Nightmares had plagued my sleep for weeks after I’d killed Marcus. It was always the same dream. I would wake up in that cell, irons binding my wrists, chains hauling my hands up until my weight had my shoulders throbbing.
Then he’d appear. Marcus, the same cruel expression on his face, endlessly chanting the twisted things he’d said when he held me captive, how he would break me, ruin me, leave me for the darklings. He would grab me, and the moment his fingers sank into my flesh, he would burn—burn so brightly. His voice echoed in my mind,thank you, as I screamed. And I’d burn with him… until I was a husk of what I formerly was.
He’d thanked me. No matter how many times I relived the memory, it made no sense.
Salwa lifted her feet up onto the couch, leaning onto the armrest as she jotted down her notes. She lifted her finger to push her gold, round-framed glasses farther up her nose, her silver eyes lifting to me. I didn’t think I would ever adjust to the beauty of those pale eyes against her dark brown skin.
“Still the same dream?”
I nodded.
Her eyes moved over me. “It’s good to hear you’re sleeping better. You look healthier. You were so thin when I first met you. It looks like you’re eating better.”
I’d noticed the change as well. My cheeks had filled out, my clothes fit better. I’d even needed to go up a size. The exercise I’d been getting during training had built muscle I’d never had before. Aside from my struggles with sleep and nightmares, I felt healthier than ever.
“It’s strange. Before I met Damien, I had such difficulty eating. I thought it was my medication making me nauseous.”
She rested her clipboard against her knees. “Depression will do that to you.”
Depression. I’d refused to acknowledge it for many years before I met Damien—fearful of more drugs, more tests, more doctors poking and prodding into my head, into my life. It was the last thing I needed or wanted, so I never spoke of it. If I ignored it, I thought it might give up and go away.
Damien had somehow changed everything. He’d become a light, driving out the darkness, showing me how much goodness there could be in life, which was funny given he was a Lord of Darkness.
“Have you told him?” Salwa asked.
I parted my lips, but the words clung to my tongue. I knew what she meant. “No.”
“Why don’t you tell him?”
“I’m afraid...” I struggled to find the words.
“What are you afraid of? Do you think he’ll abandon you?”
No, it wasn’t that I was afraid of him leaving me. I was afraid of hurting him when he’d already suffered so much, of him seeing me differently, treating me differently. I didn’t want to see that horrible look on his face when he learned he was going to lose me... again.
“I’m scared that...”
She waited, watching me. She’d always been so patient, so kind and understanding. When Damien had introduced us, I’d been hesitant to speak to a stranger about what I’d experienced. It had taken time for me to open up to her, but she’d allowed me that time. Salwa had a gift, though, and I couldn’t explain the ways in which she’d already begun to heal me.
“I’m scared of hurting him more than he already has been, of breaking him more when he’s already been broken enough.” I already knew what she was going to say the moment the words passed through my lips.
Her sable bangs slid free of her ear, and she tucked them back into place, away from her eyes as she looked up from her notebook. “He will hurt regardless. Even more so when he loses you unexpectedly.”
The truth of her words, the truth I already knew, hurt as fresh as if it were a new thought.
“I say this not only as your therapist, Cas, but as your advisor, as your friend. At least if he knew, he could focus on enjoying the time you have left together.”
“Thank you, Salwa. I know you’re right. I’m going to tell him, I just…” My eyes fell. “Need to find the right time.”
“There will never be a right time for bad news, but you will be there for him, and he can be there for you. He would want to share your pain, no matter how horrible that may sound.”
I smiled, nodding.
She looked back at her notepad. “I want to discuss what happened today during your training with Barrett.”
I swallowed.
“Was it like last time?”
