It had nothing to do with how long I’d known her, and everything to do with the way she looked at me, not through me.The way she listened and actuallyheardwhat I had to say. I didn’t have to beg for her attention; she just gave it to me.
I squashed the warm feeling blooming in my chest, shoving the thoughts from my head.
Now was also not the time or place to catch feelings for anyone, especially when my personal life was a train wreck.
“You saw our performance tonight. Hallow has impossible standards,” I went on, trying to keep my wandering thoughts at bay. “They expect perfection. If they thought you’d mess things up, you wouldn’t perform this weekend.”
Something flickered behind her eyes, a flash of the fire I’d seen before. She might be worried and timid, but I’d already glimpsed her strength and determination. She could have given up a hundred times, but she hadn’t. She could have buckled when Revel and Zero tried to scare her away from the sideshow, but she’d stood firm.
She could do this; she just needed to believe in herself.
“Thank you.” She smiled softly.
I turned to walk again, my eyes set on Night’s trailer. The lights inside were off, meaning he probably wasn’t there, which was good. I could be in and out in a couple of minutes, then we’d be on our way.
“You know, you’re actually pretty lucky,” I said, unable to stop myself. “You’re only performing with Zero this weekend.”
“Lucky?” Arina laughed in earnest. “If you say so.”
“It could be worse.” I shrugged. “Hallow might have thrown you into all the headlining acts at once. Zero might be fucking unhinged, but at least you’re only dealing with him.”
“I guess that’s true,” she said, her voice dropping to a mumble. “I really don’t want to work with Revel in any capacity.”
I didn’t blame her, especially after the way he’d acted. He clearly didn’t want her anywhere near the circus. I found it strange that both he and Zero were so adamant about herstaying away, but from what I’d pieced together, Night wasn’t a fan of her either.
How could all three alphas barely know her—or not know her at all—and be collectively opposed to her presence in the show?
I shook my head. That was enough pressure on its own, but add in that she would be performing for thousands of people tomorrow...
Arina was handling it a lot better than I would be.
“Why does no one stay in hotels?” she asked when we were almost to the trailer. It was a valid question, because I’d asked the same thing after I joined.
“Some do, but because we travel so much, it’s easier to all stay in one place. Less packing and unpacking. Less hassle.” I cocked a curious brow in her direction. “Not a fan of the clown bus?”
“It’s… fine. Not sure how I feel about traveling with a bunch of strangers, but I’ll get over it.” She shot me a look when we stopped at the trailer door. “How do you have your own?”
I knocked out of respect, not wanting to barge in with Arina if Night was sleeping butt-ass naked. Luckily, the trailer was empty like I’d suspected, and I invited her in after me.
“It’s not mine,” I admitted. “It’s Night’s.”
Her eyes wandered through the cluttered trailer, taking it all in the same way she had when I’d saved her from Revel. Intrigue was banked in her gaze when she looked at me. “So… you and Night, huh?”
I sighed, once again not wanting to get into it.
It wasn’t that I was ashamed or embarrassed about my situationship with the magician. On the contrary, I would proudly tell anyone that I was banging one of the show’s headliners. But it wasn’t like we were dating or even just hooking up. What we had was messy and confusing and mainly one-sided. Explaining that to anyone, especially the way I wantedto explain it to Arina, would take a lot more than a casual conversation.
However, even if I took hours to deep dive into the nuances of mine and Night’s relationship, I still didn’t think I could explain it right. How could I tell someone what was going on between us, when I wasn’t sure myself?
“It’s complicated,” I offered, running a hand through my hair. “And, honestly, I don’t even know where to start. We’re not together, if that’s what you’re asking.”
I could have sworn her cheeks turned pink before she moved and pretended to be interested in a book on the table. She set her balloon dog down next to it.
“I was just wondering,” she said quickly. “I know you didn’t want to talk about it before. You still don’t have to.”
“We don’t even know what’s going on between us.” I sighed. “At least, I don’t, so it’s impossible to explain it to someone else.” I unclipped my suspenders and tossed them up onto the top bunk before rummaging in my tiny closet. To make her less self-conscious about her circus-inspired outfit, I tugged on a flowy black shirt with a low collar and bell sleeves. With the glitter pants, it was giving gay pirate vibes, but I didn’t care. “I hope you don’t mind if I skip a shower. I’d rather not be here when he gets back.”
“Not at all.” She shook her head. “Besides, you don’t smell too bad.”
