Page 127 of Addiction

“You, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t seem yourself.”

“I’m just tired.”

I nod at what is becoming his staple response, tucking into my pancakes. “Where did you go for a run last night?”

“Boardwalk.”

Jesus, this is hard.

I put down my fork and look at him. He glances in my direction, but he keeps his eyes low. He can tell I’m not happy, and truth be told I’m getting tired of trying to second-guess his behavior. It’s like he’s reverted right back to the Asher I knew all those years ago when he was hiding from himself.

“Asher, talk to me.” I reach out to him, but he pulls away as if I’m toxic and my eyes widen. My first thought is to question if he’s been drinking, but I would have smelt it on him and second, I don’t want him thinking I will always jump to that conclusion every time he’s not himself. But he’s got to help me out here because I’m lost.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

He throws down his cutlery and pushes his plate aside as if he’s been ready and waiting for this argument the whole damn time.

“Why would there be anything wrong, Wade?”

“Because you’re not acting yourself. It was the same yesterday. Is this my fault? Have I put too much on you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“With Raymond. Have I burdened you too much when you’re still working on your recovery?”

“What? No.” He shakes his head, closing his eyes. “Can I not have a bad day?”

“Of course, but at least tell me why you’re not feeling yourself. I’ve made breakfast to see if that changed your mood, but it hasn’t.”

He scrapes his chair back and leaves the table, his voice getting more frustrated and angrier. “For fucks sake. Making pancakes and coffee isn’t going to change what is going on here.”

“And what is going on here, Asher? Because yet again, I seem to be in the dark.”

He holds his hands up. “I can’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“This. Us. I can’t be with you anymore.”

I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach and shot in the heart all at once.

“What…”

“I can’t be with you, Wade. I can’t… I’ve put all my troubles on you.”

“You haven’t.” I leave my spot at the table and step toward him, but the closer I get the further he distances himself.

“My drinking. My PTSD. It’s only going to bring you down if things should get bad. Look at where we are today. It’s happening already. If anyone is a burden here, Wade, it’s me. I can’t ask that of you.”

“You haven’t asked, I offered. I want to do it. I want to be there for you because I—”

“I won’t make you happy.”

I’ve no idea what is going on, but the person standing in front of me now is not the Asher I’ve fallen in love with. It’s like an alien has taken over his body and is doing all the talking for him, yet his eyes say something very different. His eyes tell me that he’s breaking just as much as my heart is right now. His eyes, if anything, tell me that this is not what he wants.