Dear Samantha,
Please consider carefully. You have lauded our “soul-purging-one-sided-relationship” many times. If I reply to your letters, that will change. Everything will change. The decision is yours.
Sincerely,
G. Knightley
JANUARY 13
Dear Mr. Knightley,
What’s wrong with me?
I paced this apartment for two hours and I have no answers. No sleep and no answers. I planned to stay downtown tonight. I did. I told Josh as soon as I met him at the restaurant. I convinced myself it was right.
“That’s perfect, sweetheart. It’s about time.” He leaned over and gently kissed me, lingering too long with all his friends watching, but they do that too—so I guess it’s not a big deal.
The evening went great. Josh spent most of the night with his arm around my chair, acting more affectionate than I’ve ever seen him. It was wonderful. I’ve worried about telling him my past, but I felt so loved all night that the worries dissolved. It couldn’t have been a better evening.
Then Josh’s friend Logan stepped in. There’s a nastiness about him that repels me. I think if Logan ever decided to go after someone, there would be no end to his depravity. He may actually be a Dorian Gray. While looking over the dessert menu, Logan made a big show of yawning and checking his watch—a slick gold and silver thing he’s inordinately obsessed with.
“How’d it get so late? Sam, you’d better head to the Metra or catch a cab. Josh, I know you get tired of always walking her, but a lady shouldn’t go alone. I’ll stretch my legs and provide a proper escort. Ready, Sam?” He stood up and leaned over the girl next to him. “Lucy, be a love and keep Josh company.”
Josh’s arm tightened around my shoulder. “Sam’s staying with me tonight.”
“Is she?” Logan sat and let the question linger until he’d gotten everyone’s attention. He draped his arm across Lucy’s shoulders, squeezing gently. “This is a big night. Perhaps we shouldn’t have dessert. Wouldn’t want to get too full.” He stared straight at me. No blinking, just a hard smile.
“Let’s order. My treat.” Josh called over the waiter.
Logan hiked one corner of his mouth and continued to stare. He was challenging me, undressing me, and dismissing me simultaneously—right across the table, while holding Lucy tight. She looked equally uncomfortable. Josh caught none of it as he continued to jostle with his other friends, talking about their ad campaigns and trashing the competition’s upcoming Super Bowl commercials.
We sat for another half hour, then as we grabbed our coats, Josh’s hand brushed under my arm. He whispered in my ear, “Are you ready?” He wasn’t talking about hailing a cab. The hair on the back of my neck stood up.
Logan followed us out the door and waited with us, even though he lives only a few blocks from Café Ba-Ba-Reeba. He waited and watched. As I climbed into the cab, Logan elbowed Josh. “Have a great night, big man. See you at the office. I’ll bring the cigarettes—I mean doughnuts.”
Josh laughed and climbed in behind me. I didn’t know if he was offended and laughed to cover his embarrassment or he thought Logan was funny. We all laugh at inappropriate things—I get that. You don’t want to feel left out. But this was too far. I felt like a piece of meat. It wasn’t Josh’s fault, but he didn’t stop it.
I told the cabdriver Josh’s address and sat silent. Josh took my hand. I didn’t pull away. I waited. When the cab pulled to a stop, Josh moved to get out.
“Josh, I’m heading back north tonight. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
He dropped back into the car. “Sam, that’s just Logan. You know him. He doesn’t mean anything.”
You knew Logan was out of line.“Yes, he does. He made me feel cheap, and you didn’t call him on it.”
“You’re overreacting, honey. Just forget about him and come inside. It’s cold.” He leaned in and kissed my neck. Then he pushed himself out of the car as if all was settled.
“Not tonight, Josh.” I reached for his door.
“You’re kidding. Right?” He was irritated now.
“No. Good night.” I tried to shut the door, but he held it open.
“You can’t keep doing this, Sam.”
“What?”
“This. Whateverthisis to you.” And he slammed the door.
