He wanted to see it again and again, forever.
Her cheeks flushed with color, and he knew that she too was thinking of their night in the library. “I want to be with you, Julia.” He gazed at her lips. They were pink and lush, begging to be kissed by him, only him.
“I-I can’t be with you again, no matter…” Her words trailed off and he wanted to know desperately what she was going to say. Henry studied her, seeing the battle she was having within herself. He wished she would let him in.
“I don’t just want you physically, Julia.” He tightened his hold around her waist. His heart pounded, feeling as if it would somehow escape the confines of his chest. “I want us.”
His admission was met with silence. Henry searched her face for any sign of happiness at hearing him pouring out his deepest desire, but there was none.
Julia sat rigid in his arms, not meeting his gaze. “Thank you, Henry, but I can’t be with you.” She swallowed before lifting her head. Hard blue eyes met his, and he felt as if he would be sick from the lack of emotion emanating from them. “I’m marrying St. Clara—”
“You don’t love St. Clara!” he shouted, his anger bubbling over. She was so damned stubborn.
He admitted his deepest desire and she did not bat an eye. The revelation that perhaps he had lost her forever when he ran from London three years ago stole his breath.
She pressed her hand against his chest and pushed him away, effectively freeing herself from his hold. “And you don’t love me, so do not pretend as if you do.” The words felt like a palm slapping him across the face.
The night in the library had filled him with hope. Yet her words began to shatter the world around him, but he would not allow it. The library had cemented their fate.
“Did what happened in the library mean nothing to you?” He could sense his anger rising and he tried desperately to control himself.
Patience, he needed more than anything.
“The library was a mistake—”
“Bollocks! Why don’t you admit what it really was?” He ran his hand through his hair.
“Excuse me? I don’t know what you mean.” She crossed her arms, causing her shawl to fall on the seat of the carriage, revealing her creamy shoulders.
“Don’t you?” he growled out, his barely controlled anger erupting like a volcano. “I think you knew exactly what you were doing in the library. Was it a revenge fuck or did you just want a tussle before you married St. Clara?”
Her hand connected with his jaw. His head whipped to the side and his teeth rattled with the force of the blow. “How dare you!” Her eyes were like pools of fire as she glared at him. “You sit there accusing me of trifling with your emotions when you left me right before our wedding!”
He leaned forward, and she sat rigid not retreating from him. “How long must I pay for leaving you? Will you never forgive me?”
“I-I don’t know if I can.” Her words slashed through the air like a sharp weapon, rendering them both speechless.
Henry noticed that the carriage had come to a stop. He cursed the damn driver for moving so fast. He needed more time with her, time to prove that he was worthy of her trust.
Before he could say anything, the door opened and Julia bolted past him, rushing out of the carriage. He followed, pursuing her, wanting to know once and for all if there was any hope for them.
The night had grown cooler, somehow reflecting the mood they both were in. Catching up to her, he grabbed her gloved hand and turned her toward him. “Wait!”
“There is nothing more for us to discuss.” She wrenched her hand away from his. Her eyes were blue fire in the moonlight. “You should forget about me as I have forgotten about you.”
He recoiled from the harsh words wanting to grant her wish, but as he looked at her, truly looked at her, he saw how much pain she was in. He knew that he could not be the one to give up on them.
“Never.” He stepped closer and gazed down at her. “I will be here as long as it takes for you to trust me again.”
The following day, Julia sat in the nursery watching Livie nurse Frederick. Her cousin stared down at her son, running a finger down his cherubic cheek as he suckled her breast. Julia’s fingers twitched with need for her sketchpad and oils. She wanted to capture the perfect moment in time, as mother and son stared at each. Though she had seen the intimate scene countless times, it reminded her of how close she was to her cousin.
A dull ache filled Julia when she thought of the mammoth secret she was keeping from Livie. It was something they could bond over. She could offer advice on the aches and pains following intimacy and why Julia’s body still felt sensitive to the touch. But she was afraid.
Julia furrowed her brow as she watched the scene. Something nagged at her, right on the periphery of her mind, but she didn’t know quite what it was.
“What is wrong, dearest? You look positively disturbed.” Livie’s concerned voice caused Julia to look up.
“No, I’m quite well. Just tired from the late night.” She forced her lips into a smile, as she tried not to think about the prior night. Her eyes stayed on mother and child, and suddenly panic rushed through her.
