“Penn, I’m so sorry,” she says, her voice raw like she’s been crying.
“It’s okay.”
“You don’t hate me?”
I close my eyes as a sharp ache takes hold of my chest.I fucking love you.“Of course I don’t hate you, Olivia.” I sigh, trying to figure out the best way to approach this. My heart squeezes and thrashes angrily against my ribs, in protest of what I’m about to do.
“I know you probably have a ton of questions, but I swear, I haven’t been with Chad. I didn’t tell my parents because I just didn’t want to hear it, you know? I meant to,and I was going to. I just quit thinking about him at all once I met you.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation.”
“But—”
“I believe you.”
She lets out a breath. “Okay and?—”
“I think we should take a step back. Stop seeing each other.” I force the words out of my mouth, and they taste like shit. I instantly want to take them back. “I need to focus on the band, and you need to focus on finishing school.” She doesn’t say anything, but I swear I hear her tiny whimper, and it guts me. My lungs constrict, protesting too. “You’re about to move, and I’m leaving. I need to put all my energy into this tour. That’s going to be my priority right now.” I lie through clenched teeth. I’d make her a priority, too, if she’d let me.
“I’m not…I don’t want to go.”
She may not want the life her parents have planned for her, but in the end, she’s the only one who can make that choice. As much as I want to beg her to stay and be with me, I can’t. I can’t force her to make decisions she’s not ready to make. As much as I love her, love pushing her to voice the things she wants, I can’t force this on her. She’d only grow to resent me.
“Barbie,” I croak, my heart hammering in my chest. I think it might even be splitting in half. “I care about you so much, but I think you need to figure out what it isyoureally want.”
Because I already know I want you.
She sniffles on the other end, and I wish I could reach through the phone and hold her. Fuck, I’d love to drive over there, kiss her, tell her I don’t give a shit what her family thinks and we can figure everything out together.
“But—”
“Take me out of the equation.” I hear the sharp intake of breath, and my stomach churns. Feels like I’m going to fuckingpuke. “You need to do what’s best for you. No one else. If that means moving back, do it. If it doesn’t, then stay, but promise me whatever you decide will be what makesyouhappy.”
Her ‘okay’ is barely audible, and we end the call with goodbyes that feel heavy. I throw the phone on my bed and don’t bother moving for the rest of the night.
I slept like shit.Again.
It didn’t take me long to realize how much better I sleep when Olivia is next to me. How at peace I feel. I hate being without her. I want to sink into her until we’re one fucking person. My skin doesn’t feel the same unless it’s touching hers.
Now that she’s not here, the gaping hole in my chest throbs again. Just as she was starting to fill it.
I drag myself from bed and take a shower, then find Pacey in the kitchen starting a pot of coffee. I’m going to need it to get through this day. She’s the only other person I know who takes their coffee black like me. We got the habit from our dad and that tiny reminder is enough to make this shitty day worse. I want to turn around and go back to bed. I want to lie in the dark room and let grief drown me, but I need to be strong for Pacey.
“Good morning,” she chirps. I’m not sure how she stays in a good mood despite the shit she’s been through.
“Morning.”
“How’d your phone call go last night?”
I rub a hand across my jaw. I don’t really feel like having this conversation, but I know she won’t let it go. “Olivia and I are no longer seeing each other.” I shrug like it’s no big deal even though she knows I’m full of shit.
“What? Why?”
“Multiple reasons. She’s moving soon, and I’m leaving. It was never meant to be anything serious.” I move around her, grabbing a mug.
“You’re not leaving. You’re going on tour. You’ll be back. And where is she moving?”
“South Carolina. That’s where she’s from.”
