“A vacation won’t fix things. We’ll still have the same issues afterward when we start working again.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but his phone rang.
His family was calling.
He let out an annoyed sigh, then dug into his pocket and pulled it out. He always turned his phone back on once the mission was over, just in case he was needed somewhere, whether as a doctor or as the son of a king. There had been a few times over the last six months when he’d been called specifically to deal with royal issues or agree to a press statement about this or that. His family called often, and he answered as much as he could. He was actually missing Marcello’s wedding this weekend because they’d thought this mission would last longer than it had.
If she hadn’t gotten the key card so quickly, then it might have taken them longer. But she’d seen the chance, and she’d taken it. That’s what made her a good agent: she used every opportunity to ensure a successful outcome. He’d even be able to attend his family wedding now because of her.
Why was she essentially being punished for having goals and for trying to achieve them as quickly as possible? Each mission she completed, even each movie she acted in, brought her closer to her end goal, and she wouldn’t sacrifice her chance to take down Envision, not for Ethan, not for anyone.
Ethan frowned at the display, then answered. “Hey… When?… Shit. Are you guys okay?… No fucking kidding? Congratulations, man… What do you mean?… Fuck it all to shit! Jesus Christ… Mmmhmm… Yeah… Jesus, the stress she must be under right now… I’ll give them a call tomorrow and see how they’re doing. I’ll give you a call tomorrow, too, check on your wife… I’m sure they will… No, I still won’t make it to the wedding, but that’s probably for the best, considering… Don’t worry about me. I’m tough, I can take it. Thanks for the heads up. When’s the press announcement?… That’s a good idea. All right. Talk to you soon. Tell Charlie to give them hell for me.” He chuckled, then said good-bye and hung up.
“Is everything all right?” Their fight could wait, especially if something serious was going on with his family.
He rubbed his hand over his face, then dragged it through his hair before letting it fall into his lap. “Just…family stuff.”
She waited but he didn’t elaborate.
Family stuff. That was it. That was all she was getting from him.
She thought back through their conversations over the last twenty-one months. Whenever it came to his family, he’d always been vague. She could understand that in the beginning of their relationship, but she couldn’t understand that almost two years in.
The realization came to her in a sudden rush, as if she’d been trying to outrun a wave on a surfboard but got dragged under instead.
He didn’t trust her. That’s what this all came down to.
She might seem like she had the most trust issues, and maybe she did, but she’d worked hard to trust him in the time they’d been together. But he hadn’t done the same, had he? She’d thought his becoming an agent and wanting to work with her meant he’d accepted her and who she was and what she wanted, but he didn’t, did he?
What was she to him? Would they ever be allowed to be a ‘normal’ couple one day? Or would they always just stay a secret, hidden from everyone but one of his brothers who knew about them? Maybe he was ashamed of her, maybe he didn’t want anyone else to know about her. She didn’t doubt that he loved her, yet maybe he didn’t love therealher as she’d thought he did. Maybe he just didn’t have it in him to love her enough or love her the way she needed to be loved: completely and without judgment.
That thought was a crushing, shattering blow, and she felt another wave batter her and drag her under, leaving her drowning and gasping for air. “You don’t trust me.”
He frowned and shook his head. “What? That’s not true.”
She stood up, crossed her arms over her chest, and walked to the corner of their very small room before turning to him. “It is true. We’ve been together for nearly two years. You may not have introduced me to your family, or not all your family, but you should be able to trust me. Yet, you can’t even trust me to tell me what just happened, even when I know something in that conversation clearly upset you.”
“That’s not fair. What just happened involves other people. I can’t just tell you things.”
“You can! I mean, my God, I’ve been such an idiot. I thought I wasn’t giving you enough, so I kept trying to give you more and more and more, but it’s never gonna be enough for you because you’ll never give me the same back. Even on this mission, you didn’t trust me to know what I was doing, to know that I’m faithful to you no matter what. So what if I kissed another man on this mission or that movie set? It doesn’t mean anything. I don’t have feelings for them, it’s just my job. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I only have feelings for you. But you don’t trust me enough to do my job, either of them, and I’m not going to be a partner with anyone who doesn’t trust me.”
His mouth dropped open in horror and he stood. “Of course I trust you. But I have to keep secrets. I’m a royal.”
“If you think I don’t understand the need to keep state secrets, you’re a fucking idiot. Of all the women you’ve met, I’m probably the only one who’s ever really going to understand what that means. I literally keep secrets for a living. You think I wouldn’t understand? You think I would go and reveal it to anybody? That’s bullshit. I’m not going to stay with someone who doesn’t trust me, because they won’t be there for me when I need it.”
“You’re wrong. I will be there for you. You can depend on me.”
“Maybe I can depend on you as an agent, but I can’t depend on you as my friend, or my lover, or my boyfriend, or whatever the fuck we are. I have to hide almost every single day of my life.” Her voice broke and she took a deep breath to keep from breaking down. Not in front of him. She couldn’t break in front of him. Not anymore.
“I have to hide on stage and be someone else, I have to hide as an agent and do the same. I thought with you that I wouldn’t have to hide anymore, that you saw every single ugly thing about me, and you didn’t mind because you said you loved me, and I believed you when you said it.”
“Anda, please.”
“But who I am…That’s not who you want. I don’t think you know who you want. You say you like the fact I’m an agent and an actress, but you seem to hate when I do either. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t make me into somebody I’m not. I’m not going to give up my life’s work to take down Envision, not for you or anybody, and I shouldn’t be asked to. With you I thought I’d found a true partner to help me with that, but that’s not you.”
He let out a frustrated growl. “You’re wrong. I don’t want you to change. I just don’t want you to use other men to get what you need. Don’t you see how it will look later on?”
“Later? Later when?”
