“Like you can talk, Mr. Tom Ford Suit.”
Jackson ran his hands down the lapels. “I worked my ass off for my success.”
“So did I!” When he realized he’d yelled, Park lowered his voice. He understood that Jackson was pointing out he’d earned his money without the help of his family. “Dad told me I shouldchange party affiliations and attend a few meetings with some of his friends, set up an exploratory committee, the whole nine yards. So I did, and I liked what they had to say.”
Jackson balked. “While we were still together?”
“Yes. I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d react like you just did. We’d have the same fight we’d been having a lot at that time. I’d tell you I favored some Republicanpolicy, and you’d get on me about how no gay man in his right mind would ever vote Republican. But my interest in politics was always more economic than social.”
“It doesn’t matter. Most of the people in your own fucking party vote on, campaign on, hell, they win elections on platforms that would strip you of your civil rights. A ballot cast for a Republican is essentially a tacit endorsementof those social policies. That doesn’t bother you?”
Park held up his hand and gestured toward Jackson, trying to convey,See what I mean?But instead, he said, “Sure, it bothers me, but if I want to effect change, I have to get in there and change things. Isn’t that what we used to talk about all the time? Be the change you want to see in the world! Well, Iamthe change. I’m running for Senatepurely on policy issues, not social issues. I’ll never beat Thompson by talking about gay rights or abortion or any of that, and I don’t want to. Our polling data indicates that, in New York State anyway, more Republicans care about kitchen table issues than social issues anyway.”
“But you are willing to closet yourself to win an election.”
“It can’t be helped. I’d lose the base if I cameout publicly.”
“I bet your father loves that.”
Park’s father was fairly convinced that Jackson had been a long phase Park had gone through, and Park wasn’t much inclined to correct that misunderstanding. Park had put too much time and energy into fitting into the mold his father had created for him. Besides, George Livingston was finally proud of his son—aside from the current situation—andPark didn’t want to do anything to undermine that. “It doesn’t matter what Dad thinks. What mattered to me at the time was that if I wanted to run for state Assembly as a Republican, I couldn’t do it with a male partner.”
“So why do it at all?”
Park grunted, feeling exasperated. “Because I wanted todosomething. I wanted my life tomeansomething. Because nothing I ever did was good enoughfor youormy father because I always hid in someone else’s shadow. I got into politics because I wanted to make changes, and I stayed because I’m really good at my job. And Ididmake some changes in Albany. Hell, I and some other young Republicans changed the way the party operated. Fewer backroom deals, no kickbacks, real work to help New Yorkers.” Park looked up at the ceiling because he couldn’tlook at Jackson anymore. “For the first time in my life, I’m good at something that no one had to hand me on a platter.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?”
Park looked down and met Jackson’s gaze. “You know why.”
“No, I don’t. We never had an honest conversation about any of this. I knew things with your dad weren’t great, but you were always cagey about it. And you had allthese plans you never told me about.” Jackson let out a breath. “I never got a say in any of this. One day we went out to lunch and you told me we were over because you were running for office and couldn’t be gay anymore. We could have worked something out, though, maybe, or... I don’t know. But you just acted. You never talked to me.”
“What was I supposed to say? That I was going to do somethingyou hated because it made me feel useful? Believe me, I hated having to choose between you and my career, and, god, I missed you so much when I first left, but I never would have had all these opportunities if I hadn’t.”
Jackson ran a hand through his hair. “But why didn’t you ever talk to me about it? Why didn’t you consult me? Why did you just decide, ‘I’m running for office, so I have todump Jack’?”
Park slapped his hand on the table. “I was protecting you! I was doing you a favor! If we’d stayed together, do you have any idea what would have happened? My advisors would have shoved you back in the closet. My opponents would be trying to hunt you down to expose you, to hurt you. I couldn’t let that happen to you.”
Jackson stared at Park for a long moment, his jaw loose.He snapped his mouth closed and pursed his lips. After a pause, he said, “You could have let me decide for myself. We could have worked something out.”
Park stood and walked away, trying to calm down. “I didn’t want to pull you into this. I still can’t. And I had to make sacrifices and difficult choices.”
When Park looked back at Jackson, Jackson looked off to the left, his eyes closed.Park had hurt him, and he hated that he had; he’d never wanted to be the one to cause Jackson pain.
“Did you? No one held a gun to your head and made you dump me and run for office. Pretty sure you did that on your own. Maybe you and I couldn’t have made things work, but you could have done something else. Start a nonprofit. Hell, run as a centrist Democrat. Run as an out gay man. But, no,you chose a different path. And now here we are.”
Park had spent hundreds of nights wondering if he’d made the right choices, and Jackson’s words brought home how little he was sure of his choices. Still, he blurted, “None of it even fucking matters because somebody killed a woman and left her in my apartment, so my political career is likely over if I’m not exonerated quickly. So, you know,maybe don’t sit there and tell me what I should have done when it’s starting to look like all of it was fornothing.”
“Park.” Jackson’s voice cracked.
“And don’t sit there and say my name like you fucking care, because I just signed a piece of paper that says you’re my lawyer, so that’s all this can be.”
Jackson’s face went blank. “Then fine. The past is the past. I’m your lawyer.That’s all this will be.”
