Everett
Another day in O’Leary,another moment of utter lunacy on mypart.
I'd never been endowed with much common sense — my tendency to see deeper meaning in cloud formations, or to believe the universe communicated deep messages through the irrational yelling of a panhandler on the street were quirks that both my grandfatherandmy husband had rolled their eyes at, and I swear I’d tried to break myself of those habits since Adrian died — but I was clearly a special kind of stupid thesedays.
Stupid, confused, andweak, as evidenced by the fact that I’d somehow consented to go hiking with Si Sloane, after two fucking weeks of doing everything in my power to avoidhim.
Maybe the reason O'Leary was so isolated wasn't due to simple geography, but because it was a black hole, like the Bermuda Triangle. Good judgement went in, butnever cameout.
I kicked at the packed suitcases still sitting on my floor and threw myself on the guest room bed with a sigh. Daphne, seeing an opportunity to get affection without implying that she needed or wanted affection, jumped from her spot at the end of the bed and curled in the crook of my arm, just where a patch of fall sunlight was streaming in thewindow.
My stomach was full of pancakes, my head was full of doubt, and my heart was thrumming like a hummingbird’s wings even though I wasn’t capable of fighting or fleeing at the moment if my life depended on it. I threw my forearm over my eyes andgroaned.
Anxiety was such abitch.
Avoiding Silas this long had been no easy feat. He’d been persistent in a way that might have screamedstalker, but instead came off as really sweet. Sweet enough to nearly make me forget why I was avoiding him in the first place, especially since the reasons all tended to sound stupid when I tried to articulate them even tomyself.
Fear that I might be attracted to him? Was that really the best I could do? Because honest to God, that ship had sailed so far out of the harbor I couldn't see it from theshore.
It wasn’t just that Si was handsome, though. Simple good looks, I could have ignored. This tiny, backwoods town had a disproportionate number of hot guys, and strangely enough, I’d gotten more flirtatious looks while taking my shift in the hardware store the past few evenings than I’d ever gotten walking down the street in Boston. I had no problem tuning themout.
It wasn’t that Si was friendly, either. Si wasn’t one who carpet-bombed people with friendliness, unlike the rest of the appallingly friendly people in this town. Given that Adrian and I had referred to most of our neighbors by the cars they drove - like,Ms.Silver Mercedes and her husband better clean up after their damn dog -the culture shock of having perfect strangers who’d seen yearbook photos of me greasy-haired and pimple-faced was a very real thing, and I approved of the way Silas stayed a step removed. If I lived here, I’d shy away from town gossip too. People assumed they knew you when they really knew only one part of you… and maybe not eventhat.
No, the attraction to Silas was because being with him was the closest tohumanI’d felt in a really long time. I liked his sense of humor and the way his eyes crinkled. I liked the way my stomach got warm when I felt his gaze on me, even from across the bakery in the mornings. I liked the way his lips twitched like he was fighting a smile when he saw me, even when I wasn’t doing anything bright or funny or amusing at all; like maybe just seeing me made himhappy.
Si had spoken my name in the diner today and made my spine tingle like he’d uttered a command in a language I couldn’t fully process but instinctively understood. And Silas had defended me. That had been the real nail in the coffin of my resistance right there. I'd known him for, like,a day, before retreating into my shell like a turtle, and I was pretty sure he didn't even get why Hen's comment had been hurtful, andstillhe'd come down on my side and made Henapologize.
I didn't want to be attracted to that. I was pretty sure it ran contrary to the whole self-reliant, stand-on-my-own-two-feet thing I'd been so determined to attain after Adrian's death. But there was a difference betweenrequiringsomething and likingit.
He made me feelspecial,important, understood. And that, right there, was pretty damn impossible for me toresist.
I’d had a really shitty revelation earlier in the week, while rinsing dinner dishes after a long day of teaching, stocking shelves at the store, and preparing dinner for a man who seemed determined to hate everything I cooked: I wanted someone I could talk to who would really understand me. Just that. And if that someone came attached to a pair of strong arms that could wrap around me, and gorgeous blue eyes, and a mouth with a perfect little scar right beside it that could distract me from all the piddly shit that made me spiral? Well, that would be pretty fucking excellenttoo.
I’d spent so long just wanting Adrian back that I had no frame of reference for wanting anything else. I couldn’t decide if it was normal that I should want more out of life than memories, or if I was the shittiest lover in the history of love,because I couldn’t remember the way my name had sounded on Adrian’s lipsanymore.
How much was too much to let go? How much of myself could I give Si without forgetting Adrianentirely?
I stroked a hand over Daphne’s soft fur and focused on the rhythm of her breathing, letting my own heart ratecalm.
Last week, the insurance company had gone out to inspect my Toyota at the repair shop and declared it a total loss, which was pretty much what I’d expected. But the adjuster had sent me pictures of the damage, too, and I’d felt this rush of leftover adrenaline sing in my blood at the reminder thatI could have died.The night of the accident, I hadn’t cared very much either way, but now I was pretty damn glad to be alive, and right or wrong, wanting Si, who made me feel very much alive just by watching me from across the floor of the hardware store or texting me some lame joke I wouldn’t reply to, was all caught up inthat.
“Everett! Are you nearly ready? Silas will be heresoon.”
I rolled my eyes as Grandpa Hen’s voice bellowed down the hall. Since we’d left the diner, he’d been acting like I was a teenager and Si was my prom date. He’d suggested I pack a picnic; he’d asked mewhat shirt I was wearing. I’d sort of imagined he’d try to warn me away from Si, or any manactually, but instead he was all but pimping me out.Just be nice to the gentleman,Fancy.
“Yeah,” I yelled back, dislodging Daphne, who gave me a disgruntled look. I muttered under my breath, “Ready as I’m gonnabe.”
I had no idea how to act, what to wear, what to think. I’d been out of the game longer than I’d ever been init.
Lucky Silas had no idea what he was infor.
I rolled off the bed and appraised myself in the mirror over the wooden chest of drawers. Same jeans I’d worn at breakfast. Cotton button-down over my t-shirt because I’d read somewhere that layers were good outdoor wear. Either I’d do, or I wouldn’t. I wasnotgoing to dressup.
I pulled on my sneakers and grabbed my old backpack, which I’d filled with water bottles and protein bars in lieu of a picnic, then made my way down the hall to the living room, leaving Daphne shut in myroom.
Grandpa sat in his recliner and looked me over before nodding once. “You need a haircut,Ev.”
I snorted and patted a hand over my unruly curls. “Grandpa, I’m going hiking to find a missing camper. I don’t think anyone’s gonna be looking at myhair.”
