If I got off this couch and opened that door, I was going to let her inside. So despite her shouting from the hallway, I walked into my home office and ignored her altogether.
It was easy to ignore her too because I could hardly hear. That was another thing they’d taken from me. My hearing. I was fucking deaf in my left ear. Permanent.
I stewed on that fact and quirked my head, wondering why itsounded like Sara’s shouting was coming from inside. “Don’t you dare ignore me.”
My stomach dropped when she waltzed into the room looking like a bright star, a smile painted across her face, eyes alive. For me. Even while she was yelling at me. “How did you even get in here?” I rocked back in my office chair, feeling simultaneously devastated and relieved to see her.
Her eyes flicked over my bare chest, the dirty sweats I’d been in for days. “I thought you’d try to ignore me again today.” She announced, “So I took the liberty of making friends with the front desk. But you apparently don’t lock your door, so I guess that was unnecessary on my part.”
I groaned and dragged a hand over my stubbled face. “Why are you here?”
“In case you forgot, we love each other.” She bristled. “And whatever brain damage you’ve sustained is not going to change that.” She waved around me irreverently.
“I don’t have brain damage.” I sighed. “I just?—”
“I know, I know. You can’t hear.” She cut me off. “But guess what? You actuallycanhear, because you just heard what I said. Good thing you have two of those things on your head, isn’t it?” She looked at me for a moment, taking in my disheveled state. “I’m not going to lie, I don’t mind the scruff.” She scrunched her nose. “But when was the last time you showered?” I could only groan.
She turned and hauled the heavy grocery bags in her hands into the kitchen, and I followed her, hating how good she looked from behind. Hating how good her skin felt when I brushed my hand against hers, reaching for the grocery bags.
“Don’t.” She snapped, yanking back sharply. “You shouldn’t be lifting heavy things.” I reluctantly let go as she went right back to her cheery tone. “I’m not saying it doesn’t suck, but I am saying you’re alive and you still have one good ear. So we should try to be grateful for that.”
I really didn’t deserve her. Even after what I’d said… she was still here, still showing up for me. Why was this so fucking difficult? For both of us.
“Sara—you really shouldn’t be here.” I rubbed my thumb against my palm. I didn’t doubttheywere watching the building, tracking who came and went. If I was going to keep her safe, I needed to keep herfar awayfrom me; otherwise, this whole charade was pointless. “It’s—it’s over between us.” The words felt like ash in my mouth.
She crossed her arms and glared at me. “You said you wouldn’t let anybody hurt me ever again.” She quoted me, and I grimaced. “Not even yourself.”
“That’s what I’m doing.”
“Is it? Or are you pushing me away because you’re scared?” She raised a brow. “I know that I can’t understand what you’ve been through.” She started slowly. “And I know you’re upset about your hearing and your career, but I love you, Carter, and you love me.” Her eyes softened. “You were there for me when I couldn’t reach back out and take the hand you were giving me, and now, that’s exactly what I’m doing for you. Whatever you need, I’m here for you. We’ll get through this.” Her mouth pulled into a sad smile. “Together.”
My heart sank—I was going to have to hurt her to make her leave. Fuck! Why couldn’t she just listen to me and walk away. Why couldn’t she just do what was best for her. Why’d she have to be such a goddamn angel. And why, for fuck’s sake why, couldn’t I just let her go.
I had to. For her safety. I had to. I’dneverforgive myself if something happened to her because of me. I’d never been good enough for her, anyway. She deserved someone good and now I was all fucked up inside. Broken.
“What I need is for you to leave.” I steadied myself, reminding myself that she had to believe what I was saying, otherwise, this was pointless. “Thing is, Sara, I don’t want this anymore. Us.” I practically choked on the words as I watched them chip away at her resolve. Just barely.
I forced myself to keep going. “Every thing was different when this was long distance. It was just a nice idea.” I fucking deserved to go to hell. “Now—you just don’t fit into my life anymore.” I said cooly. There went another chip of her confidence and another shard of my heart. “My career is over, and the only thing left for me to do is to pick up where my father left off, and that requires a certain lifestyle.”
She scoffed. “A certain lifestyle? What the hell is that even supposed to mean?”
“I can’t be tied down.” I hardened my face while I watched myself break her heart. “I need to keep my options open.” I didn’t even know what the hell kind of excuse that was.
“You’re trying to break up with me so you can fuck around?” She demanded. “Because what? It’s good for business?”
I was going to puke. “Yeah, I guess I am.” My head was pounding even harder, and I’d never hated myself more.
She waved down her body, and I swallowed hard. “Go ahead—fuck around.” She demanded. “You’ve beensocareful around me, wanting to take things slow.” She seethed dramatically. “So, which is it? Do you love me so much you have to stay away, or do you not care at all and you can just fuck me?” She unzipped her jacket and threw it on the ground, revealing the most innocent amount of skin, and it was still far too much. “Which is it, Carter? Hmm?”
“Stop.” I breathed, gripping the marble countertop.
“Here’s an idea for you—if you’re going to throw me away, you might as well actuallyuseme first.” She laughed humorlessly while my heart cleaved in half. “Come on,fuck-boy, let’s go!” She started to yank her hair out of her ponytail, but aggressively halted. “Oh wait, I forgot. Youlikemy hair up.” Her shirt was up over her head next, leaving her in a white, lacy, everyday bra that pushed her perfect tits up just right. “Because I know things about you, Carter. Like when you’re bullshitting me, for instance.” My heart thundered in my chest as she reached behind her back for her bra clasp.
I wasn’t strong enough for this. To deny her. Panic seized me. “Stop.” I demanded, slamming my fist down on the counter, freezing her in her tracks. “You’re not listening to me. I don’t want you here.” I bit out. “Why don’t you get that?”
She crossed the room, and my eyes shuddered as she rested her hands on my bare chest so gently and gazed up at me, pleading. “Why are you doing this, Carter?” Her voice was so small, hurt. “What changed?”
She was too damn close, smelled so sweet and soft—like home, but she was never going to be my home. That had been a pipe dream, and I was ignorant for ever pretending otherwise.
