“Callum, I need to tell you something,” I start to say but his phone rings and he answers it.
“Noah. Yeah man I’m on my way. Just throwing some slacks on now. No, I don't think we need to replace the mics. If it’s not clear, that’s not on us. You know how he mumbles when he sings. Tell the man to fucking enunciate. Well, it is our place if we are the ones recording him.”
I sigh as Callum’s naked body makes its way to the closet. I’ll tell him. Eventually.
I go to the doctor alone. I thought about calling Iris, but I feel like I’ve been asking a lot lately. I’ve never been good at asking other people for support. I’m always the one giving the support. While I am there, I have them run routine checks. I mention feeling fatigued and anxious. I mention that I might possibly be pregnant.
“Well, we can always check,” the nurse says with a smile. “Unless you want to wait until the father is with you.”
My stomach lurches inside of me and I think I might be sick. “No, we can do it now,” I tell her.
“Let’s move to an ultrasound room then and we will take a peek.”
“An ultrasound? I thought you were just going to do a blood test.”
“I mean we can see whether or not you are pregnant through the lab results yes but those take a minute. But if you had a positive test at home, we should just take a look while you’re here. That way we can see how far along you are, check for a heartbeat, all the routine things.”
Her smile is bright. Meanwhile, my panic is growing.
I didn’t consider that they might do a sonogram. Knowing on paper that I am pregnant is one thing. Seeing it on a screenis another beast entirely. Part of me wants to run. Pick up some vitamins at the store and tell him it’s all an iron deficiency and everything is fine.
But I can’t do that.
So, I follow the nurse into the other room.
When the doctor comes in, she has the same smile on her face. The room is buzzing with machines and screens and gadgets.
“Alright Amanda, I’m going to have you relax. I apologize, the gel is cold.”
She pulls out a wand and narrow my eyes. “What’s that for?”
“Vaginal ultrasound. Because you aren’t very far along, it’s the easiest way to get a good peek around at what’s going on in there.”
I nod but inside, I am a mess.
“Just a little pressure. Breathe through it. Good.”
I close my eyes. The pressure is fine. But when I hear the woosh wooshing on the screen, I open my eyes.
“What’s that?” I ask.
“That…is your uterus. And that bean shaped blob right there…is your baby.”
Your baby.
Your baby.
Your baby.
Before I have time to wrap my brain around those two life changing words, she pulls the wand out and grabs another tool. Then she gels up my belly and pressed the new wand there.
“And that…” she says with a smile as a rhythmic beat pulses through the room and straight into my chest, “Is your baby’s heartbeat.”
Ba-bum. Ba-bum. Ba-bum.
“Are you sure?” I ask, realizing then that my throat is tight.
“Mm hmm. I can hear your heartbeat in there too. You have two heartbeats. Which means you are going to be a mama…”
