I started with my mother last night, telling her I would be gone by morning, that I wouldn’t be returning. But as I spoke, her mind seemed to drift elsewhere, to that place where she couldn’t hold onto anything beyond a few scattered thoughts. She appeared to be present, but the glassy look in her eyes told me she wouldn’t remember by morning. Still, I stayed with her, lying beside her until her breathing steadied and she fell asleep.
I wish I could say my father offered me even a fraction of what my motherdid, but that wouldn’t be the truth. I didn’t expect much from him anyway. With an exhale, I approached my mother one last time, brushed a kiss to her temple, and whispered a few words that filled me with a new wave of guilt.
It was then I wondered when, or if, the guilt would ease. But above everything, I knew I was making this choice for myself. The thought of Caz’s smile was the only thing that pulled me away from her, guiding my steps toward the front doors.
My walk to the inn was slow, weighed down with a familiar guilt. I hadn’t figured out the right way to tell Griffin, especially since my decision to follow Caz had only come to me the day before, sparked by the thought that I might never see him again. There hadn’t been much time to prepare, but deep down, I knew that no matter how much time I had, Griffin wouldn’t take my leaving well. I imagined he thought I would be working at the Greenwood for the rest of my life, right up until his last day. Still, the guilt gnawed at me. My relationship with the innkeeper was hard to define.
It had started out bluntly, but over time, it softened.
Griffin was something of a father figure in my life, though I wasn’t sure if “father” was the right word. He drank heavily, often to the point of passing out, and spent most of his earnings from the inn at the gambling house a few chimes away. In that regard, he was much like my real father. But in other ways, he had fed me when I was hungry, kept me warm when I was cold, and never laid a hand on me in anger or neglect. He checked on me if I was late or seemed troubled. And despite all his flaws, he always paid me what I was promised.
It was these things that made the thought of telling him I was leaving so much harder.
When I finally reached the inn, I fell into my usual routine, preparing the dining room and getting breakfast ready. There was no need to tend to the stables, since Bellona was the only mare there and wewould be leaving soon. I helped a few guests settle into their rooms and brought them bowls of porridge.
Once everything was taken care of, I let out a shaky breath. I prayed that Griffin was upstairs in his room. I adjusted my apron and smoothed out the wrinkles in the fabric. Gathering what little courage I had left, I made my way up the stairs, each step creaking beneath me.
At the top, I pressed my ear to the door, hoping to hear Griff’s familiar snoring or some sign of movement, but it was silent. I knocked lightly at first, then louder the second time, but no answer came. I grabbed the latch and pushed the door open.
The room was dark, with a faint, unpleasant smell hanging in the air. I drew back the curtain, and the soft glow of the sunrise began to seep in. I glanced at the bed. The blankets were tangled and askew, but Griffin was nowhere to be seen. If I had to guess, he had passed out at the gambling house and wouldn’t be back for chimes.
I sighed, a wave of frustration washing over me. As much as I dreaded telling Griffin I was leaving, a part of me still wanted to see him one last time. To thank him for everything. But it seemed that wouldn’t be possible. Caz had insisted we leave no later than a chime after sunrise to begin the long journey to the Academy. The city, whose name I couldn’t recall, was days away, even by horsefoot.
I pushed aside thoughts of how Griffin might feel, knowing the last time he would see me had already passed. Instead, I focused on the fluttering in my chest, the same feeling that always came when I thought of Caz.
A soft smile tugged at my lips as a blush crept across my cheeks. In that moment, I knew what I had told Caz yesterday was true: I would follow him anywhere.
I looked around Griffin’s room once more, feeling as though there was one last thing I could do to show him I had tried to say goodbye. I cracked the window open just enough to let in the gentle morning breeze, clearing the heavy air. Then I smoothed out his bedsheets andarranged his pillows neatly. The empty bottles scattered across the floor were gathered and placed by the door to be discarded.
By the time I was done, the room felt warm. Almost inviting. So different from how it had been before. I hoped that, once the initial anger of my leaving passed, Griffin would understand that I truly cared for him.
Once back in the kitchen, I removed my apron and folded it neatly, setting it on the counter. I gathered my rucksack and the two bundles of food I had packed after preparing breakfast. I knew Caz would be waiting for me. Knowing him, he had probably been up for a chime or more, making sure everything was set for our long journey. That was just how he was. Always meticulous, never leaving anything to chance. It was the scholar in him, that drive to perfect every detail, no matter how small or insignificant.
I made my way down the hallway and quickly reached the door to Caz’s room. I swung it open with a smile, eager to jump into his arms and shower him with kisses.
But when I entered, the room was empty. Everything was neatly arranged and free of any of his belongings, except for a pouch of coppers resting on the nightstand. He must have forgotten it. The emptiness didn’t surprise me. Caz never carried much, always traveling light with just a few cloaks and sets of clothes. The only other things he kept with him were his equipment and books, so it seemed he had already taken them to Bellona to pack up.
I grabbed the coin pouch and hurried to the stables, hoping Caz would only scold me lightly for being so late after sunrise. As soon as I stepped inside, I frowned. I expected to find Bellona by the watering trough, but she wasn’t there. I quickly checked the back, where she sometimes wandered off to graze in the field that led into the woods. My eyes landed on the empty field, and a sudden weight pressed down on my chest. I took a deep breath, refusing to let the feeling grow into something worse.
“Caz?” I called as I made my way back to the stables.
They stood just as empty as before, and my breathing grew quicker, more shallow. I retraced my steps to the inn, walking down the hallway again, calling his name as I checked his room. I even looked in the other private room, though I knew it would be empty. With every step, my breathing became more uneven. I shook my head and forced myself to focus.
I bolted down the hallway, the coin pouch slipping from my hands as I spotted the first guest I could find. Almost frantic, I asked, “Sir, have you seen a young man with brown hair and green eyes, wearing a blue cloak?”
The man shook his head, looking at me with confusion, but I ignored it and ran straight to the stables, calling for Bellona again. Outside, as I rounded the corner of the inn, I spotted another patron puffing on his pipe, leaning casually against the wall. I hurried to him, making him jump as I nearly yelled, asking if he had seen a young man in a blue cloak leave with a horse that morning. He scowled at me, much like the first man, and said he hadn’t seen anyone matching Caz’s description.
This time, I shook my head and whispered, “No,” as I stepped away from him. My cheeks were damp with tears as I rushed back into the inn, the denial pushing me toward Caz’s room.
“Caz!” I called again, my voice strained and thin. “Where are you?”
I rushed past another patron, barely noticing the glare I received as I passed in a blur. I burst into Caz’s room once more, calling his name with desperation. The sinking feeling in my chest had grown heavier, dragging me deeper with every breath.
It was as though the air itself had turned to lead.
I rushed toward the bed, lifting the blankets and shaking them out as if Caz might suddenly appear from beneath them. A small whimper escaped my lips, a sound I hadn’t known I could make, and I slowlybacked away. My arms wrapped around my body as I shook my head in disbelief.
Deep down, I had known Caz had left without me the moment I saw the empty stables and Bellona was gone. But my heart hadn’t wanted to accept it. Not until I had searched again and again, looking for him in every shadow, could I no longer deny it.
