Lili turned to face him more. ‘Well then, how can you say what you just did?’
He looked at her and she sucked in a breath at the flat look in his eyes. ‘Because ultimately it didn’t save them and having witnessed that love only to lose it forever was the cruellest blow. I would never want to put a child through that again.’
Lili bit her lip. ‘I’m sorry.’ Maybe he was right. In some ways it had been easy to break with her family because there was no love lost. She had no memory of what that must feel like. She only knew that she’d know it when she had a child of her own.
He shrugged. ‘There’s nothing to be sorry for. What we’re doing is perfect. We will be giving our child a solid foundation of security and respect. They won’t grow up believing in a myth only to have it torn from them.’
Someone on Cassian’s right-hand side spoke to him then and she absorbed that. But what had seemed like such a brilliant idea two weeks ago suddenly felt a little…flawed. She could promise to love their child enough for two parents but how would they fare once they knew that their father intended to keep them at arm’s length?
Was she going to inevitably end up doing to her own child what had been done to her, with an indifferent parent?
Although…as she studied Cassian’s profile now—he didn’t seem like the type to be indifferent. And she could understand his reasons for wanting to be. But maybe even he was underestimating the effect of actually having a child. Lili couldn’t get an incendiary image out of her head, of Cassian with a small child with dark hair out in the gardens of the villa, running around and playing…throwing the child high in the air, making them squeal with joy…
She shook her head at herself. That was precisely the problem. He’d known that joy here already and he wasn’t prepared to risk it again for fear of losing it. It would beherin that fantasy, not her husband, and she would have to come to terms with that because it was her reality now.
* * *
The following morning Lili found Cassian already dressed and sitting at the breakfast table, reading a newspaper. He was wearing a navy polo shirt and she couldn’t see under the table but she didn’t have to to imagine he would look good in whatever he was wearing. Tall and vital. Lean.
He looked up and then down, and her cheeks got warm with self-consciousness. She had skipped over the new clothes in the dressing room this morning, weakly pulling out a familiar loose dress and cardigan. As if it was some kind of armour against the massive changesshe’dinstigated.
She couldn’t help wondering though, if theirs had been a traditional wedding and she didn’t have her issues, would they still be in bed right now?
In spite of choosing a wedding dress that would be easy to remove on her own, Lili had found herself contorting into ridiculous shapes to get out of it and all night she’d had lurid dreams of Cassian peeling it slowly from her body, uncovering her skin inch by inch and dropping his mouth to kiss her exposed flesh. She’d woken hot and sweaty and frustrated and angry, because in her dreams she wasn’t held captive by her fears.
Not helpful Lili, when her newly minted husband was now standing and pulling out a chair. ‘Come in, have breakfast.’
She walked over to the table and slid into the chair. Cassian sat back down. He asked politely, ‘Good night’s sleep?’
Her cheeks felt even hotter. Could he read her mind?
She blurted out, ‘I’m sorry I disappeared yesterday evening. I didn’t mean to, but I got to the bedroom and I felt hot and sticky so I had a shower and then I laid down and…fell asleep.’
‘It’s no big deal, the guests weren’t expecting you to throw the bouquet or anything.’
‘I know but I should have been there to say goodbye.’
‘They all know it’s a business deal.’
For some reason that stung even though it shouldn’t. Had they looked at Lili and known that there was no way he’d ever choose a woman like her if he had a choice? And why was that bothering her now?
Then he said, ‘That fertility specialist you saw last week in Milan?’
Lili nodded. He had arranged for her to visit the consultant in Milan so they could do a general examination and check her fertility. Cassian had undergone similar checks in Rome.
‘She’s going to call me in an hour to talk with us. She’s got your results and mine, from my doctor in Rome. I thought this would be the most expeditious thing to do and then we can hopefully get started on the process.’
‘Okay.’ The doctor had told Lili last week that she didn’t foresee any big issues, her menstruation cycle was regular and she’d never—thankfully—had any issues with painful periods or the like.
She’d asked Lili about sexual partners though, so she knew Lili was a virgin. Her insides twisted now, she hoped she’d be spared the humiliation of revealing that to Cassian.
Cassian took a swig of coffee and stood up. ‘I have to make a couple of calls, come to my office in an hour?’
Lili nodded and sagged back into the chair when he was gone. The man made her feel about a million and one things at once. Fear—not that he would touch her or hurt her, but fear of how he made her feel when no one had managed to crack the impenetrable wall she’d put around herself for years.
And excitement which didn’t make sense. Excitement for what? Once they’d decided how best to proceed with the IVF, he’d be gone back to his life and Lili would be left here in peace.With nothing to do. Which was exactly what she’d wanted, wasn’t it? So why was the life that she’d so audaciously asked for suddenly looking a little…empty?!
* * *
