending up into a wry smile.“He didn’t feel the same way.On top of that it was… a really complicated situation because he was in an open relationship with Faren and falling for Alex all at the same time we were hooking up.I… I guess he didn’t feel the same way about me.
“But…” Blake shook his head, eager to get off of the subject.“Since then I’ve been so busy with work and classes that I never really got the chance to date seriously.It’s less that I’m unable to move on and more that I don’t have the time.”
“Do you think you’re afraid?”
Blake looked at Marin.His expression was serious, if sincere.It was… a painful question, but a pertinent one.Marin had seen right through him.
“Sureyoudon’t wanna be a therapist?”Blake smirked at him.“I… you know, I think I’ve been making a lot of excuses for myself.I’ve moved on from Matt, but what I went through with him really messed with me at the time—and getting my heart broken in the Jace situation didn’t help at all.I guess I’m scared of getting hurt again.
“If I can get painfully honest with you.”He hesitated.“I’ve always struggled with the concept that other people could find me desirable.As a friend, as a lover…” he trailed off, expression scrunching in pain.“As a son.”
You are absolutely trauma dumping on him,a voice chastised in the back of Blake’s mind.
“I.Uh.Sorry.That was—a little… much,” Blake stuttered.But Marin didn’t complain about the sudden heaviness of the conversation, and peered over at him with a patient expression.Shuffling on the bench, Blake attempted to backpedal to something a bit lighter:
“I mean, I don’t think it’s a me-thing.Even professionally, there’s been times when I wasn’t exactly welcome.Last school year I took a class that involved volunteer work at an elementary school and they had to move me up to middle school since the little kids were all so afraid of me.”
Marin blinked in shock.“Afraid?”
“Turns out when you’re six foot one with a face full of piercings, it sends third graders running, no matter how nice you try to be.”Blake laughed.
“But you’re so kind.”Marin frowned.“And… wait.You have facial piercings?”
Blake tapped the tip of his nose and the crest of his eyebrow.“Used to.I have to take them out during the summer due to the risk of them getting yanked out while lifeguarding, but I had a septum, an eyebrow piercing, and snake bites in, as well as like ten ear piercings at one point.I only kept a few piercings in the left one for now.”
“Ten.That’s incredible,” Marin marveled, expression growing curious.“Do you have a picture of when you still had them?”
“Yeah, let me find one.”Blake nodded, reaching to rummage around his jacket pocket for his cell.
He unlocked the phone, the bright square of his screen displaying his wallpaper picture: a public art installation from his college town.
There was a sudden intake of breath beside him.
He turned his head to glance at Marin, who stared down at the picture, expression blank.
“You okay?”Blake asked.
