I started my story as we sat around the kitchen table eating chocolate cake. Mrs. Muir got up (still listening) to get us milk. She does that. When the professor and I start on something serious, she gets up and makes tea or cookies or putters nearby. At first, during Thanksgiving, I thought she did it to avoid our discussions, but now I think she does it to give space. It diverts attention, thereby freeing the conversation. Or maybe it’s to offset the professor. He never gives space.
At one point last night he leaned across the table—fork paused in front of his mouth—and focused his hawkish eyes on mine for about two minutes. He didn’t breathe and the fork didn’t move. I looked at my plate and pushed cake bits around while my mouth blabbed on. I was too scared to look up. Until you and Kyle, I’ve never shared my story. It’s not the world’s “normal,” and I still fear judgment. Most days I feel cast off, dirty, and not worthy. Won’t others feel the same about me?
I found that sticking to the facts was the easiest approach. I could have been reciting a grocery list for all the emotion I revealed. The professor caught that and responded in kind. He wanted to know everything and demanded new facts, new details.
“Why did they return you to your mother? Why didn’t she lose rights to you?”
“I had a social worker, Ms. Saunders, who said just that. She vehemently protested my return, but Mom passed the tests, and the state believes that the maternal bond should be upheld. And she seemed stable.”
“What did Ms. Saunders do?”
“She was removed from my case. She said they wouldn’t let her stay because her opinions were ‘counterproductive.’ That’s when Mr. Petrusky took over.”
“They stole your single advocate? What did Petrusky do?” The professor leaned so far forward that Mrs. Muir put a hand on his arm. Chagrined, he settled awkwardly back in his chair. He looked like a tiger forbidden to pounce.
The professor can be critical at times, and his wit is so sharp that it startles me, but I was wrong to believe that any of that comes from a judgmental place. He was very kind and wanted to know everything, not to dissect it, but to share it. Once I understood that, my fear vanished, and we talked long and comfortably into the night and finished off the cake, a roasted chicken, and tons of salad.
As we headed to bed, Mrs. Muir prayed for me. No one has ever done that before. Sure, the Muirs made references while saying grace during my weekly dinners, but this prayer was only for me. As we got up from the table, she came over and hugged me. She then prayed that I would feel safe and loved forever, and that God would take away my pain and leave strength and compassion. Sometime during the prayer, I felt the professor’s hand rest on my other shoulder.
Part of me wanted to back away at the end and quip, “That was nice, but He doesn’t pay attention to me.” But I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I want so badly to believe that God cares, that all this matters to Him, that all this pain has a purpose and that none of it tarnishes me forever. That longing is there, and a single word last night might have blown it away.
I barely held in my tears as I walked to the guest room. Then I bawled. It felt good somehow, almost hopeful. The tears felt like they were welcoming the new rather than clearing out the old.
We started this morning in a lighter mood—pancakes and belated Christmas gifts. A box from Alex was first. He sent Mrs. Muir beautiful linen stationery; the professor, a gorgeous edition ofThe Old Man and the Sea; and me, a beautiful deep green scarf and winter hat. I can’t believe he remembered me. Should I have sent a gift to him? Too late now. I penned him a note, and Mrs. Muir will include it with her letter.
I also exchanged some texts with him a few days after Christmas. It was right during my work with Kyle. I still have them on my phone. I couldn’t delete them.
Alex: Merry Christmas. Mom M & Pops had it right to go to FL. NY freezing. Chicago?
I replied: Brrrrr . . . Keeping warm with work.
Alex: Going well?
Me: No. Got 1 chance to make it good.
Alex: ??????
Me: Can’t. Like your p. 187. But if I get through this, I’ll be OK.
Alex: Thoughts and prayers with you. :) Keep me posted.
I was touched, Mr. Knightley. I didn’t tell him anything, yet I felt he understood. Is that possible? Maybe he doesn’t understand or even care, but I like to believe he does. The gifts suggest he might, right? Not like a boyfriend, but like a real friend.
So there is my Christmas. School resumes in three days, and I’ll go back to my apartment tomorrow. The professor sits next to me reading the book Alex sent him, and Mrs. Muir is writing letters. This feels nice.
That said, this whole experience has been too exhausting for me to want to repeat it. Kyle said he slept for three days straight, and I believe him. But I wouldn’t trade all this either. Through it, I found a new character. Me. She’s bold and fairly feisty, with serious timidity issues at times. Every step she takes forward, she glances back and even retreats. But she’s got courage. I think she’ll make it. I don’t know when she’ll be free to run—figuratively, that is. Physically she runs plenty, and that’s where she gets her courage. I hope to like this new character.
I hope Josh does too. He came by my apartment when he got back from Cincinnati and brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. He’s on a business trip now. We talk every night, and it’s going well. I feel like he is more accepting of me. Or perhaps I am simply more honest with him. Either way, it’s good. I’m going downtown Friday for dinner with him and his friends, and I think that I should stay at his place. He keeps asking, and I don’t know why I don’t.
Mrs. Muir asked me to bring him up here for dinner sometime, but Josh says it’s too far and that he’s already met the Conleys. No big deal, I guess, but I’d like him to meet the Muirs. They’re important to me. Do you think Alex would mind if I considered them surrogate parents too?
All the best,
Sam
P.S. Is it odd that I keep asking you questions? On some level, I believe you’ll write back and answer them. I know I said I rely on this one-way relationship, but should I put that away? I’m trying to stand on my own. Should this be a part of that? Would you consider writing?
JANUARY 9
