He smiles. “Nothing. Nothing is wrong. I…” He lets out a short quick breath then pulls in his lips before gathering his gaze back toward me. He’s nervous. “I know you’re going through a lot and school and everything and maybe this will make it worse, but I’m hoping what I say might make things easier.”
Is Lucy right? Is this the part where he tells me he’s interested? Am I that blind? Have I been that caught up in my own shit that this has been sitting right in front of me?
“What is it?” I choke, air caught somewhere between my lungs and my throat.
He reaches out for my hand and his gaze softens. “I think about you all the time. All day when I’m at work, when you’re away from the house, when I wake up in the morning, and when I go to bed at night. Hell, truthfully, I wish you were there lying next to me.”
My heart thuds hard against my chest as I stare back at Ryan.
“I love you, Everleigh. You know that. We say it all the time, but I’m not sure you knowhowI mean it. I love you like a thousand armies storming home after war.” He pauses and leans in a bit. “Maybe we could… I don’t know… go on an official date and see how things work out. I’m not saying it has to, but maybe we try it… tonight?”
“Tonight?” It’s the only word I can get out of my mouth, and I’m already wishing I’d chosen another.
“Tonight,” he repeats, his tone deep.
“I love you. You know I love you. You’re handsome, you’re sweet, you’re smart, you’re accomplished, you’re attentive and loving, and did I mention you’re hot?” I laugh nervously. “You’re everything I could ever want. But Ryan, I’m the picture that sits in the dictionary next to emotional mess.”
He brushes his thumb back and forth over the top of my hand. “You’re not a mess to me. To me, you make perfect sense.”
My heart does this crushing thing. It’s like a gush and a squeezing that makes me cough and cry at once.
“You’re too good for me, Ryan. You have your shit together. You’re—”
“I’m in love with you, Everleigh.In love.Not love you like I love my sister. Not love you like I love my dog. I amin lovewith you. In love with you like I want to take you to IHOP every Sunday morning for the rest of our lives. Nothing is going to change that.”
Our gaze stays on one another so intensely that I think our breathing syncs.
“IHOP?” I hold my breath after I speak.
“IHOP,” he laughs. “It can be wherever there’s breakfast, as long as you’re there, next to me, holding my hand, drinking coffee until we’re old and grey and we can barely hear each other.”
The sentiment is so sweet that every part of me wants to grab him and hold him close, but I’ll ruin a guy like Ryan. There’s no doubt about it.
“Ryan,” I say, holding his hand in mine. “I wish I knew who I was right now. I wish I knew because I feel those things for you too. But I don’t think I ever stopped loving Max.”
“I don’t expect you to. You’ll always love Max. I don’t need to own you, Everleigh. I just want a piece of you, of your life.”
I shake my head. “I’m sorry. I’m just… I don’t know. I’m a little confused. I have this class and all the stuff that happened last night and I’m just not in that headspace right now, you know? It’s not about you. I love you. I mean, you know I love you. We’ve been friends forever and I appreciate this. I appreciate you. I’m just…” A tear trickles down my face and guilt follows. Fuck. He’s the kind of guy that’s going to feel bad about this afterward. He’s going to torture himself with the what if’s and the I should haves. I’m already fucking him up.
“You’re crying.” He wipes the tears off my face. “Don’t cry. I shouldn’t have asked. It’s terrible timing. It was this feeling that’s been bubbling up and it overflowed this morning. I’m sorry, I—”
I squeeze his hand in mine. “My emotions are all over the place right now. I have no idea who I am or what I’m doing most days and I don’t want to ruin you with that, Ryan.” I pause and look away before glancing back, the heat from his gaze so intense that it’s nearly burning. He's so handsome, and I might be the dumbest woman in the world for turning him down. “I really do love you, Ryan. You know that, right? You’re a great guy, and I’m not saying no forever, but right now… I’m just not in that headspace.”
He nods. “You better get going. You’re going to be late for class.”
Glancing at the clock, I see he’s right. I need to get moving or I’ll be late. “I feel bad. You’re—”
“Go.”
I suck in a deep breath. “What if we have a not date, date tonight? I’ll buy us dinner and we can go down to your warehouse and check out the furniture. Maybe do a little painting? I really want to see what you’re working on.”
He nods and smiles. “I can do that. Chinese or Pizza?”
“Pizza. Always.”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a mint, handing it to me with a smile. “In case you get nervous.”
I tip my head to the side. “You’re such an old man.”
