‘Because I think the doctor is right, we’re both healthy and there shouldn’t be any reason why we can’t conceive naturally and there’s no reason why we shouldn’t try to when we both want each other.’
Lili’s mouth opened. She shut it again. Opened it. ‘How do you know I want you?’
Of course he does,jeered a voice,he’s vastly more experienced and every emotion you feel is written all over your face.She cringed. Was she that obvious?
‘I wouldn’t be so arrogant as to assume that you do, but I can feel it between us, like an electric current. And the way you look at me, as if you’re terrified I’ll eat you up but you’re equally terrified I won’t. Your pulse races if I come near you. It was racing when I put my finger on it after the wedding.’
Lili’s legs felt weak, she could remember how it had felt, his finger against her skin. A pulse throbbed between her legs and she clamped her thighs together. She did not want to think of how it might feel if he were to touch her there.
‘I’m not saying I don’t find you attractive, but—’ Lili faltered. How could she explain that they could never have normal relations?
‘But what?’
They were married now and it might not be a conventional marriage but he deserved to know some of why she couldn’t do this because the longer she prevaricated, the longer before they started the IVF and the doctor was right, it would take time and might not even work the first couple of rounds.
‘I have a problem.’
Cassian frowned. ‘What kind of problem.’
‘I don’t like to be touched.’ That sounded a bit meager. Lili clarified. ‘Well, what I mean is that I’m sort of phobic about it.’
* * *
Cassian looked at Lili, tense behind the chair. Face pale. Long hair falling around her shoulders, not as heavy as it had been. Silky. And as if things were slotting into place in his mind he recalled how she’d avoided shaking his hand that first morning. How she tensed if he came near. How she’d looked when she’d had no choice but to shake his solicitor’s hand or appear unconscionably rude. How she’d avoided kissing him on the mouth, presenting him with her cheek, in the chapel.
The shapeless clothes. Something occurred to him. ‘Did something happen to you?’
He saw her throat work. ‘Yes…you could say that.’
Cassian tensed inwardly. ‘Were you attacked?’
She went even paler. ‘I don’t really want to talk about it.’
Cassian almost couldn’t frame the question because it was so horrific but he had to know. ‘Were you…abused? Did someone—’
She shook her head, eyes huge. ‘No…that didn’t happen. But I went through something when I was sixteen and ever since then I’ve had this…fear. I’ve avoided being touched since then.’
To Cassian’s surprise, on hearing that he felt something almost protective rise up and an urge to fold her into his arms. She cut a lonely figure. As she had walking down the aisle. He pushed it down. No one got to him like that.
‘How does it manifest exactly?’
Lili took a breath. She’d never had to articulate it before, it had been her shameful secret. ‘I don’t like being crowded, or being too close to people. I don’t like shaking hands if I can help it. I don’t like the idea of anyone’s hands on me in any capacity.’
He put his glass down on the table and ran a hand through his hair. ‘Okay.’
‘Okay?’
He looked at her. ‘Do you think this is insurmountable?’
She bit her lip. He noticed she did that and it was fast becoming a little quirk that had the ability to send sizzling heat into his blood.
‘I’m not sure…it feels that way. The thought of…being intimate like that automatically makes me feel panicky. Claustrophobic.’
Cassian had never thought about it like that before but now he recognised that whenever he’d finished making love with a woman he always had the urge to get away as soon as possible for fear they’d want to cling to him. That had obviously only added to his love ’em and leave ’em playboy reputation. But he really hadn’t done it to be cruel.
Another thing was happening to him as he absorbed what Lili had just told him—the fact that knowing he couldn’t touch her was making him even hotter for her. He should be ashamed of himself. She’d shared this obviously very traumatic thing with him and all he could think about now was how much more he wanted to touch her because she’d told him he couldn’t.
He looked at his watch and said reluctantly, ‘I have a meeting at the Monza racetrack. I said I’d test drive a new car.’ An idea ocurred to him. They needed to get out of this villa. It was as if he could feel the walls and gardens encroaching on him, never mind on Lili who hadn’t strayed further than Como by all accounts.
