Page 128 of Addiction

“You do make me happy.”

“But I’ve asked too much of you, and you deserve a life with someone who can give you all the things that I can’t. You deserve to be happy, Wade.”

“I’m. Happy. With. You!”

“But what if you could be happier with someone else?” he yells.

“Jesus, Christ, Asher. What is this? Where is this coming from? I thought we were fine.”

“We are. We were.”

“Then what the hell is going on? What have I said that’s made things change?”

“You haven’t said anything it’s what he…” He turns away from me as if he’s said too much and dread hits my stomach. I know my head has been all over the place, and I’ve needed some downtime, but I’m not stupid enough to think that whatever is going on between us right now has been brewing for some time. We’ve been fine until this last week. And I think I now know who might be responsible for the sudden change in dynamic between us. It doesn’t take a genius to connect the dots and find my father is in the picture. It’s him. It has to be him.

“It’s what who said?” I ask, but he doesn’t answer me. He just stands with one arm resting on the wood on the door, and the other on his hip as he hangs his head low.

I want to hear it from him. I want to know what was said. “What did Raymond say, Asher?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“The fuck? Of course, it matters. What did he say?”

He doesn’t respond which only pisses me off more.

“For Christ’s sake, Asher just tell me!”

“He said I should leave you!” he yells, turning back to face me, his face full of anger and hurt. “He said that if I cared anything for you that I should do the right thing and let you go because you can do far better than someone like me. He said I would only bring you down. He said anything and everything, Wade. Everything I didn’t want to hear he said it!”

And there it is. He couldn’t get what he wanted out of me, so he went to the next best thing and made him feel worthless just like he does me. His words are his power trip and Jesus does he know how to use them on the vulnerable. Asher is far from weak, but it also doesn’t take much to get in his head and make him feel negative about himself. And my father has well and truly done that.

I take a deep breath, needing to calm the ferocity because this is not helping either of us.

“He’s playing games with you, Asher. That’s what he does.”

“Maybe. But what if he’s not? What if he’s just said everything I’ve been trying to forget about? What if I’m not who you need?”

I shake my head, stepping toward him, making it clear in my voice that I’m not taking this. “Don’t you dare say that. You shouldn’t listen to him.”

“I’m listening to what is in here,” he yells, pointing to his heart. “I’m ashamed of myself, Wade. I'm ashamed that out of everyone, you want to be with me. I'm ashamed that a good, honest, loyal man wants to be seen out with a man like me. I've made so many mistakes. I've done unthinkable things to those I love. Why would you want to be seen with me? You deserve better than someone like me."

I will not stand for this. I will not have him put himself down any more than he already has. Why can’t he just see all that he is in my eyes? All that I want. All that I love.

Passion and fury rush through me, and I storm toward him, pushing him back against the wall, hands fisting his shirt as I growl, "Don't you dare tell me what I deserve. You don't get to make that decision. You don't get to tell me what my heart desires. What my body craves. What my soul needs. That's my choice, and if they're telling me that you are that person then I'm damn well going to follow where it's leading me. Flaws or not, Asher, I don’t just want you, I need you. I fucking need you."Tears are in my eyes as I push against him harder, spilling my heart out because he’s already torn it open. “I can still remember the first day I saw you. You made my heart race and something inside of me changed when you spoke. And I knew. I knew, there and then that I wanted you in my life, no matter how hard it would be or how long it would take. I wanted you. I want you. Because my heart has never loved anyone as much as it loves you.”

His breath halts, and silence falls between us as his eyes hold mine, steady and true. There is so much more I want to say, but I don’t. I don’t because I want him to take in my words. I want him to feel my heart that is racing so fast between us that I can barely breathe, I need him to realize what is right in front of him and that what I want, and what I believe, matters more than the vile words of the asshole who’s tried to break us. Me. He needs to hear and feel me.

“You love me?” he whispers.

“Why would I not?” Another tear falls. “I’ve never wanted anything the way I want and love you. What we have is strong, and I will not let you do this because of him. I won’t let him do this, Asher, because he’s only doing it to win. I will not have him break what we know we both want and need. Tell me he’s wrong. Tell me he won’t end us. Please.”

He takes my jaw, his emotions now getting the better of him as tears cloud his eyes.

“When I first started getting to know you, you made me feel like I was drowning, and I could barely keep my head above water. But no matter how hard I tried to push you away, you were always there, and if you weren’t I’d find myself looking for you anyway. You are everything I’ve been longing for, and everything I’ve been trying to find. But more than anything, you have become the person I think about all day every day and life without you feels too scary to live.”

“Yet you tried to push me away,” I whisper.

“Because I was scared. I am scared. For many reasons. I want you to be happy and safe and not have to worry about what tomorrow will bring because we both know this road of mine is far from easy. It will get complicated, and you deserve more than that.”