I let out a bitter laugh. “After everything? She’s been in and out of my life like a hurricane. One minute she’s there, the next she’s gone. I spent years trying to be the son she needed, showing up at our visits, making her cards, and calling on Mother’s Day. But it never mattered. Even now, she’s ghosting me. She just… disappeared for months. Now she wants back in?”
Alli cups my face, but I pull away, turn around, and rake my fingers through my hair.
“You know how she… would leave me in the park when I was younger to buy drugs.” My throat tightens. I’m reliving the worst parts of my life all over again. “I didn’t get it then, but later, it hit me. I’d just sit there, waiting. Hours would pass. I watched other kids with their parents getting ice cream, telling myself she’d come back with Dippin’ Dots. She did, but it felt like forever.”
Alli’s hand is still on my chest, anchoring me to the present. But it’s like a dam broke, and it’s pouring out of me.
“And the worst part? I defended her. Made excuses. I didn’t want anyone to know why I was alone. I didn’t want to believe it either.”
Her fingers dig into my skin, the grip tightening like she’s my life jacket. “Jared…”
I let out a shaky breath, the words tasting like metal on my tongue. “It messes with your head. One day, she’s your world; the next, she’s gone. I thought if I was good enough, she’d stay.”
Her gaze doesn’t leave mine, and I see the glisten in her eyes. She reaches up to brush a stray tear from my cheek. “You didn’t do anything wrong. She should’ve been there for you.”
“Yeah, well… tell that to the younger me. I thought I could fix it. I thought I was past it,” I say, shaking my head. “But now, waiting for her, it feels like I’m on that same park bench. Wondering if she’ll disappear or come back again.”
Alli wraps her arms around me, pulling me close. I let myself lean into her, the warmth of her embrace filling the cracks I didn’t realize were there. It’s a quiet strength, one that steadies me more than anything else ever could.
“It’s not on you, Jared. Nor on that kid who waited and tried his best.” She says quietly. “You don’t have to keep waiting for her. You have people who care about you now.”
I close my eyes and hold her tighter, burying my face into her neck. For the first time, the burden doesn’t feel so crushing; it’s like I’m not carrying it on my own anymore.
Alli doesn’t move, and my breaths eventually match her steadier ones.
“I don’t know what to do with all this,” I admit, the words slipping out without thinking. “I’ve spent so long trying to hold everything together, trying to figure out what I can change. But it feels like no matter what I do… it’s never enough.”
I feel her nod against me, but she doesn’t speak immediately, giving me space to process, to finally say the things I’ve kept buried. I pull back slightly, searching her eyes for something—anything—to make it better. But she doesn’t offer solutions. Instead, there’s just silent understanding.
Her hands find mine, and she guides me to the couch. We sit, and she brings my hands to her lap, gently resting them over.
“It’s not about fixing it,” her voice cuts through the uproar in my mind. “Some things just aren’t fixable. And maybe, right now… you don’t need to fix anything. You just need to be okay with where you are.”
She’s right. All the years spent trying to control everything, trying to change the outcome, have never worked. Maybe that’s not my responsibility.
“Do you ever… feel like you’re still waiting for something that won’t happen?” I ask.
Alli’s eyes meet mine, her eyes warming as she meets mine. “All the time. But waiting doesn’t mean you stop living. Sometimes, change comes in ways you don’t expect. You have to let go of the need for things to turn out a certain way.”
I nod, the words settling into my chest. “I guess I’m still figuring it out,” I say, shaking my head. “But maybe it’s time I stop trying to fix everything.”
Her smile is barely there, but still, it’s reassuring, her forehead resting against mine. “I’ll be here while you figure it out. You don’t have to do it alone.”
I cup her face and kiss her weakly. She returns a kiss on my forehead and smiles, patting on her lap. I let myself rest on her, and with a deep breath, I understand the burden isn’t on my shoulders. Not now.
Chapter 32
Alli
I stand in the middle of the grocery store, holding a jar of salsa in one hand and a bag of chips in the other, trying to decide if Jared is more of a ‘spicy salsa’ guy or ‘mild.’ Honestly, he’s probably not picky, but this picnic idea of mine feels like it needs to be perfect. After last week, with everything he told me, I just want to do something, anything, to cheer him up.
A picnic might seem cheesy, but Jared needs something light, something that’ll make him smile. Besides, it’s not like I’ve ever planned a date like this. Something this intimate. Most of the time, I offer to pay for lunch or something. I never take the time to plan this in detail, down to the charcuterie meat I’m getting.
I evenordered a matcha kitlast week. I spent an hour watching tutorials on how to make it just right, because I know it’s his favorite, and, for some reason, I want him to think I know all his little quirks. There’s something in me that just wants to prove I can be good at…this.
I toss both jars into my basket, deciding Jared can deal with whichever one he likes, and start making my way down the next aisle for some drinks. I’m mentally going through my checklist: sandwiches, charcuterie stuff, fruit, and stuff to make matcha, which, by the way, is extremely expensive. Oh, and those sugar-frosted cookies that I swear increase my blood sugar just at the sight of them.
I freeze.
