Page 75 of Addiction

There had been a time when I’d have been able to respond to a comment like that. I’d have bluffed my way through it, telling people what they wanted to hear and knowing it meant nothing in my heart. But now I can’t. Now it feels like his statement is lodged in my throat like a thick ball of sandpaper.

“I… Erm.”

Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you don’t want to know what it’s like.

Kiss me, Asher… You know you want to.

“My two favorite people,” Mark says loudly as he enters Hot Tuna with Tia, and I sigh in relief with the distraction.

However, irritation now boils inside me and if there had ever been a time I’d loathed myself more, it was now. Is it always going to be like this? Why can’t I just be like everyone else?

Why?

Fucking why?

It’s a question I’m getting tired of asking and getting no reply.

My eyes reluctantly scan the bar, wanting to find those chocolate eyes that always seem to keep me grounded. It’s not gone unnoticed between us that I’ve treated him like shit ever since I left his place the other night, but the experience left me in such a tailspin that I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong anymore.

“Is Wade not with you two?” I ask, clearly knowing the answer.

“We left him at the other bar with Logan,” Mark says. “They seem to have a lot in common.”

Do they?

“I reckon they’ll be wed within a year,” Tia replies, laughing. Everyone else responds to her humor yet my insides grip with envy.

“What makes you think that?” I ask.

“Because of how well they are getting on. When two gay men find their spark together it’s a beautiful thing.” She sighs happily, like a cartoon character with heart eyes.

I’ve not known Tia long, only chatting to her at work, but right now her words irritate the shit out of me.

“What’s everyone wanting to drink?” Mark asks, tapping his hands on the bar and getting Ryan’s attention.

Whiskey.

I shake away the thought and ask for a Diet Coke, rubbing the back of my neck. I need to go to a meeting. I should have gone the second the devil started talking again, but I have been too caught up in work and my feelings for Wade that I’ve missed the signs. Tomorrow, I’ll make it a priority. I need to clear my head.

Or you could just have one.

“Asher? You okay? You look on edge,” Mark says, looking across the bar.

“I’m fine. Just tired,” I say. Taking a sip of my Coke that Ryan has just provided. Wishing it was something stronger, I look out across the bar, watching people laughing and joking with each other, and I’m curious to know how they make it look so damn easy. So carefree. I can’t remember a time when I’ve felt like that.

Yes, you can…

You just need one, Asher. Just one.

Everything is easier with whiskey.

My jaw clenches at the voice in my head, and I shake it away once again, loathing that it’s getting louder and louder in my head. I can’t undo all the good I have done. I can’t break all the promises I’ve made for the sake of a fucking drink, I just can’t.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Grayson says quietly in my ear.

I pull back to look at him. “Talk about what?”

“Whatever has got you so damn distracted. Tia was just talking to you then and you ignored her.”